Sexy Results!

this is the way, step inside

2009-09-06T10:19:00.003-04:00

I think I've made this post every single year since Sexy Results! existed, and damn if I'm gonna let this opportunity pass me by. It's not like AOL is gonna give me that fat $8-per-post money anymore...

It's bad enough that Sexy Results! progenitors like Patton Oswalt, John Stewart and Travis Morrison went to William & Mary and that certain Sexy Results! correspondents described the W&M experience as such- "I thought their students just sit around all day depressed, studying for their pointless liberal arts exam and discussing the latest Death Cab album." For eleven years and running, I've always wondered whether I made the right choice in attending UVA over William & Mary...most of what I remember from my visit to Williamsburg was a bunch of frat boys hating the shit out of UVA, which I somehow thought really wasn't my style. I just never thought that in 2009, I'd regret not going to the school with the better football team.

y'all respect the one who got shot, i respect the shooter

2007-02-24T17:52:00.000-05:00

I'm afraid of the future

They're not gonna make it easy for any of us, will they? Such is the nature of Virginia basketball in the 21st century where you can have ten conference wins and spend all of your time waiting for the other shoe to drop. Yeah, that's a six-point win against the bubblicious Yellow Jackets, but that's also the second time they've had to pull a a ridonkulous game-ending run (13-0 today, 15-0 against Clemson) to secure something they had no business winning. Here's hoping 30's the new 20 in the RPI.

Actually, I'm comforted a bit by UVA slipping out of the 4/5/6 seed that most projections had them at before they lost to Miami. Did you see some of those matchups? We were up against Santa Clara, Xavier and Winthrop more times than I can remember. And if those scenarios actually panned out, the Hoos would be the biggest "mortal lock for every first-round upset pick" in the history of college basketball. Or at least since the last UVA team to make the tournament; thanks to those guys, the seeding committee realized they should never make Gonzaga a #12 seed ever again. Maybe as a #7, we can get one of those big-conference teams that tanked the latter portion of the year (USC, Alabama, Michigan State) and a #2 that clearly doesn't deserve it (Kansas?).

In other news, there's nothing more sobering than hearing "Sittin' Up In My Room" at the gas station and realizing that Brandy has actually killed someone in the city where you live.

Also, if you read this blog, can you please write to Electronic Arts and beg them not to put LaDainian Tomlinson on the cover of Madden '08? I know he's an obvious choice and it might momentarily cheer him up, but he's dealt with enough shit already this offseason. If he's the coverboy, he'll be framed for murder by October.

Virtua Fighter 5 on PS3, The Besnard Lakes, John Caparulo (the funniest dude I've seen live since Lewis Black blazed UVA right after the 2000 elections), Dungen's new album and Trader Joe's BBQ Chicken Salad: file under "The Realest Of All Deals."

you're not at all a baller

2007-02-22T00:34:00.000-05:00

Locks get lazy and lose to Miami

Fuck this. Not the mood I need to be in before I see Dave Attel at the Improv and then Ghostface at the Key Club. Those are pretty much the brackets of the Sexy Results! aesthetic, no? The club says Starks will be onstage at midnight, meaning I'll be lucky if he's up there before next Tuesday.

we hug the block on president's day

2007-02-19T18:27:00.000-05:00

Gettin' that money the American way

Nope. Not gonna write that "UVA is on some Jada, Styles and Sheek Louch shit" post. Just gonna let that slide until March.

Anyways, having spent seven of my last eight years in some sort of educational program, I had no idea just how many people don't have to work on Presidents Day, despite it registering somewhere on the holiday scale between Flag Day and Task Force Tuesday. I work at a talent agency. I have the day off. My gal works at a public university. She does not. Sounds about right.

So, I've honored the holiday the best way I know how, mostly by watching episode after episode of "24" (currently, I'm watching Lou Diamond Phillips at his most icy) and walking down Sunset to Ralph's because driving there wouldn't kill enough time. After doing such, I have to say: I completely underestimated the promotional muscle behind "300" (no Hardaway). My preparedness for glory is off the fucking charts right now.

It's the pot of gold right here man this is it, man this is glory

(Update: listening to "Why You Hate The Game," it's dawning on me: why does Nas sound so nice on jams that are about 8 minutes or better?)

all you jealous punks can't stop my dunks

2007-02-18T16:55:00.000-05:00

Dwight takes 'em to chuuuuch. This time, in a non-literal sense

My gal knows me pretty well. If you've been following this blog for any amount of time, you know that for the time being, we are on opposite coasts (funny, I listened to Transatlanticism far more often when I didn't have a girlfriend on the other side of the country). One of the side effects of this is that she'll know three hours beforehand how often I'll be yelling "ballin!" at the screen whenever Jack Bauer does something badass. And yes, during the intros where they show people's names, they should have the word "BALLIN'!" replace "Jack Bauer" every now and again. Anyways, another side effect is that she'll be able to tell me when I'll need to avert my eyes. In a ridiculous coincidence with all of my shows this week, it involved a drill each time. You won't see your boy up in Home Depot for a while.

The great gal that she is, she bought me the first season of "24" for Valentine's Day, since I haven't really watched the show until now. The one thing that immediately strikes me is how I don't recognize anyone other than Jack. Meaning that I can look forward to each and every one of them dying somehow. I choose to blame it all on perimeters somehow.

The thing is about "24" is that it pretty much goes against everything I usually like about TV or movies. And that parenthood can preclude bad-ass federal agenting. Oh, and also that I'm fucking ecstatic that I have a real job, because I'd be the worst henchman ever. Then again, the henchmen never seem to get paid very well, or paid at all. Anyways, my DVD collection is so female-repellant, it's virtually porn. Two SeaLab collections, nothing in AFI's Top 100 Movies of All Time. Basically, I'm not buying it unless it's funny, and that definition stretches to include "Falling Down," plus "American Psycho" and "Boogie Nights," two movies which have first halves that can fuck with any comedy ever made before getting all depressing and shit in Act II.

After a pretty impressive stretch of "24" watching, I can only come to this question: which is a worse source of comic relief, "24" or Bloc Party?

Um, hey...I'm black, gay and British too, y'know? Where's my "Outside The Lines"?

(Disturbing sidenote: the lack of rap references to "24." No, I'm not counting "24s." I dunno, "I'm like Jack Bauer, got drama every hour" or whatnot. Maybe I just haven't heard Lil' Wayne's The Palmer Mixtape yet, if such a thing exists. And it probably does.)

Speaking of comic relief, might as well throw my hat into the ring with another Slam Dunk Contest post. I said last year that getting pissed about the scoring methods of this thing is about as useless as complaining about the strike zone in Rock 'n' Jock Softball. Well, it didn't make things any easier in 2007, and yes, I can extrapolate this to explain why I don't consider gymnastics, ice skating or diving a sport.

I find the treatment of Nate Robinson to be kind of odd. Yes, I know that little dudes like Spud Webb, Earl Boykins, Muggsy Bogues and, to a certain extent, Khalid El-Amin are often beloved by fans who aren't particularly interested in skills so much as resemblance to Phife Dawg. 'Cos everyone loves Phife.

Height of Muggsy Bogues, complexion of a hockey puck

Nate's not like those guys. Nate will punch people in they face just for livin', even in the shower. Word to Tim Hardaway, you're more likely to get coldcocked in an NBA shower than....never mind. And let's not forget that Nate played the Steven Jackson role in the Nugs/Bricks brawl. Paul Pierce brought that cardboard cutout on the floor and I feared that he'd end up being the only guy in the NBA to get stabbed two non-consecutive times.

I beg of you David Stern: please let this be the last time Nate is in the Slam Dunk Contest. I really can't take this shit every single year. We've seen everything this guy is capable of, and unless you let him use a trampoline, that's not gonna change. Maybe Stern can't take much more either. You know how much he hates stalling during the Slam Dunk Contest. How else do you explain planting that ecstacy in Chris Andersen's locker?

A distant #2 in "Birdman most likely to kiss another man"

Honestly, I'm not all that surprised in retrospect that Dwight Howard ended up getting screwed far worse than Iguodala did last year. Was the concept behind the dunk hysterical? Of course it was, particularly the part where he got Prodigy to grow eight inches and throw him the alley oop pass.

I break bread, ribs, hundred dollar bills

But can you think any NBA superstar more humorless than Michael Jordan? Well, how about Kobe Bryant? "NBA Posterized" was quite possibly the greatest show in television history; does it get any better than hearing the likes of Shaq, Darryl Dawkins, Kevin Johnson, Tracy McGrady and so forth discussing the greatest in-game dunks in NBA history? And would you believe that one of the four best was by Tom Chambers?

And yet, whenever Kobe got on there, it came to a screeching halt. It was "Christina Applegate in 'Anchorman'" bad. Not because he was brutally butchering jokes (I'm looking in your direction, Magic), but instead of enjoying the moment, he'd talk about the X's and O's, like "I did a high post move and switched to my offhand." Despite the rumors, I can't believe he and his wife and swingers; he just seems like the kind of guy who does superhuman shit at work and then goes back to the lab and broods for the rest of the night on some House shit.

So think about it: Kobe and MJ constitute 40% of the judging panel. A stunt like Howard's had no chance at all. So I beg of you, David Stern: get these guys off the case next year. Personally, I'd roll with Shaq, Noreaga and Clinton Portis and go from there.

It's not like they'd do a worse job; for whatever reason, the guys somehow thought jumping over a table-that-really-isn't-a-table is more impressive than jumping over Nate Robinson while reenacting a dunk so ill, it got Dee Brown his own fuckin' shoe. At least they got shit right on Tyrus Thomas. A lot of people were disappointed in his performance, but I didn't see that as being any more or less indifferent than anything else he's done since he became a Bull. Even the most thoro Thomas skeptic couldn't foresee him becoming Stromile Swift this quickly.

I'm all for Gerald Green becoming that new dude, but he just doesn't seem to have the same swag that the guys of the past did. Say what you will about Shawn Kemp (particularly how he looks like post-dreads Busta Rhymes nowadays...which should be of more concern to Busta Rhymes), but his performance on "Posterized" was surprisingly hysterical. Shit, everyone's performance (other than Kobe's) was. From the sound of Green's interviews, I'm guessing with a great degree of certainty we were only getting one year of college from him. If I remember correctly, he signed a LOI to Oklahoma State, but they should be glad he never made it. Between him, Bryant Reeves and Dexter Manley, they'd probably lose their accreditation.

Stillwater, but apparently not very deep

kill! your! television!

2007-02-10T13:29:00.000-05:00

Nothing like a little Ned's Atomic Dustbin to start your Saturday off right, no?

Don't quote me on this, but doesn't the average person watch some ridonkulous amount of TV per day? Like, 7-8 hours or something? I always take those studies with a grain of salt because you never know about sample size and as Homer Simpson once put it, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forfty percent of all people know that.

I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes

But mostly, it comes down to the fact that you'd literally have to come home from work, turn on the TV and not stop until you eventually go to sleep in a Michelob/Funyon-induced daze. While I'm sure there are plenty of people who are into that kind of thing, I think there are a lot of people like me who simply don't watch a lot of TV.

I feel conflicted about saying that I don't watch a lot of TV (or didn't watch a lot of TV, as I later explain). Whenever someone makes a point about "oh, I don't watch TV," I automatically (and most of the time, correctly) assume that this person is a complete douchebag. Because you never say that kind of thing without trying to imply, "yeah, I don't watch TV because I spend all my free time reading Tolstoy and being all cultured and shit...so, are you gonna make out with me or what?"

It's a little different for me, because when I say I don't watch a lot of TV, I use the term "TV" to mean "non-sports programming." I'll sit and watch six straight hours of college football like it's nothing, but I barely could get past thirty minutes of prime time sitcoms. And moreover, for the last three years, I was in law school, which imbues you with the guilt of always having something you could do, and probably should do. You could really be finished with all of your reading, and yet, you still could benefit from studying or outlining or polishing up your resume (later, this would change to "blogging").

This is no longer the case right now, and three nights out of the week, I have an hour cordoned off for my "stories." "House," "24" and "Grey's Anatomy" are certainly different in approach, but they're all tied together by one characteristic: they all require Herculean suspension of disbelief.

For "24," it's pretty obvious why. Combine your skepticism surrounding the continuing triumphs of James Bond and McGyver, and you've got what it takes to pick up what Jack Bauer's throwin' down.

Two on the waist, two on the ankle, two to just spank you

And I'm not the first guy to mention this, but Wayne Palmer is threatening to knock Warren Harding out of the ranks of "worst president ever" in spite of being a fictional character. Let the punishment fit the crime. Some people have argued that "24" is hawkish because it legitimizes the use of torture and almost always portrays foreigners as being the terrorists. But I think it has a Republican agenda for more subtle reasons; Palmer is singlehandedly setting back the cause of electing a black president by about a century. Barak Obama could run against Mark Foley in 2008, and all we'd be thinking about is that speech Palmer gave when rejecting Tom's proposal.

Palmer is the pres, but I voted for Shirley Chisholm

"House" is different in that the formula the show follows has become so strict, that it's almost like watching science fiction instead of a medical drama. I'm not sure how quickly word spreads around that part of the country, but I imagine some newspaper or magazine would've got the scoop on the amazing shit this guy does. I'm waiting for the episode when one of his patients says, "look, I'm completely prepared for all the unnecessary surgery I'll be getting while you eventually find the real problem. Can you just make sure I'm doped up real good in the meantime?"

Don't blow my high when I'm sippin' on purple rain

But when it comes down to it, no show requires a greater suspension of disbelief than "Grey's Anatomy." And with that, I've officially made it OK for women to read my blog again. But really, no show infuriates me in the unique way "Grey's" does. I enjoy watching it, but I really wish I could channel the energy I spend trying to constantly suspend my disbelief into something that could help humanity, like making Cisco more readily available. In the debate as to whether "House" or "Grey's" has more credibility, I side with "House" every time. It has nothing to do with either show's scientific accuracy or inordinately attractive medical staffs. It comes down to this: based on these two shows, Seattle is the worst city to live in America. Comparatively, "The Wire" looks like it was made by the Baltimore Board of Tourism.

How can that be? I've never been to Seattle, but it seems like the kind of place everyone wants to move to. It's actually third in line, but it's more sensible than the usual alternative desirables, those being Portland (Seattle's got more job opportunities) and Vancouver (do you really have the balls to move to Canada)? And yet, New Jersey looks infinitely more attractive than the Emerald City based on their medical dramas. Yeah, Princeton's got worse scenery and it's usually cold, but at least the medical atrocities are the individual type. Meanwhile, if we're to take "Grey's" on its word, it's got more mass casualty events than Beirut, up to and including train wrecks, utterly absurd bomb scares and now, ferry boat disasters. Not to mention the dozens of metaphors that are completely brutalized by the show on a weekly basis.

Worse yet, you'd better hope you don't have a coed team working on you. Because at some point, they'll leave you open on the table because the chick realizes that she's working with the only male in the hospital she hasn't given head to yet; so she better get on that. It's even worse if you're black. Once again, if I'm to take "Grey's" on its word, either black people (particularly couples) are exponentially more likely to suffer major injuries, or Seattle's population is 75% African-American. And we all know the latter ain't true.

And that's before you get to the staff itself. As one of my Seattle connects put it, you can easily tell "Grey's Anatomy" is fiction because the only two corporations that employ more than four black people at a time are the Supersonics and the Seahawks. Besides that, they're wholly unrealistic, particularly in a physical sense. If you are employed by Seattle Grace, there's a good chance ya ass is either gon' get shot, stabbed or knuckled down, one of the three, so don't gamble wit' your life, duke.

Definitely got the gat on me

Add to that list, "nearly drowned." Or "having the ability to lift concrete pylons." And yet, they pop right back up for more as if nothing happened. In the end, despite Shonda Rhimes' attempt to portray a medical staff as diverse and emotionally open as possible, these aren't surgeons: these are Nazi ubermensch.

UPDATE

More news from the Seattle correspondent of Sexy Results!:

But commuters like my father ride that thing everyday, and to my knowledge the worst injury that ever occurred on the ferry was a sprained ankle. It in fact it did crash at one point into a marina on Bainbridge (I think the captain was drunk) and has collided with another ferry in the fog, but again no real medical emergencies emerged from that.

Because of all of this, I was already amused when I saw Merideth fall off the pier. When I saw that "dramatic" "to be continued moment", I wanted to hurl because that pier is only 8-15 feet off the water (depending on the tide). Therefore, the worst injury she should get from the fall were some wet panties.

Also, good thing I waited on writing that Virginia basketball post, what with us getting the business from Seth Greenbergsteinwitzberg.

cleanin' out my closet

2007-02-09T20:50:00.000-05:00

Couldn't pull one drag off RZA's blunt

The announcement of the first openly gay NBA player this past week was disappointing on several levels. For one thing, I think a lot of us were secretly hoping it was Kenny Anderson or Patrick Ewing or something. Secondly, it made me a little sad inside thinking how difficult it must be for John Amaechi to find someone special; if you saw a profile on match.com or whatever saying "6'10" GBM, loves basketball and The Klaxons," you'd automatically assume they're lying. Third, you stole Kanye from Dame (sorry, there can't be a discussion about homosexuality without a Cam'ron quote). Fourth, I haven't heard any opinions on this yet from the NBA's answer to dead prez, Jermaine O'Neal and Etan Thomas. Oh sure, when David Stern fucks with the dress code, it's a race thing and you're totally against the war, but just how liberal are you guys when it comes down to brass tacks?

Lastly, and I think a lot of media outlets are picking up on this, in terms of courage, John Amaechi is slightly below Private Joker and slightly above the protagonist of "In The Air Tonight." This really doesn't strike a blow for gay rights so much as it ensures that John Amaechi will be far more famous and profitable than he ever was or had any right to be. All those book deals, TV appearances, etc.- those weren't really poppin' off when he was merely a more British Greg Ostertag.

Of course, the real boon in all of this is getting to hear other NBA players react, proof positive that you should never ask a pro baller opinions about anything remotely important. This article should permanently end any possibility of Charles Barkley becoming a politician. At the very least, it unquestionably posits the Sixers as having the most homophobic front court in the NBA. All that was missing was Sam Dalembert calling him "batty boy."

I seriously doubt we'll see an openly gay active player any time soon, and that's a shame, because NBA players should really see the big picture here. I'm not really talking about embracing different lifestyles because it's the right thing to do. But think about it; most of the players' concerns (other than getting ass-raped in the shower) revolve around whether a homosexual would be "manly" or physical enough to be a good teammate. Look, you could probably guess this from watching a gay episode of "Next," but homosexual men have far more exacting standards when it comes to physical appearance than straight women do. I've never been to Muscle Beach, but I can't imagine it doing more damage to my self-image than going to the West Hollywood L.A. Fitness already has. Let's be real: Stanley Roberts would be the loneliest gay man alive.

If I were a GM, not only would I completely accept a gay guy on my roster, I would actively try to find one. If John Amaechi came out while he was still an active player, hopefully he would choose to do once someone other than Larry Miller was signing his paychecks. And if he did, I guarantee you he'd be an All Star, and probably a Hall of Famer. Think for a second- the guy plays center. His opponent posts up in the paint, and all of a sudden, he's trying to box out by putting his butt into a homosexual's crotch. If that above article is any indication, that guy will go as far away from the basket as possible to avoid this. If openly gay, John Amaechi would neutralize any post presence. Even on the offensive end, it works. We saw what happened when Magic came back to play in the All-Star Game after he admitted having HIV. No one would go within six feet of him. Most NBA players probably assume all gay guys have the high-five anyways, so what would stop Amaechi from scoring at least 30 a game? Bill Simmons was totally wrong again; an openly gay John Amaechi could totally be the next Bill Russell.

But even off the court, having Amaechi around would've worked. Look, I'm not saying that NBA players have trouble pulling tail. But John Amaechi's gay and he's British. By my calculations, that would probably put him in contact with the kind of chicks that probably aren't hanging outside the locker room, ready to blow Peja Stojakovic right when he walks off the court after playing 42 minutes if it lets her get closer to Chris Paul. Maybe it's me, but I assume that most NBA players will eventually get tired of passing around the last three years of XXL's Eye Candies of the Month. I mean, would you hit it if there was a chance Michael Finley got to it first?

tell the freaks to find a man of they own

2007-02-09T10:46:00.000-05:00

After witnessing the latest batch of reviews for the new Bloc Party and Clap Your Hands Say Yeah albums, I've come to the realization that I really miss the old internets. Don't get me wrong; I think both of these albums are really great, but it brings me back to something I read back in August. I was in between two job interviews in Beverly Hills, and even though I was rocking a suit at the time, I felt more comfortable wasting an hour reading a magazine than I was at the Bentley dealership (what advantages does this motorcar have over a train? Which I could also afford). For whatever reason, I picked up Wired, which was running a Pitchfork profile. I recall them saying that after they gave Travis Morrison a 0.0 and subsequently ruined his career (despite his sterling track record in Dismemberment Plan, a lot of college radio stations wouldn't touch his album), they realized that they've gotten too big to really pull something like that anymore.

And as is the usual case, many sites are following suit and completely wussing out when it comes to taking out indie sacred cows. Let me repeat: "A Weekend In The City" and "Some Loud Thunder" are great, but they're just begging for the kind of withering, unnecessary and ultimately entertaining backlash we used to get back in the day. The going theory is that the blog community is populated by sweatpants-wearing haters who praise bands like Arcade Fire for their resonance and then pan them once they resonate with too many other people. If anything, we're becoming too nice.

I recently had an album review pitch turned down by my Stylus editors. If you've spent any time on the internet, you've probably seen an ad for this group called Young Love. My interest was piqued, seeing as how he looks like he belongs in Teen People and yet, he's popped up on Stereogum and Losanjealous. I gave the album a listen. Observe my first two paragraphs from the aborted review;

I don't feel particularly guilty about beginning a discussion about Young Love by mentioning its ad campaign. Let's be real: if you read Stylus, you probably frequent a battery of other music sites that have been absolutely plastered by Young Love promo. This is a mission with laser-guided precision; go to the Island website, and you'll find an obviously popular indie-leaning girl who could be anywhere from 16 to 25. She's in varying degrees of undress, getting prepared for tonight's festivities. In 2003, she would've ended up slumped on her bed, doing her damnedest to imitate Natalie Portman. In 2007, she won't be doin' the standin' still; she's ready to go out to the discotheque (does America even have these?) and dance, man.

Young Love wants desperately to be her new favorite band. The most prominent blurb about the Dan Keyes vehicle is how they find a middle ground between Bloc Party and Justin Timberlake, which is not as audacious as it wants to sound. For one thing, many people (Stylus writers in particular) hold them in almost equal regard, and if I'm not mistaken, these are nearly the exact coordinates that get you to Panic! At The Disco. Of course, there are also stubborn assholes like me who, all four-on-the-floor disco beats aside, realize that alienation is Kele Okereke's most pervasive lyrical theme and think most of FutureSexxx sounds like it comes from the perspective of a date rapist. So if these are truly the elements of Too Young To Fight It, that makes sense, since this is an album that's supposed to get the party crackin' in spite of the fact that it's the kind of music that has no relationship with a dancefloor whatsoever. As a matter of fact, it'd make great intro music for boxers, as Young Love inexplicably does what M.O.P. never could: inspire me to fucking coldcock a total stranger.

It was ultimately rejected for being too much of a hatchet job, and that most reviews of it would probably pan it anyways, so it wasn't worth the space. Man, do you think that would happen in 2002? I'm getting too old.

Here's one of the points I made in the last paragraph"

Then again, from this review, you might just assume that Young Love will be someone else's problem, but there's a reason he's on Stereogum and not Teen People; the Great Crapshoot of 2006 proved that everything's fair game with the indie kids these days, but it hasn't been liberating so much as the full-blown realization of Talib Kweli's sentiment on "Hater Players".

Which quote am I talking about? Reverse psychology got em scared to say when shit is whack/out of fear of being called a hater, imagine that!

C'mon, people. Even the 19-year old self-described "emo girls" who intern at my office think they're shit. It's one thing if Rob Sheffield rides for their cause, seeing as how he's the father of the "if you can't beat 'em, join' em" thread of music writing that found Limp Bizkit and Korn being critical darlings in 1998 (this happened. I remember it). But unless you are a teenage girl, please stop making excuses for this band's popularity and start telling me why they're actually good. Are the lyrics good? No, they're the most irritating in all of rock music. Is the production good? No, it sounds like a Bon Jovi record. You get the idea. Your teenage years were good. Stop guessing at what today's kids are supposed to like. "Siamese Dream" is still a fucking awesome record. Go listen to that instead.

In other news, the first real job I ever had was working as a cashier at Dollar Express. I say first "real job," because I had two previous side hustles. The first was babysitting my cousins, which was how I got that Genesis money up back in the day. They had Super Nintendo and the Playboy Channel. As a 12-year old, that's pretty much all the perks you need. Before that, I worked at the country club across the street, picking up the golf balls from the driving range. I got to drive the cart around and I had access to all the pretzels and soda I wanted. As an 11-year old, that's pretty much all the perks you need.

But anyway, fast forward to your boy at the Dollar Express. Didn't end up lasting too long; I got fired because I rung up a transaction incorrectly and forgot to circle it on the receipt. Who knew that a store that charges the same price for everything were such sticklers about finances? Anyways, the joke was on them, since the guy who gave me the axe was a cokehead who was embezzling money from the company.

During my brief stint there, the best way to pass the time was to listen to the quiet storm shit on the PA and try to pick out if it's been sampled in any rap track. Being that it was during the heyday of Bad Boy, the chances were often pretty good that it was.

This is something I still enjoy to this very day; why, just the other day, I was in Rite Aid and, while holding a box of Q-Tips, I was all of a sudden paralyzed. As in, "oh shit...I've been looking for that shit they sampled all this time!" To answer your question, the track is "So Free"...on Diplomatic Immunity 2. No, I'm not embarassed by this. I go into the liquor store to get some wine, and I hear "Ain't No Woman Like The One I've Got" (stay in school if you can't get the reference). And I just stand there and let it run.

Of course, post-DipSet, the doors have been blown open and now we've got Billy Joel and Phil Collins as likely to get sampled as Patti LaBelle. This had me thinking: everyone's already made jokes about how there should be a DVD that collects all the reactions of NBA players to the Slam Dunk Contest. Well, what if you got a show where you got Cam'ron, Ghostface (because that's the only NYC rapper Killa hasn't clashed with), Jim Jones or whatever and put them in a room with an XBox 360 and whatever liquor they wanted. The premise of the program is this: you randomly spin selections of '80s R&B, hair metal and blue-eyed soul and just watch them react to it. Would this not be entertaining? Sure, by episode five, you'd hear nothing but, "oh shit, that had me open back in the day!" Still, those four episodes we could get out of this would be the most priceless television in history. We can make this happen.

a kilo is a thousand grams

2007-02-03T16:38:00.000-05:00

Oh yo, Troy- I can't feel my face

Kudos to ESPN for using the most appropriate headline possible in order to announce Michael Irvin's induction into the Football Hall of Fame: "Cowboy Yea." The only way that could've been better is if Thomas "Hollywood" Henderson also got in today.

As far as the Super Bowl goes, we all know the main storylines: Peyton Manning, '85 Bears, two black coaches in the Super Bowl and two in the unemployment line (it probably should be three, but Romeo Crennel is presiding over the "classiest" four win seasons this side of Sylvester Croom), Bill Belicheck clearly establishing himself as a complete asshole (yo, Ted Johnson- next round's on me), etc. Those are all heartwarming, right? Well, ESPN's like, fuck that noise! If you want uplift of the human spirit, I suggest you go here and read of the gripping tale of a child born into ridiculous wealth, never working a real job in his life, ending up in rehab and fulfilling his spiritual needs by getting in his private jet and dropping millions on pop culture paraphernalia. Seriously: Jimmy Irsay's like some sort of weird combination of Bill Walton, George W. Bush and The Game, if The Game constantly name-dropped poets instead of members of N.W.A.

Wouldn't get far

meanwhile, he flashin' his face like denzel

2007-02-02T00:39:00.000-05:00

Yeah, even in the JPJ, Duke gets all the fuckin' calls. S-Dot's gotta eat, though. And I'm hoping enough NBA squads watched game tape of this, because if any team picks McRoberts (or Hansborough) in the Lottery, I need to know what GM has access to the best drugs. Something tells me that Chris Mullin's #1 with a bullet.

i'm tryin' to kick the shit you need to learn, tho'

2007-01-28T13:42:00.000-05:00

Brolic

For reasons I'll explain in the post to follow, I've waited until February to make a list of "most slept-on albums of 2006" (if I'm still writing in 2008, Apostle Of Hustle will definitely make next year's list. Just a feeling). But in reminiscence on things that have gotten overlooked, I think "Dr. Katz" might as well come with its own Craftmatic. It sort of has a similar level of fame that, say, "The Critic" has, but unlike the latter, "Dr. Katz" hasn't been overplayed in syndication to the point where buying the DVD would be redundant. If you live near a Best Buy, you can get Season One for a very reasonable $14.99, and remind yourself that Ray Romano and Dom Irerra can actually be pretty funny sometimes. Honest injun!

I shouldn't have to go over the premise again, but you have to admit: it's rather genius. For the most part, what is stand-up comedy other than the airing of one's neuroses? What I can't quite get a grasp on is the concept of Squigglevision; something this weird usually gets a justification along the lines of, "it's intended for people who are very, very stoned." But then I remember that this aired on Comedy Central, and not Adult Swim and its humor is about as dry as Southern Cracker (still possibly tied for sixth with Table Time and Allied Biscuit).

My question to the reader: what happens first?

a) An Atlanta rapper names himself "Lil' Young."
b) MF Doom samples that tasteful jazz ish that constitutes "Dr. Katz" theme music

pay us like you owe us for all the years that you hoed us

2007-01-21T12:01:00.000-05:00

We can talk, but money talks...so talk mo' bucks

10-4, good buddy- Paper Chase got his money up. It's a good thing too, because even though the Fightin's once again came ohsoclose to the promised land of the playoffs, you couldn't help but check out Utley and Scrapple Dun Dun's ESPN player cards without getting nervous. We've been searching for proper nicknames for a long time, and we might as well just call these two the Cold Crush Brothers, considering how they've been rockin' crowds for chump change. The NL's MVP and premiere second baseman combined for 90 home runs, 251 RBI, 385 hits and 235 runs...and made a grand total of $885,000 last year, or about as much as Danny Tartabull got for every at bat he made in a Phillies uniform.

Still, Ruben Amaro, Jr. had to talk a gang of bullshit about why they decided to lock dude up for the next seven years:

"He's a hard-nosed, full-throttle player who exemplifies the spirit of Philadelphia. He is tailor-made for this city and we couldn't be happier to lock him up for years to come."

Ignoring the fact that he grew up in Pasadena, this is exactly the kind of stuff that makes what I said in the last post true as hell. Stop perpetuating the myth that Philly would rather have their guys be scrappers than people who score a lot of sports points; we loved the 1993 Phillies because they got to the World Series. Nowadays, most guys in the city know Lenny Dykstra as a juiced-up gambling addict, Curt Schilling as a sanctimonious Fox News shill and John Kruk as being someone who's trying so hard to be baseball's John Madden but is really baseball's Tony Siragusa. And then there's Darren Daulton, who's spent the last decade doing a better job of being Kool Keith than Kool Keith himself.

Now my helmet's on, you can't tell me I'm not in space

These guys almost certainly cheated back in the day and almost certainly didn't care about putting in extra hours for practice and conditioning, and no one gave a shit- Philly fans just want to see their teams win! Can anyone say for certain that Chase Utley is really putting in twice the work that Steve Jeltz or Juan Samuel did? What was Utley's "effort metric" in 2005 (David Epstein's was an astounding 18.5 grizzlebees)? Maybe that "we can dream that the '80s never happened" tagline is better applied to Jeltz; back in 1988, you could hit .187 in 148 games and still be the starting shortstop for the Philadelphia Phillies the very next season.

What we can say for certain is that if The Jet managed to put up a 35-game hit streak, people in the Illadelph wouldn't give a shit if he spent more time with his Soul Glo than at the batting cages. Of course, that cheese-eatin' surrender monkey did spend more time with his Soul Glo than at the batting cages, so that's probably the reason he hit .218 in his career.

Rumor has it it's an S-curl accident

disappear here

2007-01-20T11:27:00.000-05:00

We can dream that the '80s never happened

Taking a trip round my sorely neglected blog circuit, one thing seems to strike me: 2007 is finding people being pretty fucking optimistic. And I have to jump on that bandwagon. Maybe it's the fact that Pitchfork's #1 albums of the '70s, '80s and '90s all came out in the "-7" years, but something about 2007 seems like some good shit's gonna pop off. In the span of two weeks, I've gotten promoted in two different jobs (if you want to qualify my AOL gig as a "job"), almost sealed the deal into moving into my own place in El Segundo and saw My Morning Jacket in Downtown Disney (I had to be sober in order to make the drive back, but it almost feels negligent to be in Downtown Disney and not be balls-out tripping). And, for reasons I'll explain in subsequent posts, I already feel like I've heard more great albums in 2007 than in 2006, and it was just fuckin' MLK day.

Of course, the flipside of all this is that people are pretty jazzed about 2007 because 2006 pretty much sucked on all fronts. Okay, let's be clear: a year can't itself suck. Not one where I pass the Bar and move to a new (relatively) exotic part of the country and discover that Tab is still sold there. But the reason I moved from LiveJournal to Blogger was that people should be more concerned with what happens in the world of music and sports than my actual life. Because most guys who blog about their life do so thinking they're the new Tucker Max when they're just a bunch of swag jackers who think any night they down more than two Coronas was "the craziest shit ever." I can't blame 'em; Max has weed carrier-types seriously cakin' off their book deals.

But considering that Sexy Results! is, for the most part, a music and sports site, there's no question that if 2006 wasn't worse than 2001, it's the closest one. My God, did you see a year-end Top 20 list where you liked half the shit on it? I don't even write for a site that accomplished that! Although to our credit, Stylus had a better list going than just about anyone else, even if by showing our true colors, i.e., gay/technophile/Brit, sometimes all three, led to Pet Shop Boys being at #19 even though I had no idea it was a new album.

On top of that, sports peaked within the year's first couple of days. Vince Young was the kind of guy you could pull for even if you didn't give a shit about college football. Not only did he almost singlehandedly vanquish a monolith of Sportstainment!, but in contrast to USC's pretty boy knobshining, we had a straight H-town repper who managed to infiltrate one of the most tradition-heavy programs in the nation. Imagine an Alabama quarterback who went into interviews talking about how he got his O-line hyped up by listening to David Banner or Dirty or whatever.

But after that, we were subject to the least interesting bunch of championship teams I can think of in recent years. It wasn't even uninteresting in the Yanks/Bulls mode...at least you could actively hate them. The Steelers and Seahawks both scored about 5 on the pH scale, and some people even resorted to backlashing against Jerome Bettis because they couldn't think of any other reason to care. The Mavericks, Suns and Clippers heralded a bolder, brighter future in the NBA replete with daredevil athletic moves and colorful role players. And then the Mavs suffered a complete (and possibly referee-induced) collapse that resulted in one of the most loathesome champions in years. Look, I love Shaq. Everyone likes to talk about the Redman episode of "MTV Cribs," but Shaq deserves a lifetime achievement award from that show. I can't knock that. But D-Wade is by far the least compelling of 2003's godbodies, and Alonzo Mourning is a fucking asshole who demanded to be bought out from a playoff team and predated Shawne Merriman's pointless arm flexing. I don't think Gary Payton could find fun in a Chuck E Cheese.

So when I think if I'm mad the Eagles lost, I can't say for sure. Many have said the Eagles were basically playing with house money, which is a strong candidate for "Least True Thing of 2007." Yes, rallying to the NFC East crown was unexpected, but there weren't too many Philly faithful who looked at Seattle and Chicago and didn't think, "I don't care if any of the remaining AFC teams would run us off the field. But we can definitely get on that field." Not to mention that if a Philadelphia team was going to bring home a championship, now would be a good fucking time. It's gotten to some "40 Year Old Virgin" shit.

The Sixers fooled themselves into thinking that they could be competitive and ended up like an expansion team two months later. And yes, Andre Miller strikes me as being someone who'd be the best player on an expansion team. Meanwhile, the Flyers figured that a good way to bring fans back into the fold after the strike was to keep evoking memories of what brought them there in the first place: NHL '95. Of course, ten years later, guys like Derian Hatcher are the biggest liaibilities possible and they became the worst team in hockey so quick, it made my fucking head spin. I mean, I always thought that hockey's regular season was like classes in college; failure wasn't the result of shit luck so much as the active pursuit of failure. You have to try to be that bad. Worse yet, Flyers tickets are readily available for the first time since pre-Lindros, and I'm on the other side of the country.

And then there's the Phillies who spent the offseason deciding that upgrading from David Bell to Wes Helms and Mike Lieberthal to Rod Barajas was the best way to keep pace in an increasingly competitive NL East. Scrapple Dun Dun had to go sign with CAA. No one even knows if Temple basketball is good anymore, and I'm not sure anyone even cares. So that "house money" theory was bullshit; Philly fans are looking at teams that might not be competitive for five years.

But it was certainly a different feeling going to war with Jeff Garcia instead of McNasty, but this is essentially the same guys we've been dealing with since 2001, i.e., Reid, Westbrook, Funyan, Trotter, Dawkins, Akers, snouts and entrails at wideout, some mediocre defensive tackle we draft in the first round, and so forth. Rooting for the Eagles for the latter part of 2006 wasn't like learning to love again after your heart's been broken. It was like having sex with your girlfriend after she got a radically different haircut.

And I can't see Garcia leaving, even if McNabb's job is secure. Jeff picked a bad year to be a valuable backup, as the teams most likely to pull the trigger on a QB are...the Lions and the Browns. As they say, fool me once...

There are two reasons I haven't taken the loss so hard. For one thing, it seemed to be exact karmic realignment for the Packers game of 2003. Allow me to refresh your memory on what had to take place in order for the Eagles to win that game;

1. The Eagles had to stop Ahman Green on a 4th and inches in their own territory the only way possible: by praying to God that Mike Sherman would call a timeout and punt instead. Now, the defensive coordinator ended up getting blamed for this loss, but this set the wheels irreparably in motion. It was a phenomenally dumb call; Green was running through the depleted Eagles' D with a machete (Deuce was similarly unstoppable).

2. Against the Packers, The Eagles had to convert a 4th and 26, and to do so, Freddie Mitchell had to make the catch. Due to the game's relative lack of importance, I don't think this is talked about as being one of the most unbelievable occurrences in modern sports history. I know this was only three years removed from Kurt Warner's entire 2000 season, but still...name five things that have happened since then that were more shocking than the creation of "First Down Freddie"/"The People's Champ" (yes, I miss the guy).

3. If you've seen a lamer duck thrown in playoff football than the one Brett Favre put up in OT, you're probably watching highlights of Super Bowl VII.

Fast-forward to this year when six games of evidence pointed to that actually running the ball more than twenty times a game might've been a good idea for the Eagles, a team not really known for 4th-quarter competence. Yet on a 3rd and 1 within the red zone, Reid decides to get cute and throw a screen pass against a reeling Saints D in a game that was clearly not going to be won with field goals. Andy, you've watched too much Mark Simoneau and Hollis Thomas to not feel perfectly secure about your team's ability to pick up a 3rd and 1 on the ground.

Meanwhile, minutes later, Andy Reid decides to punt on 4th and 15 even though the Eagles have more plays over 20 yards than any team in the NFL, two time outs and no idea how to stop the inevitable Deuce McAllister runs.

I realize that it sucks, but it might be for the greater good. You shouldn't root for the Saints simply because you, unlike our boy in the booth, care about black people. You should root for the Saints if you give a shit about the NFL being watchable.

As I've said before, the NFL is pretty much a giant sorority; there's some marginal differences, but at the core, they're all the same thing. I'm amazed that Madden is more popular than NCAA 2007 for that reason. When you're deep into dynasty mode, you can always switch to Rice or Air Force in attempt to win a bunch of games in a different way than you've done it before. Meanwhile, it doesn't matter whether you've got Antonio Gates or Ronald Royal as your tight end in Madden...he'll end up with over 100 catches by the end of the season.

But the Saints can help change this, and you should be rooting for them. Okay, let's not forget that the other three guys aren't exactly the most enticing. I'd hate to think that Bill Simmons will be walking around my city with a 24-hour erection in the event the Patriots win, and even though I'm not the biggest Peyton Manning fan, I'd rather see his agony be fully transferred to Eli for the rest of his career. And I've got no real beef with the Bears, but I can't fully support them as a Super Bowl champion when they strike me as a team that's perfectly capable of losing 37-3 any given week. There's not too many playoff teams I ever really felt that way about.

And I'm not sure the Saints can really come through, because they're pretty much a less criminal minded version of the Bengals. Like, every time the Saints didn't score against the Eagles, I felt relieved, but I still feel the sting of defeat because the Eagles probably should've scored just as often.

Here's the problem with the NFL; coaches are on a shorter leash than they are in college. The only goal for a team in the NFL is to win a Super Bowl, and every team has a decent chance to do it every single year. If Al Groh managed to even lose the Fiesta Bowl, he'd probably have a statue put up on campus. Meanwhile, NFL coaches can achieve quicker success, but they can get fired a lot quicker, because firing a coach is an easy way for owners to prove that they actually give a shit about their fanbase's input.

And as the Jets and so forth have proven, the quickest way for an NFL team to get good in a hurry is to use defense, an ugly-time consuming running game and an easy schedule to get into the playoffs. And it wouldn't hurt to hire the least charismatic coach possible. Everyone will of course rag on the Texans for picking Mario Williams with the first pick, and while it wasn't the right choice, as I've said before, it wasn't really wrong either. Of course, it's harder to say that in retrospect seeing as how they need a RB (drafting Adrian Peterson would do some serious damage control in terms of position and local flavor, but I don't know if Gary Kubiak, a Broncos disciple is into that) and a new QB.

Meanwhile, the Saints are on some money shit, successful out the blue. They basically got a bunch of new toys during the offseason that were all on the offensive side of the ball and became the most fun team to watch in the NFL. It doesn't matter that Reggie Bush is averaging about nine feet per carry; do you not get a little excited every time they give him the ball? Brian Dawkins said that it's actually a little easier to defend the Saints when Bush is in because they shrink their playbook in order to get him outside. But then you realize the Eagles have to shift their entire defensive mentality just for one guy.

Well, of course, there is the matter of the whole Katrina thing as well. Seems like New Orleans could probably use a Super Bowl more than the Eagles. I've said before how I can't really fathom being a hometown fanatic when so few pro sports teams embody anything about their city. I might have absolutely nothing in common with Jameel Sewell, but there's at least the common thread of us voluntarily picking the same institution. Yes, you can say Drew Brees picked New Orleans, but if Miami didn't feel like cratering their QB situation for the next five years, I don't think Brees would've cozied up to the Big Easy so easily.

But the Saints are pretty much inextricable from their home city, and it's not just because when Fox cameras panned to Joe Horn in street clothes, I thought for a split second it was Juvenile. It really comes down to hope of rebuilding and finding a new way to do it. I'm probably talking out of my ass here, but the old school method of disaster relief is relying on the governmental help...in other words, the same people who fucked you in the first place. One thing I've learned from law school is that if you knew the kind of people who planned on working in politics, you'd learn to never trust the government to do anything competently. When was the last time you dealt with anything governmental (be it the DMV or post office or whatever) and ended up satisfied with your experience?

Meanwhile, the Saints have rebuilt themselves seemingly from scratch (really, I wondered whether Goodall was going to have to allow N.O. extra draft picks because no free agent would want to go there), and they've done so in the most exciting way since the Greatest Show On Turf. Bill Simmons comes off like a whiny bitch in his latest defense of the Patriots, but he accidentally reaches the right point: we're bored of corporations winning the Super Bowl. Yeah, the Patriots are scandal free since Zeke Mowatt (BALLIN'!), but they pretty much are the embodiment of rooting for clothing. You can root for the players on the Saints; McAllister for being at the center of the tragedy, Colston for proving that drafting WR's is a bigger crapshoot than QB's, Brees for turning a free-agent deal with the Saints into something reasonable, and, I never thought I'd say this, Reggie Bush for embodying the NFL we wish we had. Yes, I'll watch anything that's playoff, and the NFL is by far the most popular sport we have, but I just worry that it'll eventually turn into the NHL, getting surpassed by the video game version of itself.

Of course, this whole post ensures that Rex Grossman becomes the new Neil O'Donnell in Super Bowl XLI. T'anks for nothin'.

and i front like my doo-doo don't stink

2007-01-08T00:48:00.000-05:00

Instinct like Cuba Gooding, jumpin' out the latest toy (no Kordell Stewart)

Um...but if you do a Google Image search for Jeff Garcia, you're likely to find something where "silk shirt and my chest show, what a flirt" is more appropriate.

You know, I got all kinds of respect for Tiki, but let's be real: he was rockin' a "Portland Trail Blazer in February" face that entire game. As in, "I could clearly not give a fuck whether or not I win today." And I don't know what it is, but why does Dr. Hahn from Grey's Anatomy look like Tom Coughlin rocking a wig? Yes, that's a Sexy Results! exclusive right there.

Find the reason Peter King shouldn't make any more references to Megadeth.

From one ethering to another, it's like an AIDS test...what's the result? Not positive. Now that your year-end lists are turned in, let's begin the national healing process of actually liking stuff you actually like.

So yeah, even though I stand by my opinion that "The Takeover" was a far better and more effective track than "Ether," the latter's kinda more fun to quote, mostly because it's a lot more scattershot, leaving plenty of choice nuggets that are nice to pull out of context. Your man stabbed Un and made you take the blame.

Also, there have been a lot of reviews bandied about for Nas' "Hip Hop Is Dead," but until mine, none of them have been right. It didn't really shine through in my first paragraph, but Nas might well be hip-hop's Madonna; not so much in the chameleonic sense, but more because no one gets better reviews when their album manages to not suck as bad as its predecessor.

It's no surprise that Nas continues to rap over second-banana beats, but my bigger issue is that my favorite Nas personae fail to show up at all. Those being irrational shit-talker (the guy who absolutely aired out Noreaga and Cam'ron in 2002) and irrational rich guy. Particularly the second part. Weiss will argue this point to no end, but who didn't enjoy his guest verse on "It's Mine"? Or "Let My N***as Live"? How long would it take you to come up with a boast as fly as "the only n***a Sade dated"?

sexy results! most disappointing albums of 2006

2006-12-28T03:42:00.000-05:00

Yeah, maybe I could give you the best of 2006, but you can already find it over at Stylus. I'll say this, though: I was posted up at the McDonald's in LAX and I overheard from afar a synthy, sorta-Euro, vaguely reggae sounding song that I knew I was familiar with. I thought to myself, "hey...this sort of sounds like 'Marble House'...are they really playing The Knife here?" Turns out it was "All That She Wants." So make whatever you want out of that, aware that it still clocked in at #19 on my list and Stylus finally put up a #1 that didn't immediately embarrass us. And hey, two brown people at in a row at the top spot without having to resort to TV On The Radio!

But Sexy Results! has never been about, you know, being all praiseworthy and whatnot. Disappointment? Right in my wheelhouse, baby. So, in a year that certainly saw no shortage of albums that made me wonder whether I liked music in the first place, I present to you the ones that stood out the most...

The Futureheads- "News And Tributes"

I've been listening to the new Bloc Party album a great deal, even though it's a rather shitty rip that makes it sound like they recorded it aboard a moving train. For what it's worth, it's very good. Very, very good, even if Kele's becoming a pretty mushy lyricist. But more importantly, it's distinctly different from "Silent Alarm." Let's face it: they probably couldn't have made an album that sounds like "Silent Alarm" that's better than "Silent Alarm." As a matter of fact, the only way to improve "Silent Alarm" is to take the last three songs off of it. Not because they're bad, but they don't really fit, "So Here We Are" sounds like the kind of song that deserves to close out an album, and "Silent Alarm" sounds like the kind of album that's stronger at 11 tracks than 14.

But anyways, the fact that "A Weekend In The City" doesn't follow directly in its predecessor's footsteps (irony: they have to drop off the Panic! At The Disco tour because the drummer got a punctured lung, and yet 85% of "A Weekend In The City sounds like it was made with a drum machine) is important regardless of whether it's met with backlash. Because there was every indication from prior "angular"/Brit-or-Brit-sounding bands that you have to follow up your debut with a paler imitation of it. "Room On Fire," "You Could Have It So Much Better," "Antics," and now, "News & Tributes." And the reason I'm happy with Bloc Party going the route they did was because this bowl of flavorless root marm is what happened when The Futureheads were faced with an almost exactly similar situation.

The Larry Levan Story- Journey Into Paradise

I'm not big on compilations, but when there's something that can sum up a genre I'm completely unfamiliar with and it's getting outstanding reviews, I'll give it a shot. Well, after listening to this joint, I'll say this: not since my first prostate exam have I been more certain that I'm not gay.

Ryan Adams/Conor Oberst

Honorable mentions. How did neither of these guys end up making an album in 2006? Running trains on Winona is not a good excuse (seriously, has she gotten around to fucking the dudes in Roman Candle yet?). Oh, "Noise Floor"...if you have the patience to get past the first three tracks, you were a hostage in a previous life.

Kelis- "Kelis Is Here"

I usually have no use for R&B albums, but Kelis has always tried to give off the impression that she's different than most people in her genre. The most egregious way she goes about doing this is making it abundantly clear that her rapper boyfriend actually fucks her. Well, do you wanna know why this shit completely disappeared after "Bossy"? Because it's mostly filled with anonymous ballad bullshit and almost no sass. So, can we flip the script and say Nas emasculated her too?

Killer Mike- "I Pledge Allegiance To The Grind"

Stop me if you heard this one before: Dixie also-ran releases album that's fairly popular regionally, but mostly ignored by critics and mainstream. Releases angry mixtape that talks about nothing but coke and industry rule #4,080 with assorted beef raps and the occasional flicker of political insight. Mixtape viewed as underground masterpiece. Just make sure you give Pitchfork invites to your listening party, and you're guaranteed an 8.5. Killer Mike's ceiling was the Dungeon Family's Beanie Sigel, but now he sounds like a less versatile 40 Cal. This could easily be a parody of blogger rap if it wasn't so damn sincurrrr.

Grizzly Bear- "Yellow House"

Umrph...huh...wha? Oh, sorry...I was in the middle of my twelfth spin, trying to figure out if this is actually good or not. Must've been resting my eyelids. In all seriousness, this band really impressed the shit out of me live, but next time you make a record, give the drummer some.

Scott Walker- "The Drift"

The male answer to "Ys," except actually worse. There's a 99% chance you'll never meet a person in real life who can get through two straight songs of his.

Rilo Kiley solo projects

The cans are real, but the twang is not. Christ, would it be that embarassing to own a Carrie Underwood album (no Romo)? As for The Elected, if Grandaddy was capable of releasing only one good album (they'd make this list too, but I keep thinking "Fambly Cat" is a figment of my imagination), what chance do they have?

Swan Lake- "Beast Moans"

Too many MC's, not enough mic's. Exit your show like I exit the turnpike.

Deftones- "Saturday Night Wrist"

Note to Maverick Records: maybe you should have funneled that "Hole In The Earth" video money into buying enough cocaine and Domino's pizza to ensure these dudes recaptured even a sliver of "White Pony"'s magic. My only guess is that the Deftones and the Raiders offensive line decided to switch places in some sort of NoCal reality show hijinks. It's not like anyone would notice.

The Walkmen- "A Hundred Miles Off"

Fifteen playful otters get clubbed every day the world at large pays more attention to these guys than The National.

The Streets- "The Hardest Way To Make An Easy Living"

When I think back on my college experience, what stands out is that my best friends during first year are people I haven't spoken to in years. Imagine having that kind of social fluidity when you're 26. It's a pretty common thing, I presume. These are the kind of people you usually meet during Orientation Week or Rush, when you're actively looking to meet all the people you can; you hit it off with someone immediately and spend about the next month or two hanging out all the time. And then, they slide out of your life because it becomes abundantly clear that you've already heard everything this person has to say.

It's tough to lump Mike Skinner into this category after one album that's probably not as bad as I remember it being, but the shoe certainly fits. Right after I graduated college, "Original Pirate Material" was up there with "Lifted" in terms of being albums about the 20-something experience I was really susceptible to liking. I played "OPM" pretty much all the time whenever I went to DC for the weekend. My mans an' 'em Neil lived in an apartment complex in Georgetown that looked exactly like the album cover. Likewise, "A Grand Don't Come For Free" was the sort of album I was susceptible to liking after a tumultuous first year of law school. However, here I am getting on with the rest of my life, and here Mike Skinner is making the second best PSA against cocaine since "Be Here Now." It's right behind the intro to "Kilo."

The Stills- "Without Feathers"

Band accused of being a shameless Brit-rock ripoff decides to make a roots-rock album. Those who forget Black Rebel Motorcycle Club are doomed to repeat them.

...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead- "So Divided"

Dude, I stood up for you clowns and made "Worlds Apart" #13 on my Stylus Top 20 last year. And yet you're making an album for "a few pretentious farm equipment-wielders whom I won't mention" (his words, not mine) that tried to ruin your fuckin' career because giving a 10.0 to a mainstream alt-rock album embarassed the shit out of them? Yeah, well played. Turn Swedish or gay, and we could've nudged you into our Top 50 at the very least.

The Roots- "Game Theory"

The best album released in 2006 that I can go months without listening to.

Oh, and if you're looking for Jay-Z, Nas, Ludacris, Method Man, Clipse, Jeezy, Cam'ron (in retrospect, was "Killa Season" that disappointing considering what came after it?), OutKast, and just about any other mainstream rapper that dropped in 2006 (really, what's left for 2007? Common? Fiddy? "Detox"?), you can't consider an album a disappointment if you got exactly what you thought you would.

spending time with my family, like the corleooooones

2006-12-22T17:35:00.000-05:00

So yeah, I spent today getting my teeth examined by an Estonian lady at the Temple Dental Clinic while it rained all day and clocked in at about 45 degrees. Nope...don't miss Cali at all.

But as far as Temple goes, it might not have the most aesthetically pleasing campus, but maybe you place more importance on the availability of curry goat within walking distance.

Oxtails chopped up in Caribbean spots

Also, I got the indelible experience of going to the Trenton airport. Now, if you've ever driven past Trenchtown, you probably saw a bridge that states, "Trenton makes, the world takes." Once you get past the Jim Jones "did he just say that shit?" nature of this slogan, it's actually kinda true that Trenton's been picked clean. Talk about a bare-bones operation; that shit looks like a Ross with airplanes in the parking lot. Speaking of which, how is it that a certain Rick hasn't hooked up with these guys yet for an ad campaign?

Everyday we hustlin' to bring you the hottest new brands at the lowest prices

But I guess Trenton appreciates the business, as they brung 'em out for what was apparently the first Delta flight to ever come by. I think I might've shook hands with the mayor. There were free mugs and danishes. Hey, gotta get on your grizzly when you've got one terminal to your name.

Still, it's a far better experience than being at the Trenton train station, which I've forsaken for Greyhound whenever I need to get to NY for under twenty bucks. The train station's been on my shitlist since they closed down the Roy Rogers. Just a theory: after indulging in one of their high-viscosity roast beef sandwiches, too many people were faced with the difficult choice between shitting their pants and taking their chances with a Trenton train station toilet. Too many people understandably chose the former.

But you can't really knock Greyhound when it's an affirmative choice rather than one of desperation. Taking it to New York from Philly is worth the hassle, certainly a better option than the Chinatown buses...word is that fucking coffins with people in them show up on those shits. But if you gotta rock those down to Florida, you've hit rock bottom. Either that or you're storing a ki of Peruvian white in your colon and you're shook by the jakes at NJ Transit. Either way, that's rock bottom.

Just a question in light of the current weather conditions: if you're homeless and you're down to your last twenty or thirty beans, why not take a Greyhound down to Miami so you can be homeless somewhere warm?

So, in essence, Greyhound bears a lot of similarities to Cisco. Not the food corporation or Yancey Thigpen's mans an' 'em, but that shit Biggie was talking about in "Going Back To Cali." I'm utterly astounded at how few people have actually heard of it, but then again, it's an incredibly rare find. Just do the knowledge at this site and pay extra special attention to the former slogan. But yeah, it's the Greyhound of fortified wines, allowing dudes like me to brush up on hobo culture without actually pickling my liver in the process.

Freaks from Frisco not included

i bent my wookie

2006-12-18T22:58:00.000-05:00

I was expecting my review of "Hip Hop Is Dead" to be up at Stylus, but we've held off on running new reviews until January 2...but now that I think about, I only recently came up with the best way to summarize 2006 in the world of New York hip-hop. Allow me to explain:

You remember that episode of "The Simpsons" where Allison Taylor enrolls in Springfield Elementary and starts beating Lisa at everything she excels at? Well, the uncomfortable tension comes to a head in the climactic Diorama-Rama, the second most anticipated event at Springfield Elementary next to Hearing Test Thursday. Both Allison and Lisa are working at a maddening pace to beat the other, and in a crisis of confidence, Lisa finally decides to sabotage Allison's presentation by stealing her diorama, hiding it under the floorboards and replacing it with a cow's heart.

As Allison struggles to explain to Principal Skinner where her diorama went, Lisa has a change of heart and allows it to be presented at the very last minute. Skinner's evaluation: "sterile...no real insight." As for Lisa, "well, this doesn't deserve to win." As Skinner approaches Ralph Wiggum's diorama, he laments, "ugh...now we're in the dregs." As it turns out, Ralph brought in a box of unopened Star Wars figurines, much to the delight of Skinner. And since they've run out of time and don't really care much anymore because it's almost lunch, Wiggum is awarded the blue ribbon. He later brags in a sing-song voice, "I beat the smart kids!" despite not being aware of what a diorama even is.

Ladies and gentlemen, Allison is Nas, Lisa is Jay-Z and Ralph is Jim Jones. Once again, "The Simpsons" apply to everything.

What's a battle?

In other DipSet-related news, this was probably my favorite brawl news of the weekend. Not just because the guy involved in the altercation is named Cam-Ron, but because they included this line:

Cam-Ron Clay takes it hard to the hoop before taking it hard to his coach

The "no homo" writes itself.

everyone choose sides

2006-12-03T11:44:00.000-05:00

Don't worry, the DipSet Christmas album review is coming. You absolutely have to love Jim Jones; only he can release something like "Jim Jones Presents: A DipSet XMas" and only have the first five songs be about the actual holiday. Seriously...by track six, he's calling out "bitches," "faggots" and the "hip-hop police."

Not only that, but he has three "bonus tracks" on there. I'm always against classifying something as "hidden tracks" or "bonus" or whatever; it always seems like a cop-out to me. If it wasn't good enough for the album or it didn't quite mesh, make it a B-side. Why did Jones call these "bonus tracks"? Because he felt they didn't fit in the narrative?

And yes, there's a song called "Ballin' On XMas." And yes, it's a reinterpretation of Run-DMC's "Christmas In Hollis." One can make the argument that by playing this song about 10,000 times every December, BET has ensured that it'll end up being the most influential song the group has ever made. There's a good chance I've seen that one video more than any other in my lifetime. And the dough was for me!

Jim Jones- "Ballin' On XMas"

In the meantime, might as well let you in on the second-most important ranking process of the year. We'll leave the BCS out of this for now, because that's its own post. I get the feeling that Florida is going to go up against Ohio State and get a beatdown of mythic proportions, which is a good thing, because I need all 5,324 Michigan blogs out there to bitch about it. Gotta kill the time until next season some way or another. Just remember, Florida fans: the last time you won a national championship, it was in a rematch. The ironing, as they say, is delicious.

But anyways, I just had to turn in my Top 20 albums list for Stylus, and while #1 hasn't moved since March, there's a bunch of jostling in the teens that will make me instantly regret the list five days from now. To be honest, I couldn't put much thought into the singles list, because no one ever really remembers that shit. My favorite song can change at the drop of a hat, and if I was given another week to make the list, I bet "Reppin' Time" wouldn't have ranked so high. I have to remind myself that they (I didn't vote) made "Since You Been Gone" as the winner of 2005, though I probably would've groused on the message board how it ripped off "The City."

The Dismemberment Plan- "The City"

(that's right...we know how to use Sendspace now)

You want to know how quickly it was patched together? I had to put "Chain Hang Low" as my #11 and I still don't know if I actually like it. I'm thinking that Jeff and I should've bloc voted just to get "Fry That Chicken" in there. That would've been fun. But really, I'm not so certain what's so bad about the song. It's easily my favorite track by a woman who used to be a dude since "Oh." And moreover, in the end, it's about frying chicken. How does liking fried chicken end up being more embarrassing than your average DipSet song, which manages to place black people and homosexuals in the worst possible light? They make these songs all the fucking time in country music. Sometimes you just like what you like. Am I ashamed that I work with three other people named "Cohen" and that we have bagels in our office three days a week?

But anyways, I plan on bashing out my Top 20 on this site in the next couple of days. And no matter what happens, I'm sure Jenny Lewis will get her proper due should we make a list for "Best Alternative Cans" (and yes, I will cop to completely stealing this line from Buddyhead, and that they said it about Meg White). In the meantime, the usual...

- Even at the tender age of 46, Albert Pujols is, as Kent Brockman would say, a cantankerous old geezer. Let Scrapple Dun Dun live. Besides, if you had choice to ride rims with one of them in the MVP Escalade, who are you goin' with?

I'm 27, so is the duuuuuuuuubs

- A couple weeks ago, I went and saw the Wrens and Asobi Seksu at the Troubadour. Two things have been confirmed: without the chick, Asobi Seksu is the ugliest band in the world, and that every Wrens fans were the most miserable group of people in 2003. Listen to any one talk about how much the love "The Meadowlands" and it will inevitably come down to "I could relate." For those who've forgotten, "The Meadowlands" is a document about grown-ass men who have failed in their careers, love lives and possibly parenting as well. It's an incredibly candid and powerful document, but one whose resonance ultimately comes down to your ability to see yourself in the songs. First year in law school...verrrrry easy to think that you've made an enormous mistake in your life. I mean, the songs are catchy and all that, but so is Panic! At The Disco (which, as I'll probably explain at some point, are nowhere near as bad as I was led to believe).

Oh yeah, and there's no other way to so it: The Wrens are really fucking old. Okay, they play with a lot of energy that belies their age, but there's no ignoring it. They brought up a bunch of people onstage to help them sing "Boys, You Won't," which seems incredibly weird until you realize that the exact same thing happens for "Lover I Don't Have To Love" and "Tiny Vessels." I've seen both Bright Eyes and Death Cab and the kids seem to sing along those songs the loudest. Them indie boys- they looove their misogyny disguised as heartbreak!

But anyways, there's this young-ish looking hipster chick who's dancing incredibly close to one of the guys in the Wrens (I don't know which is which, only that one of them took a "Mexico" surname long before Michael Vick did) and I'm just thinking to myself..."is that girl going to fuck the Wrens? Do they still get down like that?" Look, I know things ain't what they used to be, but you never want to think of your favorite rock bands as dudes who have "matured" past the point of scoring easy ass.

The Wrens- "Boys, You Won't"

- In other news, I made an attempt to see the RZA at the Key Club, forgoing to buy tickets in advance because if you think I'm paying $28 to see just the RZA, you're off that honey dipped spliff. Unfortunately, I underestimated L.A.'s interest in the performance and the shit was sold out. Obviously, there's a big difference between trying to hustle a ticket for a RZA show and doing the same for Grizzly Bear, although I guess if the Grizz had RZA's security, they'd probably still be on tour. I shouldn't have changed my clothes after work; that way, I could convince the people I was with the label. Except I might've got caught in a lie...is RZA on Koch yet? And if not, why not?

But I guess I should've expected more from Wu diehards in the L.A. metro area, because after seeing this MTV Cribs, they probably gave Bob Digi a key to the city. The best part about the Busta Rhymes cameo? That's Spliff Star right next to him on the couch! Peter King made an argument about possibly getting Steve Tasker in the Hall of Fame because he was far and away the best special teamer of all time. I say that Spliff deserves some sort of recognition in Cleveland. His weed carrier aptitude is unapproachable.

Do they still have MTV Cribs, by the way? Look, we've always had to deal with shitty mainstream rappers (more now than ever), but now they can't even get rich enough to even get on "How I'm Living." Say what you want about Sisqo, but wasn't it fun to see his mansion and immediately start a pool to see when it would end up on "MTV Cribs: Repo Edition"? I'm sure it's gone down by now, unless supposed sugar daddy Yancey Thigpen is paying those bills. And no, I can't tell you where I heard that Thigpen was DL like that. This is not something you can actively learn.

- And by the way, considering Diddy's album has about twelve consecutive tracks with a different R&B bitch, it's become obvious why he did "Making The Band" parts 2 and 3: he misses Total about as much as I do. "Trippin'" was the fucking jam. Why does everyone have to start out with a solo career in hip-hop and R&B? Just look at Destiny's Child and Leaders Of The New Schol, to name a few. If you're bankable, people will ultimately find out. But even if there isn't a breakout star, you can still have an En Vogue or SWV. Who couldn't go for one of their likes in the 21st century? Shit, at the very least, you'll end up with 702, which, if I remember correctly, dropped "Where My Girls At" (also fucking jam-ish) and then one of them got knocked up. For shame. Wouldn't your ears perk up if your favorite rapper's favorite rapper got En Vogue on a track in 2006? Shit, if Khia can make it to a Janet Jackson album (wait, her boyfriend didn't shoot her because she gave him AIDS? That was such an airtight urban myth!), anything's possible.

702- "Where My Girls At?"

- The new Ghostface album (which by the way, is fucking phenomenal) has a track called "Miguel Sanchez." I gotta hand it to him...that's a far more esoteric Simpsons reference than calling your band Fall Out Boy. I guess you gotta step your game up around the Def Jam offices if you want to be involved with Pete Wentz and Jay-Z's weekly playdates.

Ghostface- "Greedy Bitches"

it seems the artists these days are not who you think

2006-11-26T17:20:00.000-05:00

- I don't know if you're as excited as I am, but tomorrow's internetting will make a lot of parents incredibly proud that their college tuition did not get spent in vain. Unless we all decide that the new Incubus album is more worthy of Monday's lead review, we're about to see the most hysterical overanalyzing of an LP that expresses so little, it makes a Big Tymers album sound like a "Plastic Ono Band"-style exercise in introspection. I mean, just read this and tell me tomorrow won't be awesome (seriously, Julianne...you might want to listen to the first verse of "Triumph" or something). Talk about putting words in their mouth. All that's left to decide is whether it will beat ol' Joanna's Metacritic score.

Speaking of her, remember what I said about "Ys," like, two months ago?

an impression of an overwrought Bjork trying to remake "Astral Weeks" with nothing but Disney incidental music and Kate Bush's worst unicorn fantasies.

And here's the thing- all these rave reviews of that album seem to agree with me. Different strokes, I guess, but if you can put this album on in a room full of normal people without their last words being, "what the fuck is this happy horseshit?," I'd really like to meet them. I mean, check out this...

He said; someone come quick!
The horses got loose, got grass-sick!
They'll founder! Fain, they'll die

What is now known by the sorrel and the roan?
By the chestnut, and the bay, and the gelding grey?

You're telling me that if some chick in a college poetry class started popping that shit, she wouldn't be ridiculed into an eating disorder? Kids really are soft these days. Actually, this album makes me wish I was still in college, because it reminds me of the process of using a certain CD to tell people to get the fuck out of our fraternity house and take your drunken hooking up back to the freshman dorms, where it belongs. I think I used Aphex Twin for a while, but eventually Burrows took that over by playing whatever doom metal crap he happened to be listening to at the time. Then again, we tried to make a party mix that everyone could agree on, and that dude ended up putting fuckin' "The Stars Are Projectors" on there.

But back to the lecture at hand, I'll just say this: if you think "Hell Hath No Fury" is an event or even an above-average rap album, you don't listen to enough rap. Simple as that. As a matter of fact, that's the album's biggest problem: it still sounds unfinished, a non-event. While I appreciate an album erring on the side of brevity, that doesn't change the fact that two out of the twelve songs here are "Wamp Wamp (What It Do)" and "Mr. Me Too." And other tracks feature such brilliant hooks as "bitch, I'm trill" and "dirty money, dirty money."

Topically, it's like Biggie said: "now they on some money shit, successful out the blue/They light weight...and you still recoupin', stupid." Has Kanye and his sweater vests changed the game to the point where Pharrell can be your best pal and no one questions your drug dealer credentials? Because that's the main problem here; Clipse, while they can come up with some fairly decent punchlines, never tell stories or narratives that can separate them from their characters. Once again, I have to compare it with "Fishscale" to show you the difference between being clever and creating a classic; listen to a song like "Shakey Dog" or "Crackspot." Ghost has the ability to turn them into mini-movies, replete with supporting characters, story arcs and eye-bulging images. Not to mention his voice is possibly the most expressive in hip-hop history. It doesn't matter that Ghost isn't dealing drugs anymore. But he can tell some ill stories. Clipse fail on that fundamental reason: it's not so much they spend an entire album lying to you or that they may be role playing the whole time. It's just that these characters are boring and aren't all that different than any other in the hip-hop game.

Then again, you'll accuse me of being a hypocrite for being a lyrics guy and liking the latest Game album. Ah, but lyrics are just a part of the equation. The Game actually reminds me of "Marshall Mathers LP" Eminem (in attitude, not lyrical acuity), and his one-man army routine is actually refreshing. Although I must say I find his overuse of the word "motherfuckin'" as a space-filler a lot more annoying than the name dropping. Not that I'm against cursing; just something about filling four syllables with that word rubs me the wrong way. GZA did this a lot on "Liquid Swords" too, which will always put it behind "Only Built 4 Cuban Linx..." for me.

Anyway, either of those two (at least they got rid of those other Re-Up Gang asshats for the most part) get on the mic, you get a couple of plays on words and you're right back where you started. Multiple listens to Clipse reveal nothing. And by the way, we were calling Ritalin "diet coke" in college, which is a lot more appropriate. Nice try, boys.

The whole Pharrell thing bites them in the ass on beats as well. Let's face it: a lot of the appeal behind "We Got It 4 Cheap" was that it was able to cherrypick some of the hottest instrumentals of the last decade. Fuck, even I couldn't fuck up the "Daytona 500" beat. And who didn't hear something like "I'm A Hustler" and immediately think, "God, I wish anyone other than Cassidy could rhyme over this...just an above-average guy, and we've got a classic"?

Can you think of twelve decent Neptunes beats that came out since "Grindin'"? Five? For all his virtues (which have deserted him since 2002), there are only a handful of producers capable of handling an entire album. RZA in the mid-90's, Organized Noise, Dr. Dre perhaps...but guys who are known for singles can't do it. Even at his best (say, "Miss E...So Addictive"), Timbaland would throw in one or two truly dud beats.

Pharrell's going for minimalism at a lot of points, but they just sound like beats that have instruments (like, say, bass) on layaway. He's cannibalizing "Drop It Like It's Hot" worse than he did "Superthug" in the late '90s.

Of course, this album is extra fun to champion because it lets you express antiquated anti-corporate screeds. Look, we're all aware of Rule #4,080, but I feel as much pity for the Clipse as I do for Edgerrin James right now. They knew damn well what they were getting into. Jive will be living off "Oops...I Did It Again" money until the end of time, and didn't they spend the majority of the '90s signing everyone who happened to share studio time with Too Short or E-40. I just think it's pretty delicious irony that a couple of guys who paint themselves as Godzilla hustlers got jerked something terrible by a bunch of people who peddle Britney Spears albums.

Particularly at this point, any artist with a decent business acumen knows that you don't go major label until your indie can't do anything more for you. Why not go Koch if you're really getting $8 an album? How many copies of "4:21" were bought because of Def Jam's marketing strength? And how can anyone possibly use the "record labels are evil" line when "The Crane Wife" had two 12-minute songs on it? You think Colin Meloy ran up in Capitol with guns drawn to get that? If you prove you deserve autonomy, you'll get it.

Clipse keeps getting fucked over because they've proven that they'll do club shit even though they absolutely cannot write hooks to save their life. "Wamp Wamp" and "Mr. Me Too" were dead on arrival, which shouldn't surprise anyone who heard "Ma, I Don't Love Her," which might have the worst chorus of any song in the 21st century.

But all this is irrelevant, because places like Pitchfork and, of course, my own damn website basically begged Jive for this album and we'll all look real stupid if it turns out to be the 7.0/B album that it so is. What you'll read tomorrow is the critical community lying to itself, but I guess that's appropriate after listening to an album that's 50 minutes of lying to the listener.

Okay, you may be thinking: "why care? Just ignore it." Well, I'm not one to overstate importance of music criticism, but it does serve as a counterpoint to typically popular stuff. If the only thing that changed about "Funeral" was that it got a 7.7 instead of a 9.7, you think they cause the same hubbub? Do you remember reading about "Madvillainy" in Rolling Stone? Does MF Doom get on a Gorillaz album without internet hype? I fucking miss the days when 'fork and 'em could at least admit to being elitist. We've all gone from breaking Broken Social Scene and The Wrens to giving B.G. a second chance at a major label deal. Really, nothing sums it up like a choice quote that got lumped into our review of Dave Chappelle's Block Party...

But I never like seeing an entire subculture sacrificed to groupthink, even when I agree, for the most part, with Village Voice blogger Tom Breihan when he calls indie-rap (ED- in other words, anyone in the movie) “rap reimagined as half-articulated boho worldview rather than, like, a way to have fun.”

The reviewer then later goes on to call "like ranch, I dip" a "lethal punchline." I'll let you guess who he quotes. But yeah, Black Star was a whole lot less fun than Clipse. Common never wrote a party song. Fuck the Roots trying to broaden hip-hop's instrumental pallette. Fuck rap doing anything other than presenting and reinforcing negative stereotypes of black people for white internet pleasure. I love how Clipse had a line that went "all I see is blackface and you singin' 'Mammy.'" Was he looking in the mirror or something? Maybe they're introspective after all.

This wouldn't be so bad if there were less people in positions of power (influentially) that take their opinions unfiltered from the internet. Is there any coincidence that ever since praising shitty coke-rap became cool, you've heard more complaints about how there aren't any good rap albums anymore? Shit, "Kingdom Come" could very well be a top-ten major label hip-hop album of 2006 because I have a lot of trouble thinking of nine others that are actually out there. "Late Registration" may have been Time-hop (need to think of a better term), but if the same guys are gonna ride for "Hell Hath No Fury" one year later, I'll say all is forgiven.

- Speaking of which, I planned to make this a separate post when it happened, but hey...you get your fill on Sundays now. Make this last all week if you have to.

We all know what happened in the University of Miami brawl against Florida International. There's no need to rehash any of it. But have you heard anything about this? Really, go ahead and read the story, if for no other reason than the following line:

He is known as one of the few Southern rap artists who compose thoughtful lyrics.

Because I think we all know Tom Breihan slept outside the offices of the Baltimore Sun for years just so he could shoehorn this quote in.

The bigger question is this: suppose that event happened at your alma mater. Further, suppose it was your school wildin' out against FIU on the gridiron. What would be more embarassing? It's pretty tough; I think most of us feel as if the football program at our schools represent a separate arm of the university. Yes, I went to school concurrently with Aaron Brooks, but I'm pretty sure his life was incredibly different than mine. He had an armada of tutors and coaches ensuring that his stutterin' ass got to class and made decent enough grades. All I had were my parents (keep in mind, the dorm phones didn't have caller ID in 1998).

But what if your fellow classmates were injuring themselves chasing dollar bills at a Lil' Wayne concert? Ignore your appraisal of Lil' Wayne as an MC; this could be a Jibbs show for all I care. Odds are, the one thing you take the most pride in when it comes to your alma mater is its educational reputation. While football woes may get more media attention, you can always figure that the team operates on a different level than most students. Here are your fellow classmates literally beating each other up for one-dollar bills. Any thoughts?

- Speaking of which, there was a lot of exciting football being played yesterday, but for cursory watching, nothing will top the Bayou Classic. Everyone knows about the marching bands, but there are more subtle pleasures to keep you hooked. For one thing, there's the special teams. If you want to see an extra point shanked five yards wide left or a punt from the endzone falling out of bounds at the 25-yard line, you'll be a pig in shit here. I know that a lot of HBCU's are under financial strain, but can't they get a strength and conditioning guy? A lot of offensive lines just look like the coach went around campus picking the five fattest people he could find.

But best of all are the uniforms. Now, I've always made it a rule that if I've seen a color combination on an NFL uniform, it matches in real life as well. But this is why I don't include the college ranks...

Still I stay dipped like the first day of school

That shit looks like the Karl Kani gear that ended up in Marshall's when my brother worked there...in, like, 1994.

- Glad to see that Roger Mason is back on his grind with the Wiz. I can't wait until he gets dealt at the trading deadline again. He's shaping up to be this generation's Rick Brunson.

- Also, glad to know that I don't have to commit to watching any more Eagles games this year. I certainly hope those linebackers didn't get paid. Maybe Andre Waters saw it coming. R.I.P., Dirty. I'm just hoping Izell Jenkins is taking this season a little better.

Probably will be subject to more updates.

hopefully they'll menage before i reach my garage

2006-11-22T10:33:00.000-05:00

I guess I shouldn't have to remind you that I'm still kufi-smackin' at Stylus, and today I handle Jay-Z's new album. That, in and of itself, isn't so interesting, but this comment should lure you there...

How is "sex with both Beyonce and Rihanna in the last year alone" an accomplishment? Both women are something like half his age, Rihanna in particular. That's gross on his part, not great.

Word?

I mean, rilly? Lest we forget, this is Jay-Z...

As a matter of fact, that's the most impressive shit he's ever pulled off in his lifetime. And that includes "Get This Money." And the remix.

like eric b. for prez...

2006-11-18T00:18:00.000-05:00

Respect me in this bitch

Your boy passed the Bar...fuck knowin' a lil' bit. The Results come back with a vengeance on Sundays.

EDIT: Just not this Sunday...have to do a lot of Stylus writing.

we matched schedules on october 9th

2006-10-09T00:26:00.000-04:00

Um...had a few posts here and there to update, but that seems like wishful thinking considering I start my job tomorrow (which is today under EST). Which represents the first time I went into an office building and got paid for it since 2003. Moreover, I appear to be offering my subject matter to other forums like a Marlins-style firesale. Want album reviews? Go to Stylus.. Live show reviews? Soon to be at Mish Mash Magazine. And by the way, this means I won't have to pay for a concert ticket or a CD for a looooooong time. And my various and sundry bitching about UVA's bottomless ineptitude, go to AOL Fanhouse.

That really about covers it, I guess. Besides, most of you who read my blog have jobs by now. Get back to work!

go away...i'm 'batin'

2006-09-28T12:12:00.000-04:00

There once was a time where you cared about whose ass it was on the screen and why it was farting.

Seriously, go see "Idiocracy." Don't be 'tarded. Plus, there needs to be people who spot the numerous references I plan on making in the near future. Just remember the lessons from "Office Space": get on the bandwagon before dropping a line from this movie makes you a played-out douchebag. In this day and age, the window's smaller than ever.

A lot of people wonder what Mike Judge did to piss off movie execs to the point where it was dumped in theatres with Koch-level promotion. Well, because in terrms of illustrating the precipitous decline of human intellect, I guess they thought he was preempted by "Chain Hang Low."

like lyric records, i ain't tryin' to hear it

2006-09-26T22:14:00.000-04:00

Music criticism isn't a full-service industry. While you'd like to think that most websites you frequent are compassing all facets of the art, it's obvious that each one has their bread and butter stuff. In any given year, there's a good shot that Pitchfork or Stylus will name a Sub Pop or Merge or Matador release their #1 album of the year (this year, it probably should be Frenchkiss, but I'll get to that soon). PopMatters and Paste cotton to the upwardly mobile white woman and Aimee Mann may as well get some lifetime achievement award from them. If Bob Dylan or the Rolling Stones made an album, pencil it in for a five-star review at Rolling Stone. And if it sucks, odds are, it'll make the cover of Spin eventually.

What I'm getting at is even if someone claims to listen to "everything," it can't possibly be true. The Stylus message board is a supersmorg of new releases, all of which I can have for free. But I nonetheless have to pass on a lot of them because there's simply not enough hours in the day for it all. And this is coming from someone who won't start his new day job until October 9.

The way I usually figure out whether or not I can take it is if I can honestly ask myself, "is this from a genre where I can tell the difference between the good stuff and bad stuff?" You'd be surprised how much this eliminates. No matter how much my forthform chums rave about Hecker, Xela and whatnot, all ambient/white noise/experimental post rock sounds exactly like Fennesz to me, no worse or no better. And let's face it, the only reason I tried to get into Fennesz in the first place was because it ranked so highly on both 'Fork and Stylus' top albums list of the new decade.

But sometimes, I'm willing to give things a shot out just for the hell of it. As I've said, I've got a lot of time on my hands right now. So, without further Apu, Ian's 2006 In Review, the "I can't believe I listened to this" Edition...

John Mayer- "Continuum"

I've written before about how it's hard to believe that songs like "Get Ready For This" or "Who Let The Dogs Out" were ever new. They're so woven into our cultural fabric that it seems impossible that they actually climbed charts and gained public awareness as opposed to just appearing from the ether.

I'd throw in most adult-contemporary music into the ring as well. At some point, guys like Steve Winwood and Bruce Hornsby were in the process of being hitmakers as opposed to mainstays on radio stations that get played in banks ("that's just the way it is, indeed"). Of course, most people also forget that even during our halcyon days of MTV, you'd be just as likely to see Richard Marx rockin' out in Wrigley Field as you were to see Dr. Dre or Nirvana.

And by the way, I saw a placard up the other day which advertised the new N.W.A. book...from Jerry Heller's perspective. I thought he'd wait for the rest of the group to die out before actually releasing this, but I guess he figures that most of them are too rich to really give a fuck about the guy anymore (this is probably not true of M.C. Ren). Is it possible that Jerry Heller is modern day Colonel Sam Phillips? Dude was absolutely immortalized in the "Dre Day" video; "I work for Sleazy E..." God, those videos were great. They really just don't make 'em like they used to. I always agreed with the premise of the "What They Do" video, but not because diamonds and champagne and video ho's were a bad thing. It was because the Hype Williams/Little X era was when rap videos stopped being funny.

The greatness of the videos from "The Chronic" stemmed from the fact that they had hilarious ideas and nowhere near enough video-making savvy to ruin them with production values. Watch a hip-hop movie and the outtakes are always funnier than the movie itself. Hip-hop's always at its best when there's a certain lack of pretension involved. There's a big difference between that girl getting sprayed with 40s at the end of "Nuthin' But A G Thang" and Dame Dash pouring Armadale on a bunch of girls in bikinis.

Oh, right...John Mayer. Anyways, I wanted to give this a shot, not just because it's getting oddly reverant critical acclaim, but because it's my chance to experience the release of a Bruce Hornsby album when I'm old enough to know what it means. Let's face it: pegging this dude as a Dave Matthews clone was dead wrong. John Mayer is wise beyond his years when it comes to being ready for adult-contemporary rotation.

This isn't "sensitive white boy with an acoustic and a story to tell" anymore, but it just might be worse: smarmy Papa Soul belting with the sort of anaesthetized Blueshammer riffs that are described with faint praise like "tasteful" and "restrained." I've said before that you shouldn't let his music interfere with the fact that he's kind of the Man, but you'd probably be better off avoiding his music in full. Listening to this makes me wonder who actually picks up a guitar for the first time, dreaming of one day making music like this. But I guess I'm in the minority; as long as American Idol retains its popularity, I'll always know the answer to the question I found myself asking for years before it became a TV smash: "is there really anyone out there who dreams of being the next John Secada?"

I guess you can say this stuff is pretty well-written. The guy certainly doesn't betray his Berklee training, and there is a melodic complexity inherent in his work. The problem is that it's unimaginably dull. There isn't even a "Your Body Is A Wonderland" or "Daughters" in there to rile you into a murderous rage. It's so polite and unhurried that you wonder what he ever did to make you hate him in the first place. Except for "Waiting For The World To Change," which is his "political song." I was thinking about live-blogging this album, and here's the lyrics that made me think it could've been a wonderful thing:

it's hard to beat the system
when we're standing at a distance

now if we had the power
to bring our neighbors home from war
they would have never missed a Christmas
no more ribbons on their door
and when you trust your television
what you get is what you got
cause when they own the information, oh
they can bend it all they want

Oh, and this is by far the best one...

one day our generation
is gonna rule the population

But why not throw in the last verse, just for kicks?

me and all my friends
we're all misunderstood
they say we stand for nothing and
there's no way we ever could
now we see everything that's going wrong
with the world and those who lead it
we just feel like we don't have the means
to rise above and beat it

Then he goes on about drowning in your secret garden or whatever, but there you have it. John Mayer: political firebrand. Lovely.

And to answer your question, no, I couldn't get through the whole thing. And fortunately, since I'll never have to be in the car with my old boss from the GLA, I'll never have to involuntarily be subjected to it ever again.

N.O.R.E.- "Y La Familia Ya Tu Sabe"

Forgive me for prejudging, but I had my doubts about the guy who's said the following being a cultural liaison:

"Yo, let's get loose, Hennessy straight with tomato juice

"I gotta keep my mouth shut and don't say 'what what'"

"Fuck a closet, I keep my fuckin' gear in the truck"

"I don't really like to fuck...you see, you's a big diesel dude. You probably got a lot more energy than me."

Oh, and there's the matter of the two most ignant skits of all time ("Shows!" "Wet Willies"), possibly topping that "I'm A Ho" joint from the Ruff Ryders compilation I can't remember off the top of my head.

But here we are. Rather than playing to his strengths (Swizz Beatz/sub-Cam'ron thug bluster), he's made a reggaeton primer, I assume for people who would never buy a reggaeton album. So what is this, like, the "O, Hermano, Donde Esta?" Hard to say. It's all based on pretty much the same beat, and I can't really tell what anyone's saying in Spanish. Then again, with N.O.R.E., that's probably a good thing; I'm told that a lot of the Pitbull and Daddy Yankee stuff is actually mind-bendingly filthy. A year ago, this may have gotten some interest, but I can't imagine anyone who isn't Hispanic actively seeking a reggaeton album in October of 2006.

Mastodon- "Blood Mountain"

Metal is a tough nut for me to crack. With the pop stuff, if it's catchy, I can go with that. With the instrumental stuff, it's all prettified and I can chill to it, that works. But what about metal? What can even the best stuff do for me?

I've tried though, for the most part using the Metacritic filter in order to see which stuff I could get down with. I tried that drone-metal stuff like Isis and SunnO))) and laughed my ass off. Well, we're seeing a bit of a metal uptick as of late with bands like Lamb Of God and Mastodon getting major label deals. Apparently, these guys might be more in common with stuff on Headbanger's Ball back when it was watchable, but then again, I have a copy of "Vulgar Display Of Power" that I haven't played in years. Even if "Fucking Hostile" is the jam, I always thought Pantera was for people who wished Metallica was more overtly racist. Like how Bob Seger was for people who thought Bruce Springsteen was a pinko fag.

But anyways, if your favorite music site doesn't have a "metal" guy, they definitely should. To me, it's just as necessary as the "jazz" guy or the "techno" guy; there's a lot more to the genre that you think, and you need someone who can parse it out for the rest of us, particularly since they are far more "insider" cultures than indie rock or hip-hop, which have tons of crossover fans. A Wolf Parade fan is far more likely to be into Three 6 Mafia than they are with Jesu.

I can say without a doubt the best "metal" guy out there writes for Stylus. And Cosmo Lee's the best because his reviews are the most informative; you will definitely come out of anything he writes feeling like a foremost expert on the band and most importantly, he tells you what it sounds like. He's reversing the damage that decades of music critics with more education than Congressmen have done.

But he was a little lukewarm on "Blood Mountain," and quite concerned about what a major label would do to them. Since it's "outsider metal" with major label backing, I guess that makes me a good canary in the coalmine for something like this, and I gotta tell you: it's kinda awesome. It probably is the equivalent of hearing an old Metallica album for the first time, particularly since it starts off with a ridiculous drum solo and a Motorhead riff. The important thing about all of this is while there's no "Enter Sandman" to be an entree for guys like me, the instrumental work is very melodic and exploratory into light and shade. It's probably not the kind of thing I'd play for other people or even love, but it rocks in a proggy "Mars Volta if they didn't blow" way and I'm glad this is gettting the attention it has.

Thursday- "A City By The Light Divided"

For a while, I thought I was going to review this for Stylus, and I'm glad it didn't happen because no matter what grade I gave it, I would've regretted it in retrospect. Not since Slipknot's "Iowa" has an album been so awesome, yet clearly kinda suck at the same time.

A big part of that has to do with Dave Fridmann. I'm a huge fan of his work (even though "The Soft Bulletin" is probably my third favorite album of his, behind "Deserter's Songs" and "Hate"), but when you consider the whimsical, funhouse LPs he's known for, it seems like a bad fit for the most dead serious rock band in the biz. Ah, but neither know a thing about restraint.

And that's pretty much a prerequisite knowledge before entering this experience: it's the loudest album I think I've ever heard. Stylus writer Nick Southall has done an incredible series about the modern trend of overusing compression and whatnot (READ!), and I just wonder if he's ever heard this album. Probably not, because it'll make his head explode.

I can't front: this is a great album to listen to at the gym. Probably because the gym is so noisy that you have to push the volume on your iPod to the point where this starts making sonic sense. But otherwise, Fridmann uses volume like a blunt object, breaking every bone in the sonic structure to the point where it's just a distorted blob at times. This is the kind of album where you see the second-to-last song is called "Into Blinding Light" and you just know it's going to build into defeaning distortion. Which it does.

But I imagine this is the best album Thursday will make; there's a lot less screamo than in the past, and even if Fridmann works to their disadvantage at times, he stills makes things a lot more interesting. If nothing else, it's just more proof that when emo bands go for "atmospheric," they almost always end up sounding like U2. Plus, "Counting 5-4-3-2-1" really fucking rocks, almost singlehandedly making up for the inclusion of "We Will Overcome." That's the sort of ballsy but misguided appropriation of black culture I'd usually expect from Greg Dulli, but here, it's simply used as a lazy catch-all because Geoff Rickly mentions "Strange Fruit" and the Iraq War and can't think of anyway to tie them together.

So we're back where we started really. Great for an album of its kind, but it'll do nothing to change your mind if you're not actively trying to like Thursday. It just makes me think of what Jonathan Bradley once wrote; in essence, if critics are so hyped up about music intended for teenage girls, why is music for teenage boys completely marginalized? People should've cared a lot more about this album (Island/Def Jam included). Hey, speaking of which...

Justin Timberlake- "FutureSex/LoveSounds"

I remember some day in October last year being an enormous release Tuesday; I think "Z," "You Could Have It So Much Better," "Extraordinary Machine" and some other stuff came out all at once, and I spent the day skipping law school to give 'em a spin while watching the MLB playoffs. It looks like September 12th was that day this year, as there's an unheard of amount of major-indie stars dropping. And that's in addition to TV On The Radio and Junior Boys, whose albums have been leaked for months.

But you know which album is probably got the most attention? You guessed...Well, here's the thing: your favorite critic is probably going ape for what is essentially the male answer to Christina Aguilera's "Stripped." Seriously, have you read some of the shit this guy is saying? He spends the first part of his Rolling Stone interview talking about how much weed he smokes, and then there's this kicker, in regards to how he wants people to approach this...

"Maybe everybody was coked up, but who cares? It was hot. It was all about sex."

Come the fuck on. Okay, so he's done drugs and likes sex. 99% of my friends have done drugs and enjoy fucking. Remeber this past week as the exact point where your major internet outlets completely lost their fucking minds (Jeff does a better job of covering it here). At least when Lance Bass was trying to distance himself from his 'N Sync past, he was sincere about it, and there's a good chance JT's sucking more black dick than he is. J.C. Chasez works with Basement Jaxx fer cryin' out loud, and he can't get one lick of attention. Okay, he did have a song called "Some Girls Dance With Girls" or whatever.

But it's not like that's any less blatant than the shit going on here. Justin Timberlake wants you to think he's some modern day version of Prince just because he shows up to a Rolling Stone shoot with a guitar and uses the word "sex" about 12,000 times throughout this album. Elevate him to "King of Pop" or "King of Sex" (Rolling Stone, eww!), but I'll finance your hearing test if you think anything here has the melodic sense of "Take Me With U," the lyrical resonance of "When Doves Cry" or the rock dynamics of "Let's Go Crazy." Granted, this may seem like an unwinnable contest, going up against what's easily one of the best albums ever made. But hey, if you're gonna liken him to Prince or Michael Jackson in the first place, you'll look as foolish as you did when you compared Kanye to Stevie Wonder last year.

And for all the talk of this being a party album, this whole thing is about as sexy and fun as date rape. Come on, are you that scared of being called a "rockist" if you're honest about this album's merits? For those of you who read blogs rather than write them, imagine Sammy Davis, Jr. was 25 years old and an internet music critic. Now, suppose you call him the n-word and then go on to say, "and you're a fucking kike as well." The next thing you call him is a "rockist." Which one would offend him the most? It's a lot closer than you think (although I'd say "kike" is a distance third).

Back to this pile, it's one man trying to prove to the world that he's a cool guy. And cool don't advertise. It's got all of the eerie gloss of Daft Punk's "Discovery" or Missy Elliott's "So Addictive," but rather than being a paean to E-enhanced love, it's as dead serious in its artistic pretensions as any Radiohead album. And here's the funny part: for a person with his background, you can't even fall back on the singing. You just get his bullshit mack posturing and uncomfortable innuendo in a weedy falsetto and Timbaland absolutely coasting on his beats. I can understand why people would be into "Rock Your Body" or "Cry Me A River"; I remember hearing the entirety of "Justified" because when I was visiting my friend at Penn State in 2002, his girlfriend was the designated driver one night. At least those were, respectively, airy, MJ-aping fun and one of Timbaland's more interesting productions.

But here, the backing tracks are flavorless (we can't even get a "Dirt Off Your Shoulders" anymore) and the sense of fun has been replaced by a positively predatory vibe. Yes, ladies and gents, it's come to this. I have to explain to you why a Justin Timberlake album is worthless. C'mon, y'all: this sucks and you know it. I guarantee I'll hear comments about "it's fun!" or whatnot, but when it comes to hipsters (you know who you are) pounding Sparks and shaking their asses to JT, I'll believe it when I see it. When push comes to shove, they're at the Serena Maneesh show.

The Rapture- "Pieces Of The People That We Love"

Every music publication has a moment that'll make you think "they'll never live this down." It happens just about every time Rolling Stone trots out a five-star review. Spin picking "Bandwagonesque" over "Nevermind" as their #1 album of 1991 is like the bassist from Interpol having herpes: you'd be amazed how many people know about it, and even more amazed how frequently it's brought up. I write for a publication that picked "Blueberry Boat" and "Arular" as their last two #1s. Unless "Ys" ends up at the top spot (prediction: no f'in way), I doubt we'll see a repeat.

Obviously, this is leading up to "Echoes" being named Pitchfork's #1 of 2003. It seemed like a pretty big shock at the time, because it was a divisive album of the highest order. Not in the "oh, they're just ripoffs of Band X" way, but in the "these guys can't play their instruments and they really fucking suck" way.

In retrospect, it's not as bad of a choice at it once seemed. I like "Echoes," but it's not perfect. I'm not sure how they could be called "dance-punk" when "Heaven" and "Open Your Heart" would clear floors out like Agent Orange. But when you look back at 2003, what else was there? The Shins are outstanding, and it's perfectly reasonable for them to take four years to make 30 minutes of recorded music, but I don't consider "Chutes Too Narrow" to be life-altering. "Michigan" was good, but clearly a stepping stone for the superior-in-every-way "Illinois." "Decoration Day" is among the most underrated albums to come along this century, and will probably remain the only Drive-By Truckers album that doesn't require liberal use of the skip button. I probably would've voted for something along the lines of "The Meadowlands" or "Transatlanticism" at the time, but let's not forget: I was undergoing my first year of law school. I still think they're great albums, but they're nowhere near as resonant as they used to be.

It's doubtful that the new album will be anywhere near as galvanizing, even though it's probably better. Just know beforehand you're not getting a "House Of Jealous Lovers." But you're not getting a "Heaven" either. The closest you get to a dud here is "Calling Me," which was produced by none other than...ta-da! Danger Mouse.

Elsewhere, you get the feeling that Gang of Four was a pretty poor comparison for these guys and they're actually more like the Happy Mondays; music that's far funkier and funnier than it should be. I imagine the day we find out for certain that Luke Jenner is retarded will be about as big of a non-story as the day we find out for certain that Cam'ron is actually gay.

New eyeliner, you was flirtin' with a gay designer

Obviously, this sounds like an insult, but you need to lack a certain guile to make the kind of music Rapture's peddling (the same could be said of New Order). Especially when the first words on your new album are "high...high as the sky. Low....low as it goes. Purple dragons fly into your eyes. Milkshake shimmy, cry and cry and cry." Or when you base a six-minute song on the hook "my, my, my, my Mustang Ford." And then the colored girls sing...

But this is probably one of my favorite albums of the year because it works so well within its boundaries. They've pretty much figured out that they're a party band and no one could care less about Rapture themselves; although that may not be true on the possibly-Goodie Mob-quoting "W.U.H.Y.," which is either complete genius or the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Really, this will probably end up in my Top Twenty at the end of the year, mostly because of its consistency and the fact that it knows its limitations and is far funkier than it has any right to be.

Fujiya & Miyagi- "Transparent Things"

Yes, I realize Chuck Klosterman preempted me on this, but really, there's so little that can be considered "guilty pleasures" in an artistic sense. Killing a hobo because it gives you an erection: guilty pleasure. Anything else is fine as long as it's sincere as opposed to trying to put on a front for imaginary girls who want to have sex with music critics for their views on Justin Timberlake.

Nonetheless, I really didn't want to like this album. First off, there's that name and the dudes aren't even Japanese (they say as much in one of the songs). Then, the two names that kept coming up in describing it were "DFA" and "Neu!". But yes, while it's music critic music of the highest order, it's surprisingly danceable stuff. And here's why (as well as the reason why I don't mind liking this): a good portion reminds me a lot of "C'mon Ride It (The Train)." Obviously, not the singing. But for whatever reason, if you think of the backing track (particularly the bass) you're part of the way there. So for all of you who picked "ten years" for the amount of time it would take the influence of Quad City DJ's to fully manifest itself in indie rock, take a bow.

Also, the subject title and some of the quotes contained herein are tributes to Kool Keith's "Sex Style"...when you're in California, here's what you need to know: don't drive anywhere near some place you recall from "The Chronic." If it's referenced on "Sex Style," however, it's likely very safe (no foolin'). Also, on my way to the gym, I pass by Fairfax High School. I wish I could go back in time to tell this to the Ian that regularly listened to "One Hot Minute"; this fact would completely blow his fucking mind.

well, i thought about the army

2006-09-23T23:32:00.000-04:00

I was ready to enlist in the Armed Forces today. It has nothing to do with patriotism, honor or boredom. Rather, I felt a strong need to defend the American way of life, because living in this nation is the absolute shit. How can I prove this? Well, just today, I wrote the first, and likely last, post that used "Chicken Noodle Soup" as a reference point for UVA football. But here's the best part: I'M GETTING PAID FOR IT. What a country.

This is the best blog ever, although this one deserves consideration.

I am utterly amazed that I was able to get Serena Maneesh tickets two hours before the show. I need to stop thinking that people rely on the internet to tell them what good music is. 97% of the people who read this blog probably don't know who Serena Maneesh is, let alone the world at large. But if you want to get familiar, read the worst album review in the history of ever, followed by a better one.

I hope everyone's as excited as I am about John L. Smith's postgame press conference. We're getting a Jim Mora-esque quote fer sure. Sparty's fucking up big time, which is about as predictable as Tom Breihan creaming himself over a bullshit Clipse freestyle. Dude should know that they're recycling lyrics from "We Got It 4 Cheap," right? Hey, maybe the reason "Hell Hath No Fury" is never coming out is because it takes a long time to make up all new fake stories about how much drugs they say they sell but don't really. And they can't cherrypick the best beats of the last five years. Face it, calling your first single "Wamp Wamp (What It Do)" and getting Slim Thug on the chorus (and you thought "Bong Bong" was lame) not only guarantees that it'll suck (it does), but it lets everyone know that you have no new ideas.

Now, let's all bask in the warm glow of a Ryan Howard-led playoff run. Currently, our best nicknames are Ryan "Scrapple Dun Dun" Howard (Philly nickname divsion) and Ryan "Prominent Dominant Islamic Asiatic Black Hebrew" Howard (RZA division)...

Six million devils has died from the bubonic flow

tears in the typing pool

2006-09-18T00:57:00.000-04:00

The Official UVA/Eagles/Phillies boycott has come early this year! And as an added bonus, Mark Stein claims that no team in the East had a worse offseason than the Sixers. UVA's problems are well-documented and boring to the average sports fan, but if I can't pimp my AOL works, who will? And by the by, I'm just getting warm with this stuff. As my comfort level grows with the Blogsmith format, we'll be back to all snark/no info in no time! In the meantime, go here and here.

Eagles...go fuck yourself. Did they have Michigan's defensive coordinator on loan in the 4th quarter? Wait a minute, that joke doesn't work in 2006 quite like it did last year.

As far as the Phillies, yes, they are still in the thick of the wild card chase. And yes, once again, a bad rash of blown saves will likely keep them on the outside looking in. The bigger issue exists with Ryan Howard. How does he not have a nickname yet? I think Dan LeBatard tried to call him "Freak Show," but Jevon Kearse is already "The Freak." And I'll be goddamned if we let Dan LeBatard get anywhere near something this important.

My brother pointed out that "Urban Legend" would be a great nickname for someone, but probably not Ryan Howard (and calling him "R-Ho" doesn't really work, so we need a real nickname). After all, Howard's apparently from one of the portions of Missouri that isn't depressingly ghetto. And moreover, why hasn't "Urban Legend" been utilized by someone on the And 1 tour? Is it because having a nickname like "Urban Legend" almost guarantees that your career will end in a nasty drug addiction or a hail of gunfire? Word to Duquesne.

But as far as Ryan Howard goes, we've got a lot to work with. He's a good-natured home run hitter who happens to check in at over two and a half bills. What works...Colossus? Gargantua? Seriously, just pull words randomly from any latter-day RZA verse and you've got yourself at least ten good options.

that's rock bottom

2006-09-16T18:20:00.000-04:00

If you look at the comments in my last post, there's a suggestion that I should use my AOL money to cop my own place and not have to deal with the problems that always arise in a roommate search. Trust me, I would...problem is, I'm not exactly getting rich off this stuff. For one thing, there's the modest per-post payment, and moreover, there's a limit to how much you can write in any given week.

Well, it's a good thing AOL instituted that second part. Because I could probably be a millionaire by Thursday. And I'd still be making $700,000 less than Al Groh.

Just to make sure that my AOL writing doesn't preempt my blog, I give to you a Sexy Results! exclusive recap of today's UVA/Western Michigan game:

Al Groh, go fuck yourself.

I think a nice, leisurely jog in the middle lane of the 405 will calm my nerves right now. Hopefully, my legal team will ensure that Groh's salary gets garnished to compensate my grieving parents.

But anyways, back to furry Kangols, Jamaican Wallabees and other signs of life...

- iTunes 7.0: gapless fucking playback.

- Sea Dog Pumpkin Ale: succeeds where so many other pumpkin ales have failed (I'm looking in your direction, Blue Moon). That jolt of cinnamon is very necessary, and if you're in Cali, you better run your ass down to Trader Joe's because it's $4.99 for a six-pack. What a country!

EDIT: If you think I'm an asshole about music, get a load of these clowns.

- And even though UVA is staring down the barrel of 1-11, how awesome is college football? I could give a fuck about Florida State and I may even actively dislike Clemson, but if your heart didn't warm every time they showed Fahmarr McElrathbey at Doak Campbell, consider yourself a dead man.

- Okay, fuck that...if you're not pulling for Army right now, consider yourself a dead man.

what you don't see is what you get

2006-09-14T22:35:00.001-04:00

Not to disappoint any of my loyal readers, but since I've been in L.A., I haven't had a whole lot of good celebrity sightings. I think I might have seen the guitarist from Incubus while killing time between meetings in Beverly Hills, but it might've been someone on his way to Bar Mitzvah lessons. Obviously, I don't plan on turning Sexy Results! into one of those "gosh, being young in the city is a real trip!" blogs. Because despite being happily spoken for, if I make any mention of the perceived difficulty of dating in a large American metropolis, someone might fuck around and give me a book deal or something.

But anyways, up until yesterday, all I really had was being stuck behind the Velvet Revolver tour bus. This is what happens when you spend the vast majority of your time finding a job in a field whose hiring process is mostly like fraternity rush and finding yourself a new apartment ten days after you moved into your first one. Simply, I got fucked in the ass by a gay dude. Since that requires no explanation, we'll just move on...

...Okay, maybe not. Anyways, my soon to be former-roommate happens to be a gay Republican (this was the first thing he mentioned to me after his name). And the best part is that he manages to overdo both aspects of it. You walk into the place and there's about twenty to thirty pictures of Dubya and Ronald Reagan, but just as many pairs of shoes. The two things he likes to listen to at full blast is modern country music and the Pussycat Dolls. And the less said about the time he spends tanning in jean shorts, the better. This may sound like a pretty unsavory setup, but the price was right and he's rarely at home. And if you're looking to live in parts of L.A. that are close to the entertainment industry, that's how you gotta roll. I can't tell you how many times I've been told how firm my handshake is while looking for places to live in West Hollywood.

And while we're on the topic, I'm not sure how to feel about the fact that most of the good apartment listings are put up by gay males who are seeking other gay males to live with. Wouldn't that be like me specifically requesting a female roommate? Yeah, you see what kind of response those ads get on Craigslist.

But anyways, I guess I shouldn't have expected things to last too long. If his offices weren't moving 45 miles from here "all of a sudden," it would probably be a couple more months before he exploded into a blinding light of self-loathing.

Thankfully, that's all taken care of, and I can get back on my hustle. Yesterday, I had myself two more interviews, which runs my current total to somewhere around the low 4,000's. The first one found me in the same waiting area as J. Peterman, which can justify the whole job search process to a Jewish family. But the second one was far more telling about how out of the loop I am. There I was, trying to treat Variety like actual literature when I see an obviously wealthy black woman wearing dark sunglasses (I also may have caught one half of "Sister Sister"). I think to myself, "wow, Foxy Brown's gained a lot of weight." Then, for the rest of my day, I hear Jay-Z saying "Fox Brown" under his breath, a la "Ain't No." I finally get brought into the interview, and on the way, the assistant says, "that's the great thing about working here. You can turn around and there's Star Jones."

So there you have it: Ian, homophobe, horrible racist. I'm turning into the guy from "Falling Down" so quickly, it's astounding.

By the way, does "Ain't No" have the most ghetto-ass production of any hip-hop smash in the last two decades? "Reasonable Doubt" is a classic, don't get me wrong. But there are definitely some parts that sound like they were recorded in a Jiffy Pop tin.

Anyways, check out your boy here and here.

coffee shop chicks and white dudes, part 3: freak-folk addition

2006-09-10T15:12:00.000-04:00

Espers- "II"

I can't say whether it's definitive or not, but just about all noteworthy musicians that came out of Philadelphia sounded like it. Bands from Marah to Dr. Dog to Hall and Oates to The Hooters have a certain blue collar appeal to them, most modern rappers (Roots, Beanie Sigel) are far more grim than their New York counterparts, and even Ween makes sense, considering their overwhelming contempt for the sum of humanity is resolutely Illadelphian.

I guess that's why I was pretty amazed when I found out that Mazarin was from Philly, considering they've done an almost flawless job of copping the Athens aesthetic. Come to Philly flipping that Wayne Coyne voice, and you'd probably get the treatment reserved for folks who rocked a Michael Irvin jersey in the Vet's 700 level. As I can tell you, Athens is pretty much diametrically opposed to Philly, and that includes the music as well. Well, I think I found an act that sounds even less like they belong in the 21-fifth.

Let's put it this way: I'd imagine that Espers doesn't have a whole lot of copycat acts waiting in the wings. In fact, they're probably the only people in Philadelphia history who wanted to make music that sounds like this. There's definitely a Led Zeppelin vibe to this, but mostly in the vein of "No Quarter" or "Battle Of Evermore," or any other joint they wrote about "Lord Of The Rings" or used an instrument that doesn't have an official English spelling. It's tough to say a band sounds like they belong at some psychedelic, drug-fueled Rennaissance Faire, but that's pretty much what it is. People smoking opium out of chalices and so forth...speaking of which...

Brightblack Morning Light- s/t

...is it still cool to get high? I know that's kind of a dumb question, but keep in mind that I've spent the last three years in law school. In Georgia. When you're very loudly announcing your weekend plans in the law library, you don't say, "YEAH, I THINK I'LL DO SOME ILLEGAL DRUGS," regardless of how tacitly pot was accepted by these folks in undergrad. Law school is an argumentative culture where everyone thinks they're right. Do you really think that these are the type of people who'd rather twist one than get blackout drunk?

So yeah, it's been a little tough adjusting to life outside of law school, mostly because it fucks with how you think of your free time. It was sort of like a job where your work could always go home with you, and there was no limit to how much time you could spend on it. Unlike a math assignment or a script reading, studying for law school is never actually finished.

That's why Finals are actually the best part of law school, and I actually feel kind of bad bitching about the actual process of taking the Bar. The cumulative effect of studying for the Bar and summarily ending any chance of having a summer that didn't blow moose cock (with the exception of one week) has its obvious drawbacks. But as for actually taking the Bar, for three days, we need to show up at 8:30 and we might get to leave by 5:15 if we're lucky. To call that overwhelmingly taxing pretty much insults everyone with a job. Okay, it requires a lot of concentration and it's pressured-packed at all points, but so is working with heavy machinery. And I seriously doubt they can beat the heat with a ninety-minute lunch break, let alone a ninety-minute lunch break spent in an air-conditioned hotel room watching ESPN Classic with no pants on.

In case you're wondering, at the time, they were showing the 1999 Michigan/Penn State game. The most stunning thing about it was how adept ABC announcers already were at sucking Tom Brady's dick.

In the end, I still find it incredibly strange that regardless of how much money some of my friends are making and how busy they are when they're at work, they can justify spending an entire Sunday drinking Coors Light and watching the World Cup because they have no work to do at the current moment. It's hard to believe that the vast majority of people in this world have times in their day where work is officially done. And now I'm one of them.

So really, it's pretty amazing that I like this album considering that it couldn't be more blatantly obvious that you should be off that purp when listening to it. Total stony groove for an hour, brah. I'm told if you buy the actual CD, it comes with 3-D glasses. And just look at these cats; they make Devendra look like a dude who drives an SUV, which I kinda always thought was the truth anyways. Don't ask me why.

Impervious to "Brokeback Morning Light" jokes because they've spent the past five years literally living under a rock

Joanna Newsom- "Ys"

Eminem was right: what ever happened to catchin' a good old-fashioned passionate ass whooping? The battle to control ADD is presumed to be a two-horse race between medication and letting your children run wild and free, but there's always been a viable third alternative.

Sexy Results! doesn't advocate violence against women, but "Ys" is seriously an album that should cut that shit out before it gets backhanded. You'll recall that Joanna Newsom is related to the mayor of San Francisco, the dude who hands out those gay marriage licenses that aren't worth the paper they're written on. I'd imagine the Newsom clans ran a pretty liberal household back in the day; you just know that after they had some wild key party, they'd call Joanna in to read some essay about zebras she wrote for her 4th grade teacher at the Montessori school. This shit would go on for hours and they'd be too coked up to do anything but stare into space and think she was brilliant.

Ah, 2004...Back then I didn't really feel any obligation to check out critically acclaimed acts if I thought I wouldn't be into that shit on the basis of a couple of reviews. I tend to have a pretty tenuous like of freak-folk to begin with, and just about all accounts of "The Milk Eyed Mender" implied that Joanna Newsom was some sort of banshee that made you wish you were deaf. I could make fun of her without any sort of repercussion, mostly because I wasn't a legitimate music writer and partly because no one who read me back in the day knows who Joanna Newsom is.

But nowadays, I have to know my enemies, so once "Ys" leaked, I had to hear it for myself. It's about the closest thing possible to musical "Fear Factor"; this thing clocks in at 5 songs, 55 minutes. Let that sink in for a second.

In actuality, her voice isn't as bad as I thought it would be. The chick from Deerhoof or Mu is the gold standard for unlistenability, so really, it's not that bad to do an impression of an overwrought Bjork trying to remake "Astral Weeks" with nothing but Disney incidental music and Kate Bush's worst unicorn fantasies. But the problem is, about halfway through each track (which is like, the FIVE MINUTE MARK), you have to shake yourself out of this harp-induced haze and ask yourself, "what the fuck is she talking about?" I can't think of any reason to give this the time it thinks it deserves.

Grizzly Bear- "Yellow House"

I heard the initial hype about this album and didn't really bother, mostly because I thought it was another solo project from the dudes in Animal Collective (I was thinking of Panda Bear...seriously, using an animal in your indie band name is like using a despot's name in hip-hop). Sounds promising after the first few spins, but it'll take a while to say whether it's the real deal.

EDIT: This is really good stuff. No joke.

Akron/Family- "Meek Warrior"

It's probably a bad idea to keep bringing up "Animal Collective" and "freak-folk" as if they're things that 98% of America has actually heard of. Of course, the people who have probably overlap with the .00001 or less of Americans who read this blog. I haven't given this a whole lot of listens, but from what I can tell, when it's good, it sounds like the more song-based AC stuff. And when it isn't, it sounds like BAD Animal Collective, which is to say, old Animal Collective. Consider yourself lucky if you hopped on after "Sung Tongs."

But really, you're a band called Akron/Family and you're naming your album "Meek Warrior"...do people play in bands to get laid anymore? Or do they just figure Conor Oberst is fucking every eligible indie chick and it's just not worth the hassle?

Danielson- "Ships"

Is it just me, or did these guys get hyped for five seconds and then completely fell off the face of the blog earth? If that's the case, it deserves better, because while it kind of gets a little tedious towards the end, this is pretty good stuff.

Yes, the dude's voice is probably a dealbreaker. You think you've heard yelpy indie boy stuff, and then you get a load of Danielson. It sort of fits in with the whole celebratory vibe that's going on. The reason I avoided them in the past was best summed up by a joke that I can't remember the source of:

Q: What's the difference between the Danielson Famile and the Hare Krishnas?
A: The Hare Krishnas have better music

So yeah, I don't have much of a yen to check his back catalog, but "Ships" is surprisingly accessible, perhaps the most out of this list. Might be stretching to put it in my Top 20, but it's in "others receiving votes" for sure.

Young Buck- "Welcome To The Traphouse"

Though operating on the fringe of freak-folk, this album deserves mention because I thought the most unlistenable album of the year would come from one of the above. I'm not sure if you've ever heard a Gangsta Grillz mixtape...wait, if you're not an internet music critic, you've never heard a Gangsta Grillz mixtape. But you seriously have to check this one out. Not because, as some have said, that Young Buck is the best southern rapper out there, but because you need to come face to face with everything that is wrong with hip-hop (best summed up in the heartbreaking "South Ain't Lyrical"). Moreso than Yung Joc. Moreso than Rick Ross. Moreso than UGK getting more shine than Goodie Mob and anything written about Three Six Mafia that fails to mention that Gangsta Boo was probably their best MC and every album they've made since "When The Smoke Clears" has been far worse than what preceded it. By the way, do you think we're gonna reach a point where Project Pat has more Murda Dog cover stories than Michael Jordan did with SI?

You get the topical scope you'd expect from a southern rapper combined with the plastic thuggery of G-Unit, and ran through the DJ Drama filter of anonymous beats and yelling (you might know DJ Drama as that dude in the "Front Back" video that WON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP). Every single word on this album is about crack, guns, bitches and money and treated with the creativity that only a guy who names himself "Young Buck" could provide. Quite possibly the most worthless 70 minutes of music ever put to tape. Listening to this makes me wonder if I've already heard every rapper that I'll ever like.

in a world of human wreckage

2006-09-09T18:49:00.000-04:00

Looks like AOL's not getting their "Al Groh's 9/11" article after all. Now meet the guy who can get any slice of ass in Charlottesville he so chooses...better live it up before you head back to Laramie, Aric.

Pretty bitches got my number, y'all can dial me

Seriously, I didn't know Wyoming had a ZBT chapter. And this is too good...I love the internet all the time.

coffee shop chicks and white dudes, part 2

2006-09-05T15:10:00.000-04:00

The Stills- "Without Feathers"

Remember when U2 helped us all get through 9/11? I'm not sure how that ever happened. Okay, I do know how it happened, but I'd prefer it didn't. I've talked about how U2's greatest strength is that they can write songs that are about anything its listener wants them to be, but at the time, the newly relevant "Beautiful Day" and "Walk On" sounded like bullshit Up With People sloganeering that pandered every bit as much as Lee Greenwood. I liked "Beautiful Day" a lot more as a return to form for U2 as opposed to an anthem of national rejuvenation.

The month or so after it happened was pretty much the embodiment of Thom Yorke's line of "let down and hanging around/crushed like a bug in the ground." You fretted about the state of the world and whether World War III was around the corner, but there was also the matter of finding dates and getting drunk and just trying to get back to normal even though the world was shit. Not to sound like a callous asshole, but we eventually had to go back to classes and deal with being seniors in college. I'm not trying to overstate the importance of "Logic Will Break Your Heart," but I think no album has done a better job of capturing how that felt. It's not depressing so much as it is...dejected. Dejected about politics, about socialization, about gender relations, about everything. Dejected. That's the word I was going for. Plus, it's a pretty good treasure trove for blog post titles (I don't I've used "stumbled out of the nightclub thinking 'animals and insects don't do drugs'" yet, but I probably should've).

The problem is that they were branded as Interpol imitators and weren't really taken seriously, even though they're only alike in the decade that they reference. The Stills weren't as interested in creating atmosphere as Interpol was; "Logic" is essentially 12 singles masquerading as an album, held together by '80s touchstones like kinda-dance beats, synth sheen and reverbed guitar lines. It got hated on in some corners, but fuck 'em. It wasn't exactly original and it leand on the gloss a bit, but duh, that's what I'm looking for here. It sure beat the shit out of Editors.

But nearly half the band turned over, and they took a road similar to the accused 80's swagger jackers Black Rebel Motorcycle Club: they made a "roots" album. To be fair, it's not quite as whole hog as "Howl"; there's no raw acoustic blues or slide guitar hoedowns, but the synth strings have turned into Wurlitzer riffs, the kind that always remind me of the video for "One Headlight" for whatever reason. It's all pleasant enough and certainly not worth the bashing it's received, but let's be real: this has been done a lot better and the Stills aren't playing to their strengths. Their greatest virtue was the ability to sound elegantly wasted, but now it seems like a lot of forced happiness. U2-style forced happiness.

Bob Dylan- "Modern Times"

From the way All Music Guide tells it, Bob Dylan spent the better part of the '80s releasing albums that ranged from mediocre to flat out bad. But here's what I wonder- after the critical acclaim that "Time Out Of Mind" and "Love And Theft" were met with, if he put out something that was '80s-level quality, would anyone notice?

I'm not the most astute Dylan historian, so forgive me if I think that "Modern Times" is, well, pretty boring and more of an obligation to listen to than something to be enjoyed. Why he felt the need to write a song about Alicia Keys is beyond me, but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to get out of him croaking through a lot of (let's face it) reworked blues tunes with almost no hint of energy. Just about every song here is about two minutes longer than it needs to be, which follows in the odd trend of old farts making very, very long albums. Was there any particular reason that the Rolling Stones need to make albums that are as long as "Exile On Main Street"? How is it that every Aerosmith song feels the need to be five minutes long? Does Diane Warren really have that much to say?

It's sort of like that Ali Farka Toure album that no one would possibly give a bad review to (he's from Mali AND recently deceased), something tells me that I'm not that into it because I don't meet some sort of vague qualification to evaluate it. I know this probably isn't the case, but what if this Toure guy is actually considered to be the Mali answer to latter day Paul McCartney and none of us knew any better? Is the language barrier that much of a hurdle? I dunno, considering I like both Sigur Ros and Interpol. Likewise, "Modern Times" makes me feel like I'm missing something, even though it shouldn't.

The Walkmen- "A Hundred Miles Off"

Stylus writer Derek Miller said that "The Rat" was the worst thing to happen to the Walkmen, and I see where he's coming from. They obviously aren't a singles band, and maybe people had misguided expectations once they decided to delve in further.

The problem is, this logic assumes that liking "The Rat" and "Bows & Arrows" is mutually exclusive, which it so isn't. While most of their output doesn't follow in its lead, songs like "The Rat" and "Little House Of Savages" and "Thinking Of A Dream I Had" were crucial to that album having a sense of urgency and immediacy. They were the payoff to the tension that the Walkmen developed on the slower numbers of the album. Without them, "Bows & Arrows" would probably collapse into a vaporous mist of tinfoil guitar chords and self-indulgent moaning.

Or it might sound like "A Hundred Miles Off," which can never seem to shake off its sluggishness. The horns on "Louisiana" are nice enough, but there's too much drunken NYC shambling and not enough of the celebration that led to it (save for the bizarre proto-hardcore of "Tenleytown"). I'm not keen on this album for the same reason I don't eat at Denny's: what's the point of feeling like you're hungover if you didn't even get to party? And if you're wondering why I even considered eating at Denny's, well, those are the deranged thoughts that go through one's mind when they've eaten Wendy's salads twice a day for nearly a week. And if you're wondering why I did that, your answer is that your only other options to eat quickly and cheaply during the California Bar consists of Denny's, Yoshinoya and In N Out Burger. And did I mention that you have to walk fifteen minutes each way in 105 degree weather? I'm pretty sure no one ate as fastidiously as I did, so I can go ahead and declare, Ontario, California: the swampass capital of the U.S. and A.

Speaking of Ontario, it's places like that where you realize how inevitable Paul Wall's success was. Not because Paul Wall is an undeniable talent, but because a lot of people find him easy to relate to. And they relate to him not because they do nothing but post up in the parking lot all day, but because they identify with him on the most base level possible: spend any time in a city that's over an hour from a major metro center and you'll see at least a dozen people who look exactly like Paul Wall and have done so for the last decade (even when he rocked this look. Scroll down and prepare to be shocked). If he didn't blow up, it'd be any of the countless people who work in the pager kiosk in the mall and were just a little too into No Limit side projects in high school.

Where was I? Oh yes, sippin' on Cristal with fingers up your bitch's dress. It's actually a damn shame that the only memorable song here is a drunken karaoke rendering of "Another One Goes By" that sounds like Dylan on that kryptonite. A shame because it'll get heard by far more people than the original, which was on a ridiculously slept-on album that came out LAST YEAR. In terms of putting out albums that I like to listen to, the Walkmen are batting 33%, and it took "Bows & Arrows" some time to give them that average. I could come back around to this some day, but I don't know how tempted I'll be. Keep it up and they might end with the ranks of...

French Kicks- "Two Thousand"/Radio 4- "Enemies Like This"

...these guys, who don't have much in common with the Walkmen except being from New York. But after numerous half-hearted stabs at giving a shit about them, I decided that with fully Sendspaced albums of theirs, I'd give it one last shot while they still had a tenuous grip on relevance. But they'd better knock me on my ass and they'd better make it quick. I'll let you guess what happened.

The Roots- "Game Theory"

Don't act like they don't belong here. Anyways, many people (myself included) like to bitch about music sites and magazines not being the way they used to be (which was inevitably better than the way they are now). What I often have to step back and remind myself is that these places turn over incredibly quickly. I'm looking at the Stylus Top 50 of the 2000's list that came out at the beginning of 2005, and almost none of these guys are still around.

"Game Theory" proves this fact of internet life rather definitively. Back when it came out to near unanimous praise in 2002, I wondered if anyone else saw "Phrenology" the way I did: as a soulless, condescending platter of granola rap engineered for people who:

A: give brownie points for tacking on six minutes of weak electronica to an end of a track regardless of whether it was actually, y'know, fun to listen to (face facts: "Water" beat "Less Than You Think" to the punch by two years)

B: give brownie points for tacking on pointless spoken word bits from known racists regardless of whether it was actually, y'know, fun to listen to

C: are so enamored by black people playing guitars that they think a song with the chorus of "I push my seed in her bush tonight" is actually, y'know, fun to listen to (I FUCKING HATE "THE SEED 2.0")

D: don't like rap music

"Phrenology" was pretty much the embodiment of ?uestlove's persona, a guy whose heart's ostensibly in the right place and comes off as a big teddy bear, but is more likely a pretentious snob who has nothing but disdain for his white audience.

Turns out more than a few people agree with me, since just about every review of "Game Theory" I've seen is written from the perspective of a jaded Roots fan (is there any other kind?). I guess it proves that the best thing to happen to the Roots was "Electric Circus." "Phrenology" is every bit as odious of a platter of alterna-rap and would've been the go-to guy when making fun of hip-hop gone hippie, but "Electric Circus" was an easier target. Though more "interesting," it's essentially Common thinking that he could create a track-for-track ripoff of "Aquemini" solely based on the fact that he also boned Erykah Badu. Granted, the way Andre 3000's going, his attempt at making "Chonkyfire" might've sounded like "Electric Wire Hustle Flower" in 2003.

In the end, "Game Theory" is the strongest Roots album I've ever heard. The opinion that Black Thought is technically sound but ultimately devoid of personality is so widely held, it's nearly regarded as fact (another fact: this should also be the case with T.I.). That won't change here, but oddly enough, their least "alt" album is enjoyable in almost the same way TV On The Radio is. Which is funny because there are probably dozens of music magazine editors who put either the Roots or TV On The Radio on the cover of their last issue and won't be able to remember who it was by looking at the thing.

Anyways, "Game Theory," like "Return To Cookie Mountain," is dark, dense and sonically diverse. The lyrics are solid, but you don't need to pay close attention to them. It's song-oriented, but not locked into bars and hooks. And while it goes all over the map and lets some tracks run their natural course, it's all wrapped us as a tight, filler-free package.

I must remark on the music; Roots albums have been given a free pass for too long due to their live prowess, even though a lot of it was just milky Fender Rhodes quiet storm. Here, and I can't stress the importance of this, ?uestlove's drums actually have some thwack. It's not "Tear Da Club Up," but "Game Theory" actually bangs at points, which I couldn't say of the ridonkulously overrated "Things Fall Apart." It's good and all that, but it's too long, too much rapping about rapping, too smooth jazz and nearly every guest blows Black Thought out of the water (Mos Def, Common, and Beanie Sigel pretty much owns the album). I just hope that everyone impressed with the fact that the Roots named an album after a book realized that Trent Reznor did the same exact thing a couple years later.

coffee shop chicks and white dudes

2006-09-04T15:41:00.000-04:00

During the time in between finishing the Bar and flying back out to California, I spent a week at home exploring one of the awesomer shopping centers in my neighborhood; Best Buy, Barnes & Noble, plus Guitar Center...what else do you need? Well, for one thing, you need a DSW. What, you think someone like me can buy shoes at regular price? Particularly when I needed something that screams "rich asshole" regardless of whether or not either of those words apply to me? Anyways, in a trend that seems to be sweeping the discount store industry, their soundtrack skewed just a pinch towards TEH INDIE. For example, I went to Staples a few weeks back and heard a heretofore-unimaginable segue from Al Green to Pinback to Kelly Clarkson. I can say without any sarcasm whatsoever that it was fucking seamless.

But at DSW, why was I hearing deep cuts from "Plans" ("Your Heart Is An Empty Room," to be exact), which is one of the saddest albums I've ever heard? Does that inspire shoe shopping? Not really. But it flowed quite naturally into the next song played, Toad The Wet Sprocket's "All I Want."

Among the problems I pointed out in my rumored-to-be-pointless previous post is that while female R&B songs tend to pass muster without much analysis, well-crafted, melodic white boy rock in the vein of R.E.M. never gets any respect outside of Byron Crawford's site. Perhaps it's not pushing the envelope all that much sonically, but if you don't think there's a million Annies in Sweden as we speak, you're fooling yourself. You know what? I like "All I Want," and when I thought about it, I like "Plans" a good amount too. Really, what I feel is missing from my life most of the time is just a solid batch of melodic rock music that I can safely recommend to anybody. Rogue Wave's "Descended Like Vultures" and The Clientele's "Strange Geometry" might not have been groundbreaking albums, but thus far in 2006, I have yet to hear anything that really goes pound-for-pound with them.

But it's not like I haven't tried. So here, I offer The Great White Music Roundup of 2006...

Guster- "Ganging Up On The Sun"

If you were to cull together a survey that asked about the stereotypes attributed to the average Guster fan, you'd probably come up with a composite sketch of my first-year roommate. He was a gangly dude whose family moved from Maine to Minnesota during the year. In a shocking turn of events, he turned out to be white. He had about five Dave Matthews Band posters on his side of the room, and he played "Iris" so much on Winamp that I literally had to make a rule restricting him to twice a day when I was within earshot. That might sound like an asshole move on my part, but I was willing to give him two spins. That's pretty fucking generous.

And oh yeah, he also loved Guster. As a budding music snob, for the aforementioned reasons, I decided that I probably did not.

Like a lot of regional, associate Dave Matthews Bands (think O.A.R., Agents Of Good Roots, etc.), you've probably heard of Guster, but a lot of times, someone makes up your mind for you in regards to them. But eight years is usually a good amount of time to rid yourself of the bullshit biases you come into college with. This usually coincides with the purchase of "Workingman's Dead." And just in time, Guster's new album has been getting a lot of rave reviews, signifying that they're breaking out of their college rock ghetto and into straight up pop territory. I wonder if these are the same people who rode for the cause of Nada Surf's "Let Go," because to me, this is pretty much the same thing: a kinda OK, mostly acoustic pop-rock album that's only impressive if you were pretty sure that they suck in a major way.

It's inoffensive and all that, but nothing really grabs me. I think the fourth song says something about going back to the high-school dance so they can get in someone's pants, but I kinda tune out after that, figuring that they're going for a sweet piece of that John Mayer money. Speaking of which, let's take some time to talk about the fact that Johnboy is fucking Jessica Simpson. I think it's pretty awesome, because it kinda confirms that this guy's entire life was a concentrated effort to one day fuck Jessica Simpson.

I try to be wary of viewing an artist's music through the prism of a deplorable public persona (R. Kelly, Conor Oberst, Ryan Adams). I think with John Mayer, you shouldn't let his persona be viewed through the prism of his deplorable music. I think he's a lot smarter than people give him credit for and I kind of admire him in a weird way. While "Your Body Is A Wonderland" is certainly a favorite song of people with no souls, that's kinda the point. It's probably the most intentionally insincere hit song since "The One I Love," even though I have no way of proving it. Yes, I've been in cars where I've been forced to listen to "Room For Squares" and even "Heavier Things" from start to finish. I have also been in a car where I had to listen to a Mr. Mister album in its entirety. I'm trying to decide what's worse.

But I think that John Mayer has been pretty much aware from the jump that he makes disposable college dorm fodder and that he'll never be taken seriously as an artiste. In essence, Mayer is likely some guy who is taking full advantage of being a popular recording artist, and really, you can't hold it against him when you consider how someone like Kanye is taking full advantage of being a popular recording artist. As for the Blind Lemon Mayer thing, I'm pretty sure he has absolutely no desire to be critically acclaimed. This whole Buddy Guy thing is most likely just a dude taking advantage of the fact that he can make an album with someone he absolutely idolizes. Or Buddy Guy having excessive upcoming legal expenses he needs to take care of.

And he's also banging every celebrity he gets a chance at. I used to think that Smash Mouth or Hootie and the Blowfish was the 21st century Huey Lewis and the News, but maybe John Mayer's the 21st century Huey Lewis. Scoff at the music if you want, but Huey Lewis must be proud that his enduring legacy is a rumor that he has an enormous wang. You don't have that kind of stuff surface if you haven't ran through an obscene amount of groupies in your time. This is not to pontificate on what Mayer's packing. But at the end of the day, I think we're more likely to remember John Mayer not as someone who made terrible albums, but as someone who boned a lot of famous women that were far out of his league (this is particularly true as these days he looks even more like Michael Ruppersburg's body double). It's about time that someone realized that being the new Huey Lewis is nothing to apologize for.

Back to Guster, they're not college rock anymore, I guess. They're post-collegiate, but only in that "owning a Camry really makes sense" way.

I think the funniest part about my first-year roommate was that he used to tell people that if we didn't live together, we'd be good friends. I found this hysterical, especially since we didn't speak for most of the last semester since he went around spreading rumors about me and my then-girlfriend, who I later found out dissed his ass earlier that year.

Of course we wouldn't have been friends. We were just into different stuff; he liked to chat on IM all day with people who lived no more than six feet above him. He liked to get drunk once every two months and vomit all over the room because he couldn't handle his booze. He liked to hook up with fat chicks, and not even fat chicks who were fun to talk to. I had to teach him how to put on a tie. And he was into Guster. I'm sure lots of people will tell me I'm listening to the wrong stuff, but on the evidence of this album, I'm pretty sure I'm not into Guster.

White Whale- "WWI"

It's possible we haven't heard from Ween in the past three years because they've spent the entirety of it listening to the Decemberists and laughing their ass off. When they made "The Mollusk," they predicted, perfected and parodied seafaring twee-prog all in one fell swoop. And judging from the indie landscape in 2006, most bands took it as inspiration rather than an indictment. What the fuck- can't someone write songs about ninjas or Vikings?

White Whale isn't exactly novel anymore, but they get by because even if the songs were about something other than nautical adventure, they'd still be pretty good. Although they'd probably be better if they were about something other than nautical adventure.

If the album cover looks like the a mashup between "The Mollusk" and "Funeral," there's a good reason: that's pretty much what it sounds like. Okay, they're not touching the cathartic power of Arcade Fire, but they work within the same production sound; big, reverbed drums, massed chorales, etc. And it's not touching the irreverence of "The Mollusk," but it's got the chintzy keyboards and it isn't afraid to drift a little.

These guys have potential and if you're a fan of Merge Records, you'll probably be into it. Hopefully, these guys will get laid on tour and loosen up a bit. Then again, they do feature ex-members of the Get Up Kids...

Working Title- "About-Face"

In his review of the new Keane album, Stylus writer Nick Southall said that U2 is now the most influential band on the planet. I can't really agree with that. The Fab Four cast a net so wide that "Beatlesque" has been a hopelessly vague adjective for four decades and running. On the other hand, U2 still denotes rather definitive guidelines, such as those single-note guitar leads, mild tempos and a sort of non-denominational spirituality. However, U2 might be branching out as an influence; throw some vague CCM leanings, and you've got Switchfoot, and now Working Title.

Working Title sounds pleasant enough, but like the Guster album, it's melodic but not really memorable. It blows yet another opportunity for South Carolina to have a decent band come out of it. Plus, the lead singer is one of those white dudes who's trying to shift the falsetto paradigm from "Prince-inspired" to the John Mayer-ish one where it sounds like he's trying to lift a piano without using his legs.

While they are on a major label, it seems most likely that their A&R got fired or it's one of the proverbial "nine duds out of ten" that get recouped by the sales of T.I. or something. The only real use this album has is to fool unsuspecting freshman into thinking their bland sorority crush might be into an obscure indie band.

Guillemots- "Behind The Window Pane"

This is about as close as Stylus has gotten to giving a band the Pitchfork-stylee full-court press of promotion. But as far as I'm concerned, this is the kind of maudlin, heavily-orchestrated Brit-pop stuff you should be into if you find that Rufus Wainwright is too much of a balls-out rock beserker.

Mountain Goats- "Get Lonely"

As much as I rag on that other site, I gotta give 'em credit when they get it right; the first album this brought to mind was "A Grand Don't Come For Free." It couldn't be more diametrically opposed to it in a sonic sense, but they really seem too intimate to qualify as music.

I'll be honest: "The Sunset Tree" was the first Mountain Goats album I listened to, and while the lyrics were gut-wrenching and fantastic, it was also-well produced and full of memorable hooks. The Mountain Goats calling an album "Get Lonely" is like Clipse calling their new joint "Sell Drugs"; by being that obvious about something they're already stereotyped about, you know they're gonna tackle that topic with full force. And by the way, Clipse are aware of the fact that the rest of "Hell Hath No Fury" is "like a woman scorned," right?

Anyways, John Darnielle and his mans an' 'em seek to put you in the sonic equivalent of a Sunday afternoon where you're too hungover to do much else besides flip through old copies of Sports Illustrated or whatever. I appreciate the "tasteful" arrangements and I appreciate that I won't be able to relate since I haven't been dumped in about two and a half years. Obviously, this is a "grower," but it's kind of hard to justify putting the work in to appreciate this album when the end result is to become very, very depressed. I have to watch every Virginia football game this year, so I'm covered on that front.

Girl Talk- "Night Ripper"

The first time I listened to this was about a month ago. I thought it was easily one of the best albums of the year. I listened to it twice in the next three days and decided that I never wanted to listen to it again. I've kept my word.

I'm sure you've heard of this by now. In essence, a good portion of End of the Year lists will be populated by a variation of those MTV Party To Go! mixes. Not surprising, considering that grown men on the Stylus board are going apeshit over a Juelz Santana/Lil' Wayne mixtape and treating the newly leaked Justin Timberlake album like the Dead Sea Scrolls.

Basically, this isn't so much an album as it is a Facebook profile come to life. A lot of times, it takes the most noxious hip-hop verses of recent vintage and makes it OK for white people to like them because it's laid over the beats from their 120 Minutes faves. And while it's cool to listen to this the first time through in rapt anticipation of what sample will come next, the difference between the initial and subsequent listens is like going to a Bar Mitzvah and then trying to watch a video of it.

The problem is that as a mix/sample-based album, it fails. The beat matching can be very off at points; okay, you can lay the vocals of "I Ain't Heard Of That" over "Wonderwall," but neither is improved, nor do they coalesce. It's just some dude who wants you to be impressed that he likes hip-hop AND '90s indie. This kind of stuff happens all the time, and it hardly ever changes tempo or mood. Look, if you were embarassed to shout out shit like "wait til you see my dick" or "we gettin' money over here! What it do pimpin!", there's a good fucking reason. And none of it is changed by the fact that you put it to the strings from "Bittersweet Symphony."

Xiu Xiu- "The Air Force"

I actually liked "Fabulous Muscles." Okay, more specifically I liked about four songs and they're the four songs that people who aren't into Xiu Xiu tend to be into (the first three, "Clowne Towne"). But was it worth it? Since then, I've tried their older stuff (un-fucking-listenable) and given their new albums a couple of tries. Problem is, they've dropped the melodic shit completely and focused more on that mumbly, glacier-paced shit they made their name on. I don't even know why I'd give this a second chance. The only thing Xiu Xiu's got going for them is that they don't suck as bad as Deerhoof.

Asobi Seksu- "Citrus"

This year's Serena Maneesh; meaning that it's really outstanding shoegaze-based music made by a band that makes me feel like a dick every time I say their name. "Oh, I'm really digging the new Asobi Seksu"...how can that not make you sound like a pretentious twat?

But this is well worth your time, and I'd recommend actually paying for it, since the guitarist sounds like he maxed out his credit card on guitar pedals. I'm not sure that they'd work out as an acoustic act, so do your part!

The funny thing is, even though it's called "shoegaze" in every review I've seen of it, that could be the least accurate term possible to describe it. Yes, it cribs a lot from "Isn't Anything," but it's all very zero-gravity stuff that sounds like the kind of album you'd take along with you on a handgliding expedition.

Clinic- "Visitations"

And with this, the countdown begins to the other Ian writing a comment defending these guys. Don't believe him; although I don't think "Internal Wrangler" is as good as everyone else does, it's probably the only album of theirs you'll need because they've made the same thing three more times.

The Mars Volta- "Amputechture"

My biggest problem with music criticism is the insincerity I find inherent in so much of it, so I actually kinda find these guys to be refreshing. Because when someone tells you they like Mars Volta, you can be damn sure they're telling the truth. I can't think of any reason to lie about being a Mars Volta fan. It's not even "so uncool, it's cool" or so overtly popular that indie kids will dig it just to show they can play both sides of the fence. You ride for Beyonce's cause, and you align yourself with sorority girls and whatnot. As for the Mars Volta, I don't even want to know.

That being said, this album is a complete fucking pile. If nothing else, these guys have gone further off the deep end. Did a 16-minute song called "Tetragrammaton" really ever have a chance to not suck? There's even more widdly-widdly, light gauge thrashing and Cedric (or is it Omar?) is making it quite clear that no one could have liked At The Drive-In for the lyrics (I'm guessing this applies when he flips the Latin lingo too). I'm not really one to judge, since I did happen to own a Dream Theater tablature book some time during my teens. But that was clearly made for the Yngwie set. Who exactly is a Mars Volta fan? Who has the time and/or the drugs to invest in this (and I'd imagine music this manic and loud would be terrible to get high to)? People might try to say that these guys are the new Rush, but shit, even Rush had "Tom Sawyer" and "Fly By Night." And I'm guessing Rush knew better than to start just about every song with free-time, double-guitar solos.

And that album cover looks like the Thailand backdrop from Street Fighter II.

More later, maybe...

this is the way, step inside

2006-09-03T02:21:00.000-04:00

There are many folks who will be more than happy to school you on the influence of Joy Division on popular music. Without them, there's no Interpol, there's no She Wants Revenge, there's no highly respected singers named Ian C., etc.

But in actuality, they're just as influential in terms of inspiring college football bloggers. Because what was "Closer" except a clearinghouse for neat little phrases to toss out there when your favorite squadron gets its asses handed it to it? I mean, "Atrocity Exhibition"...does it get better than that? God knows I'll need it this year.

I'm ashamed of the things I've been put through. I'm ashamed of the person I am.

i could not get through september without a battle

2006-09-02T18:08:00.000-04:00

Once again, life interferes...Mostly because AOL's gonna start paying me to write about Virginia football.

In the meantime, check out what I wrote here. It's not really ready for public consumption yet, but I'll let you know when I'm all up in it.

Prediction? Well, I've been here before when it comes to season openers. 2000 vs. BYU: loss. 2001 vs. Wisconsin: loss. 2002 vs. Colorado State: loss. In essence, the odds aren't good when UVA plays a borderline top-25 team to set things off. Throw in the fact that we've got a new QB, a mostly new OL and most imporantly, Al Groh hasn't proven he can win on the road, I don't like the look of it. Plus, you know Pitt's been stewing for the past three years over losing in the Tire Bowl. That's blood on blood war right there.

Pitt 34 UVA 20

Oh, and the Phils might need to consider some solution to their bullpen woes that isn't "crusty ol' black guy who might've been a Rated Rookie at one point." I better not see Heathcliff Slocumb out there. And don't bother looking up Lee Smith's number. He's on vacation for a while.

just to get a rep

2006-08-24T02:08:00.000-04:00

Unbeknownst to most people, for the past couple of weeks, I've been living in a sublet in Westwood with two other girls who just graduated from UCLA. Obviously, people want to know what that's all about. Well, you take what you can get when your sales pitch is "look, I need a place to live until the end of the month...I'll give you $600 in cash on the spot. We got a deal?"

It's really not all that strange. As a matter of fact, it's a little like being at a dentist's office: all I'll remember is the shitty music and the copies of People magazine strewn all over the place. Sure, we laugh at the girls in college who had that little CD rack that always contained the Doors' Greatest Hits and something from Vertical Horizon. But rare are the times when you can see a CD folder that includes Savage Garden, Norah Jones and Shawn Mullins all in a row. I guess Coldplay was a little too edgy for her blood. But she does own a Jurassic 5 disc.

Speaking of specifically-undergrad taste in music, I guess most colleges should probably make September 12th a holiday. Not to commemorate the five-year anniversary of 9/11, but because September 12th will see the release of new studio albums by the following people:

Barenaked Ladies
Shawn Colvin
Everclear
Ben Kweller
Mars Volta
John Mayer
Bob Seger
Justin Timberlake

Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, the soundtrack to all of your awkward freshman dorm room hookups in 2006. Well, maybe not Mars Volta. I bet some asshole prog kid is gonna force his friends to listen to their new jam instead of "Legend" when they toke up.

Of course, that's not counting Junior Boys, TV On The Radio, Xiu Xiu, Yo La Tengo, The Rapture, Now It's Overhead, DJ Shadow, Magnolia Electric Co., Black Keys, Basement Jaxx and the only album I get to review for that week, Album Leaf. Ladies and gentlemen, Hell Week for the editors of Stylus Magazine.

But back to what I was originally talking about, the main difference between living with guys and living with females is the omnipresence of People instead of something like Maxim or Men's Health. At some point before I got here, four girls were living in this apartment simultaneously, and it's quite possible that they all have subscriptions, since I find it hard to believe that the same two-week old joint with Lance Bass on the cover popping up in every place I need to be is the same one. I love that cover story: "I'm Gay." Mostly because it reminds me of my favorite song title of the year, courtesy of T.I.: "I'm Straight." And by the way, I haven't had the time to keep up with DipSetMixtapes.com...has Killa Cam rhymed "Lance Bass" with "man's ass" yet?

Of course, I'll be tempted to leaf through it every now and again, and I'm glad I do. For one thing, the letters are astonishing. Most parents aren't teaching their kids to read or that mayonnaise is not to be used as toothpaste, but they find the time to write in to People about how happy they are that Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman found true love.

But it's more because you'll occasionally see some colossally awesome quotes. This might be better than Jim Jones saying "that shit ain't right what he be wearing";

I'm inspired by the '20s, '30s and '40s- those were feel-good periods.

- Christina Aguilera on an outfit she was rocking at the time

Say word! Maybe she should talk to DJ Premier about what it was like to grow up back then.

play the charts like the beatles

2006-08-21T16:48:00.000-04:00

A decent thread started on the Stylus message board as to what's been the defining song of the summer of 2006; for the most part, we've come down to "Promiscuous" and "Crazy." Me personally, I'd probably have to go with "Crazy," because I can't think of too many places I've been where I haven't heard it. Electronics stores, blaring out of fraternity house windows, car stereos, MTV, VH1, you name it.

Obviously, this bothers me a lot. Not so much because Gnarls Barkley is little more than a blacker version of Postal Service. Moreso because people who otherwise aren't into music are saying the name "Gnarls Barkley" far more than they should. Say what you will about Pearl Jam, but the two things I respect about them the most is that a: they had a good enough sense of humor to go by the name "Mookie Blaylock" at one point and b: they had the good sense to change it.

But the bigger problem is that you look at those two songs and go, "that's it?" It's like with "Feel Good, Inc." from last year; nice song and all that, but lacks an amount of cultural force that a definitive song should have. Even the "Whisper Song" was galvanizing in some aspect. I don't even think I've heard "Promiscuous" all the way through. I've seen the video a few times and I've noticed two things: first, that Timbaland is rocking that inflatable muscle suit from "Gimme Some Mo'" and that Nelly Furtado's really fucking hot for a 50-year old. Beyond that, I sorta lose interest.

Actually, the most intriguing release of the summer is Paris Hilton's "Stars Are Blind" as well as her forthcoming album, "Paris," which got reviewed up at Stylus. It's a great pop culture phenomenon, but the problem is, it doesn't quite go far enough when it comes to answering the questions I want answered. It makes me think back to "Joe Millionaire." Yes, it was a show based on the blatantly misogynistic premise that dating is socially accepted prostitution. But Joe was still a former underwear model who was 6'5" or something, had a full head of hair and worked in construction. Even if he didn't have two nickels to rub together, it's not inconceivable that women would still want to fuck him. I mean, how cliche is the whole "gold-digger marries a wealthy business exec and ends up fucking the Mexican cabana boy while he's at work" thing? If this show really wanted to make a point, Joe Millionaire would look like one of the Van Gundys.

Likewise, "Paris" is based on the misanthropic premise that people are really fucking stupid. Why anyone would want to hear it for a reason other than curiosity is beyond me; it's clear that she lacks any sort of technical ability, and it fails even as gossip rag fodder as well. She didn't write any of the lyrics, so even if you're 99.9% sure that a song is about Nicole Ritchie, there's a chance that its author was really writing about soybean crop rotations.

And yet all the bitching is useless, because it'll end up like "Super Size Me": the message is incredibly obvious, but it'll never reach the people that can actually benefit from it. The chair-moistening gastropod who is unaware that 5,000 calories a day of anything, let alone McDonald's, is bad for him was probably in the other theater watching "Scary Movie," downing a XXL popcorn with extra butter and drowning it with a 128-oz. Coke. Likewise, anyone who's going to buy "Paris" for non-ironic purposes thinks "Sufjan Stevens" is the name of the Indian guy who works at their local Chevron.

We can't change any of that, but I just wish there was an alternate version where the name "Paris Hilton" is removed from it and replaced with "Margot" or something, so we can see how clueless the critical community is about evaluating pop music made by females. Jeff is absolutely correct in his evaluation of this album. Sort of. The production on "Paris" sounds definitively American (read: Scott Storch), and most critics worth their salt would probably be able to point that out. Then again, if "Margot" was some sort of Scandinavian pop princess, the same critics would likely be lauding it for her ability to grasp the American pop paradigm.

Confused yet? Well, you should be. It shows why I can't trust any music critic that professes a claim for "pop music" as we usually think of it, i.e., something that wouldn't be better served jammed into something like "rock" (nearly any three-to-five member band with guitars), R&B or whatnot. Critics who really like pop music are like rappers who actually sell drugs and kill people; I'm pretty sure they don't actually exist in real life.

Because let's face it: what is a music critic gig except the culmination of years upon years of elitism? And you're gonna waste your stump on obviously subpar shit that's beloved by the masses? By the way, this also explains my disdain for Lil' Wayne, but that's another story. Sure, you may go to a hipster bar and see a copy of Madonna's first album in the jukebox, but there's also a copy of "Spiderland" as well, and I know which one gets put on far more often.

I can't trust any praise of a pop album because it always, always, always seems to be tinted by what pop music critics (and let's face it, males mostly make the narrative here) want out of their girlfriends. How do I know this? Think about all the songs and albums that have been curiously adopted (in that it's diametrically opposed to bread and butter stuff like Arcade Fire, Sufjan, Interpol, etc.) by the cognoscenti over the past few years..."Toxic," "Crazy In Love," "One Thing" (which still blows moose cock, by the by), Robyn, Annie, M.I.A., Ciara, Kelis, etc. Notice anything? That's right: no white boy mainstream rock and certainly no R&B created by black males. Unless we're talking about "Ignition (Remix)," which is an exception because as I've said before, it's on a Mike Tyson/Ron Artest/Cam'ron circa "Y'all Can't Live My Life" level where you feel as if you're receiving a transmission from another planet.

Even though it's under the auspices of pop, it's fairly certain that melody isn't playing much of a role here. If that were the case, The Delays would be critical monsters and "Bleed American" would be every bit as well-regarded as anything Liars have put out. I'll give these people their Motown and so forth; you can actually sing along to it because there's melodic structure. Modern R&B is basically rap without the rapping.

Combine liberal guilt and a severe lack of sex and you've got the lines that determine what's good pop and what's bad. M.I.A.: Exotic! Leftist! Rich! Hot! Robyn: Swedish! Watches Chappelle Show! Annie: Swedish! Sad because her boyfriend's dead! Lily Allen: Rich! And so forth.

Look, I know how it is with women; basically, if they're hot, guys will turn any small quirk of theirs into some sort of enormous display of personality plus. Likewise, when men start evaluating pop music made by women, it's like what happens when I take a shot of Jager during a night out: all bets are off. Did you know that there are people who think Missy Elliott is some sort of musical genius? Jeff calls her the black Rosie O'Donnell, but I think she's an update of the Beastie Boys; I'm glad she exists and she's probably good for music, but if you really think about it, the first album's the only one that actually holds up. And even "Supa Dupa Fly" has a couple of those tired-ass slow jams that no one ever asks for. Seriously, I started listening to "Kelis Is Here," and even that has a couple of those tired-ass slow jams that no one ever asks for.

But she's most like the Beasties in that 90% of the praise that goes towards them and not their producers is misdirected. You think Missy Elliott would be where she is if her mentor was Jazze Pha or Poke & Tone? And although "Miss E..." is generally the most well-regarded of her albums, it's not a coincidence that Timbaland's best beats went there. But I might as well just come out and say it: "Get Ur Freak On" is the most overrated fucking song of all time and it has everything to do with those unlistenable, unlistenable lyrics.

Is it really because male critics expect so little out of female artists? I mean, have you actually listened to the whole of "Anniemal"? Okay, "Heartbeat" is pure gold, but if you like "Chewing Gum," you can go turn in your testicles. If you heard the rest of the album played at an upscale clothing store, you probably wouldn't think all that much of it. And Robyn? Well, that was #4, repeat NUMBER FOUR on Stylus' Top 50 list last year and it's one of two albums on that list that I couldn't listen to all the way through because it cracked me up so badly. I just refuse to believe males in their mid-20's actually like that shit.

The other stuff I laughed my way through is that doom metal shit that's become a big deal all of a sudden. Don't be fooled...Isis, Sunno))) and whatnot are still on that Cookie Monster shit. Okay, it's one thing if you're gonna vouch for Kylie Minogue or Annie or whatnot. At least they're not bad to look at. But don't moonlight in metal, okay. I used to say that liking Phish was a lifestyle choice rather than a musical one, but that's clearly more true of metal. Do you know anyone who's really into metal and lives a normal life? Scratch that, do you know anyone into metal, period?

But if I can't tell the difference between the good stuff and the bad stuff, what's the point? It's like why I never got into bluegrass music. I know bluegrass is pretty much an untouchable genre, but it's amazing how the truth can come out when you're not actively using your blog to get laid. In terms of rock, pop and hip-hop and whatnot, you can tell the difference between top-notch acts and derivative, cliched shit. We all knew that Bloc Party was fantastic and The Bravery wasn't fooling anybody. It's why "ATLiens" is the platonic ideal for mainstream MC'ing, whereas "King" definitively proves that T.I. is not an actual human, but rather a Southern rap cliche-generator programmed by Texas Instruments.

But wouldn't cliche bluegrass be redundant? By definition, it works within such a clear set of parameters. Once you start fiddling with the formula, it becomes something other than bluegrass. The only guide we really have is if they're old, it's probably good. Sort of like in jazz where if they did a gang of drugs, it's probably good. Which makes Nickel Creek the bluegrass Wynford Marsalis or something.

What this all sort of leads to is Pitchfork's "Top 200 Singles of The '60's" list, which I've pretty much ignored even though their guys trying to wax rhapsodic about soul music offered manifold opportunities for uninentional hilarity. But when I really think about it, their only list that's worth a damn is the one from the '90s and the ones at the end of each year. Why? Well, the '80s one is pretty useless because in 2006, the vast majority of music from that era is more influential than impressive. The one from 2000-2005 was the result of an emergency meeting that declared Arcade Fire wasn't cool to like anymore. Awesome stuff; "Funeral" gets lauded for its emotional resonance and the same people hit it with the backlash the moment it resonates with listeners.

And the '60's/'70's stuff has great music, but it lacks the reason why the '90s one works: they're strictly from an academic standpoint. I would imagine that the vast majority of critics like myself grew up in the '90s, getting our minds blown by Radiohead, Smashing Pumpkins, Dr. Dre, Biggie and whatnot on a firsthand basis. The same goes for Arcade Fire, Sufjan, Interpol, etc. Meanwhile, the vast majority of us weren't alive in the '70s. Meaning that the only albums that we really get to hold up as masterpieces are passed down through a filter of hipster lore. It's pretty pointless because there's been 30 years to correct misconceptions and no one is going to let their youth play a factor into it.

Most people were pretty amazed that Kraftwerk got ranked higher than "Zoso," but here's what I think: if this list was made by Pitchfork's equivalent in 1982, I'd be amazed if Led Zeppelin was on that list at all and "Trans-Europe Express" wasn't #1. And that plays into why I think most critics try to vouch for pop music these days: they don't want to get caught with their pants down. The '60's list was basically filled with a lot of enormous pop hits, but would their equivalents really be into that shit back then? Who'd want to be the guy whose influential magazine shat on Motown?

And that sort of lays out the problem with criticism today. Chuck Klosterman laid it out pretty well in "Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs" that Lucinda Williams won't matter in the future and the Dixie Chicks will, a large part due to their popularity. It was a pretty slick move likening them to Van Halen, although I doubt he anticipated the Dixie Chicks' ongoing "Right Now" phase.

I guess that's the conundrum if you hope to be a music critic lifer; not only do you have to keep up with today, but you also have to prepare yourself for thirty years down the line. How many shitty bands have justified their critical revulsion by saying "even Rolling Stone ripped on Zeppelin!"? I thought it was awesome that the latest issue with Zep on the cover had a little side blurb from the guy who shat on their first album and never backed down. So yeah, perhaps I'll be gripped with nostalgia if I do hear "Crazy" in 2036; hopefully, I'll be able to remember that I never liked it.

y'all can't live my life

2006-08-20T23:27:00.000-04:00

Contrary to popular belief, I am not dead, nor done blogging. Got a lot of stuff I hope to put up here in the not-too-distant future, but until then, just want to share a little wager I came up with. You see, Tuesday marks the release of the soundtrack to "Idlewild," meaning that most of the decent online music sites will have their reviews up tomorrow. And you all owe me five bucks if you see the following paragraph, or something similar:

With a ferocious verse in "Hollywood Divorce," Lil' Wayne proves the torch has been passed from OutKast to himself in regards to being the preeminent rapper of the South.

You will see this. I guarantee it. And it will not be true at all; basically, you get the same strained, "rap finishing school" verse from a guy who's reportedly older than me, while Big Boi and Andre (1936?) take his ass to school. Frankly, I have a good deal to say about this album (the first half makes me want to go to bat for it, the second half is worse than the worst stuff on "The Love Below"), but let's just go with this: I've never heard a bad verse from Big Boi, and every time we hear Andre spit a verse on this album, it's like a gift from the hip-hop gods.

In the meantime, Ian's got Stylus stuff here and here. And yeah, my next project is the new Method Man album. Yeah, resident Wu groupie.

sometimes i find myself wearin' the same shit for days

2006-07-21T14:42:00.000-04:00

I got that "I don't give a fuck" in me

Though I can't quite remember whether it preceded "H.N.I.C.," it's possible that "Family" just might've hosted the last great Prodigy verse. Almost makes you forgive the fact that it shares disc space with "You Owe Me."

I was almost ready to turn in my Stylus card after "Separate Ways" and "B.O.B." somehow failed to make our Top 100 Videos (that's what I get for not voting), but today's Lily Allen review more than makes up for it. The line about Antony & The Johnsons made my year. But really, the more pressing matter is that she looks busted in about 75% of the pictures I've seen her in. Reminds me of an old Onion sidebar: "English girl exotic enough."

Back to the lecture at hand, really, what is Sexy Results! but a tribute to the triumph of the human spirit? Well, it's just about anything but that. Most accurately, it's a place where I can ramble at will about UVA's continuously heartbreaking mediocrity in football, people who pose in the mirror listening to "Hustlin'" and all the while I can needlessly drop lyrics from my collection of, as some have been wont to call it, "sad bastard music and gangsta rap." I guess it does warrant mentioning that in my opinion, "Fishscale" and "Return To Cookie Mountain" stand head and shoulders above everything else I've heard this year.

As a matter of fact, as the Bar approacheth, I was quickly becoming inspired to make a "guess the lyrics" post similar to that of one of the only readable law-related blogs I can think of (if you want uncut abject misery, go to the blogroll here...my God), only filled with the most hopeless quotes I could come up with...

"Life isn't precious and life isn't sacred/Sometimes release only comes when you meet death."- Delgados, "The Drowning Years" (pretty much anything on this album applies)

"And lately I've been wondering why/We go through so much trouble/To postpone the unavoidable/And prolong the pain of being alive."- Pedro The Lion, "Priests And Paramedics"

"Small stakes ensure you with the minimum blues/You don't feel taken and you don't feel abused/Come on!"- Spoon, "Small Stakes"

"Bored and rural-poor at 35, right?/I am the best 17-year old ever."- The Wrens, "Everyone Choose Sides"

"I smoke with a lot of college students/Most of 'em wasn't graduatin' and they knew it."- Redman, "Whateva Man"

Not bad so far, right? So I figured I'd try to get out this funk by digging into one of the latest postings on the ol' message board: "Midwest Funk: 45s From Tornado Alley." How could that not be uplifting? Well, I shit you not...here are the first words on that thing:

"Webster's defines 'procrastination' as...

Damn. But in the end, I found a nugget of great news that actually is a testament to the triumph of the human spirit. You see, loyal Sexy Results! reader, you have a better chance of fucking Mandy Moore than you do of publishing a blog that talks about Virginia football and hip-hop and still gets over 300 hits a day. I mean, off the top of my head, I can think of several people who've been all up in that. Andy Roddick for one. Zack Braff. I have to assume Vinny Chase hit it in the "Entourage" trailer. But if you're looking for the latter, I'm the only game in town.

Specious reasoning, right? Well, Scoop Jackson's like, "fuck that noise!" I realize that it's probably best for me to avoid his articles in their original form, since an exploded head is probably an obstacle to successful Bar taking. But whenever it's quite obvious that he's gonna talk out his ass about race, well...I can make exceptions. You might find an instance where he calls himself "the ghetto (insert)" despite ostensibly attending college or jamming in the most awkward grown-n-sexy R&B reference you can think of. How can I resist something this juicy?

"Do you know why you can't name 300 black sportswriters?" I say to them. "Because 300 of us don't exist."

The room becomes less quiet. Mumbling. Private conversations break out.

Then I make the point: "Which means you all have a better chance to make it to the NBA then you do doing what I do for a living."

(pencil drop)....

Just fill in the rest of this yourself. I'm at a loss for words.

My other favorite news story of the week involved the Philadelphia Inquirer dedicating nearly half of its sports section to the story of Bruce Froemming. Needless to say, this was a day or so after the All-Star game. Now, it's a pretty interesting and heart-warming piece about how luck and stick-to-itiveness played an enormous part in him approaching 5,000 games umpired. That is, until the last two paragraphs, where they happen to jam in the fact that he got suspended for 10 games because he used a derogatory term for a Jewish woman who worked in the administrative part of Major League Baseball. I'm betting the house it sorta rhymes with "Mike Schmidt."

I'm Ron Burgundy...???

i don't want it unless it's brand new

2006-07-20T10:46:00.000-04:00

Unfortunately, Kanye's words are far truer now than on the day they were first spoken

I can't recall exactly how Uncle Jesse managed to get the Beach Boys to blaze wax with him in his own freakin' basement studio. I've grown older and wiser since my sister made us watch "Full House" during dinner when I was in middle school, so I feel pretty safe assuming that it was probably a package deal of all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp and pills.

Anyways, my sole concrete memory from that show is the point where Uncle Jesse comes back to the house and complains about how he went to the record store and he couldn't find his album (little known fact: he was Rawkus' first signing). As it turns out, the rest of the family went and bought every single copy.

Since there's some line on "Blue Collar" about Rhymefest's mom trying to abort him when he was 15 (?), I'm assuming that he doesn't have as good of a family support system. But goddamn, couldn't Kanye or Mark Ronson stop at Sam Goody on their way home from the tailor?

Chicago rapper Rhymefest finishes at #61 with nearly 15,000 copies of Blue Collar snatched up.

You can go ahead and blame this on the leak if you want, but Thom Yorke's solo joint moved 90K with no single, not to mention that Radiohead fans are known to be pretty savvy when it comes to the internet. Worse, there are at least 87,000 people in the United States who'd rather have a Pimp C solo album than sixteen dollars (I had to double-check to make sure he didn't outsell Bun B, which would be hysterical. "Trill" did 113,000 in its first week).

In sum, for every person with a legally-obtained copy of "Blue Collar," there's SIX people who own "Pimpalation." To put it another way, if you took the difference between the debut sales of "Blood Money" and "Blue Collar," you could fill the Rose Bowl.

It's not like "Blue Collar" is a classic or anything, but wow...times are rare when I see how an album charts and it makes me want to go buy the CD out of pity. At least my job prospects are looking up; I'm assuming everyone at J Records has to be unemployed right now. Did it not occur to them to lie about Rhymefest being from Mobile, Augusta or some other untapped city in the south?

the dumb are mostly intrigued by the drum

2006-07-19T20:20:00.000-04:00

Before we begin, go to Passion of the Weiss's latest masterwork, which pretty much wrote five blog pieces I couldn't get around to.

Anyways, if we're going by a pure per diem basis, I've listened to more music in 2006 than any year of my life. And it's not even close. It used to be that I would have to wait until bands I already heard of released an album or a critical consensus struck me in a way that made me believe a band was worth checking out. As far as the latter goes, it really didn't take much; I bought "Bleed American" off the strength of a 3-1/2 star review in "Rolling Stone" (back when my UVA student ID acted as a bookstore credit card that resulted in non-itemized bills) and feint memory of hearing the title track. Needless to say, I don't regret that purchase one bit.

Things have obviously changed; being privy to all kinds of promos and whatnot gives me the ability to formulate an opinion before anyone can really do the heavy lifting for me. And really, it's sort of a downer…I feel as if I've already wasted my precious Lily Allen hatred (seriously, she looks completely busted in 75% of the pictures I've seen her in) and her album just came out yesterday.

As a corollary, I must say that I've listened to more bad music in 2006 than any year of my life. Not "unlistenable" bad, just "why would anyone want to listen to this?" mediocre. Which is probably worse. I've got a Spurrier-esque short leash these days and you gotta give me something on first listen.

The following represent albums that I had expectations for. For example, if someone suggest a dude like Darren Hayman, I'll listen to it, but if I don't dig it, no worries. And there has to be some expectation, because really, who other than Spin thought "Yung Joc City" or "Blood Money" were gonna turn out to be something other than the two most worthless albums of 2006? They don't make this list.

Critical praise plays a big role in this too. I mean, if you came to me last year and said, "alright…there's these dudes who play warmed-over BTO riffs and there's really no tunes. But the lyrics are kinda funny," I would've I dunno…went back to listening to Bloc Party or something. But after hearing so much praise thrown their way, I had to find out for myself that the Hold Steady is classic rock stripped of everything that was ever good about classic rock.

In the spirit of the Phillies (thanks to Brett Myers, the "Fightin' Phils" nickname is a little uncouth), I'm presenting 2006's landscape in their terms. And I realize that it's far past the actual midway point of 2006, but last year's prime album season didn't really begin until late August with the release of "Twin Cinema." I remember buying that on the first day of class in the fall and then subsequently dropping thirty some-odd dollars every week after that.

The first group we'll explore is the Ryan Franklins. Now, in retrospect, we shouldn't have expected all that much from Mr. Franklin. Check the stats if you must. However, Pat Gillick brought him in with a pretty healthy contract and you figure, shit…he might be onto something! As it turns out, our worst fears are confirmed and we'll be lucky to get Oil Can Boyd for him.

This'll probably go in threes, with each group getting nine a pop:

Ryan Franklin albums- see above

Bobby Abreu albums- doing pretty good, but needs a change of scenery

Cole Hamels albums- just shy of transcendance

Michale Bourn albums- September call-ups

Ryan Howard albums- the real deal

The first three Ryan Franklin albums are those that come from major/indie icons that have given me hours of fantastic music in the past, but it's fairly obvious that they need to fold up the tent. Here goes...

RYAN FRANKLIN, Pt. 1- 2006's Greatest Disappointments

The Flaming Lips- "At War With The Mystics"

Remember when Dave Matthews Band released "Stand Up"? Me neither. I mean, it's not like I actively seek out his stuff, but I'd figure that I'd hear at least one of his songs by now at a Wendy's or something. Considering he doesn't rely on "the streets" or music critics (also known as "the streets") to make his SoundScan work, it's a little surprising how quickly news of it disappeared. I just can't fathom people "growing out" of this band. What do they grow into?

Well, it's not really like that. It's more a symptom of a band's continued existence becoming more important than their output. They become a symbol for a lifestyle rather than an artist. The logical end to this, of course, is Jimmy Buffet, who has parlayed this sort of "tour the album, only for more sales" mindframe into obscene wealth. Same goes for the Rolling Stones…well, unless you write for Rolling Stone.

In no way are the Flaming Lips like DMB…except I think that they're a band whose existence is really all that matters at this point. Due to their overt whimsy and live spectacle, they caught a lot of Phish fans on the rebound, but they're also a more lovable Radiohead in a sense; they play with convention and represent a platonic ideal of a band on a major label, one who doesn't go into board meetings being told "I don't hear a single."

But let's face it: it's been a lean seven years since the release of "The Soft Bulletin," which I like, but not nearly as much as other people do. In fact, as far as Dave Fridmann productions go, I'll put it behind "Deserter's Songs" and "Hate," which is probably the most overlooked masterpiece of the 21st century. "Yoshimi" was alright, but three years is a long time for what was essentially nine songs and two average instrumentals. Four years is an even longer time to wait for what is essentially a house cleaning of Fridmann's nuttiest production ideas and Wayne Coyne's weakest songs. "Yeah Yeah Yeah Song" and "Free Radicals" represent the most irritating nine minutes of music you're likely to hear this year, and they begin the album.

The Lips have had a good run, far better than anyone could've ever expected, but from the looks of things, they're in wrap-up mode. Even before you get to the whole matter of Wayne's voice being completely shot, there was the video collection, that movie they still might be making, the re-releases. They're spent; trying to wax political on this album just seemed like an empty gesture to capture the NPR listener who probably saw this being pushed something heavy at their local Borders. You could practically feel reviews straining not to give this the poor rating it deserved, but I think we all could tell what they were trying to say.

Built To Spill- "You In Reverse"

Sort of a corollary to the Flaming Lips thing. Built To Spill has been around for over fifteen years and released three albums that are generally considered classics, the last one coming out during my freshman year of college. They already released the live album (but no "Free Bird"???!) "Ancient Melodies Of The Future" came out in 2001. Doug Martsch released a solo album that no one cared about. Suffice to say, if Built To Spill wanted to write another chapter in their legacy, they'd better make it worthwhile.

I started seeing reviews for this claiming it was a "return to form," or at least worlds better than "Ancient Melodies," which obviously is the result of absence making the heart grow fond. I used to think that Built To Spill (like Spoon) is a band that can't possibly write a bad song. But this album is dull, dull, dull, dull. Yo, how dull is it? It's mad dull, B! I can't remember which review I read it in, but someone said that the first Built To Spill album you hear will likely be your favorite. That's certainly true of me, since "Keep It Like A Secret" was one of my favorite albums of 1998. Something about scrappy indie rock at its most concise and tuneful does it for me, which is why "Brighten The Corners" is my favorite Pavement album. But unlike the case with Pavement, I think the two preceding albums are also as good as advertised. "You In Reverse" is kinda like the mirror images of them; you get the length of "Perfect From Now On," but none of the guitar awesomeness, and the simplicity of "There's Nothing Wrong With Love" without the melodies.

Twilight Singers- "Powder Burns"

Disclosure: I like "Black Love," really like "Blackberry Belle" and love "1965," but Greg Dulli has to be the biggest poseur douchebag in rock music. Every day is his personal application to Vice Magazine. I decided this during a trip to the Borders magazine rack, where I picked up a copy of Fader with Rick Ross on the cover just because I was in the mood to truly hate humanity. First off, there's his eternally irritating reverence of black music that causes him to directly quote Nas in his lyrics, faithfully cover Mary J. Blige and TLC and write songs called "Honky's Ladder." Worse yet, he talks more about cocaine than Lil' Wayne and Raekwon combined. What kind of asshole tells some magazine hack "no one really came around except dealers and strippers, and sometimes they were the same thing. It was very Caligula"? First off, how does he afford all this stuff? He ain't exactly rolling in dough, unless it's Boboli you're talking about. Secondly, Tommy Lee's probably spilled more drugs than Dulli's done in his life.

But usually, the guy can make a pretty good album out of the four or five song ideas he endlessly recycles ("Going To Town" is "Citi Soleil" is "My Time (Has Come)"; "66" is "Feathers"; "Night By Candlelight" is "Into The Street" is "The Conversation"). This time, he finishes the dialogue that "Be Here Now" started: cocaine is not a good artistic muse for a lot of white people. Pretty much cosign on our review; although I usually can't say this about a D+ grade, I think the person who wrote it showed a lot of restraint. That "hooride" song also has a lyric that goes "making love to the snake inside my head."

Perhaps tomorrow, Pt. 2...a.k.a. "I'm Talkin' To You": hip-hop's greatest disappointments

go play somewhere, i'm busy

2006-07-14T11:22:00.000-04:00

Trust me, you don't plow through the California Bar subject that inspired its teacher to quote "Hate It Or Love It" (not to mention "New York, New York" and "My Prerogative") without needing to give your brain a well-needed break. So, in the spirit of goldbricking, as well as comment-generating, I offer you the Pitchfork boner joke of the day...

Contrary to hater-instincts, we here at Pitchforkmedia Inc. don't get righteous boners every time a rapper mentions cocaine in a song (Lil Wayne excepted). In the cases of guys like Cam, Wayne, and the Clipse, subject matter is often subordinate to their unparalleled swagger, deep-end metaphors, and ability to create several new urban dictionary entries with every verse.

Not that I hold any sort of high ground on this. I just hope my people at Stylus get a nifty graphic up there when "Tha Carter III" is named our #1 album of 2006. But in case you're wondering about what "deep-end" truly means, I give you this food for thought...

"Dear Mr. Toilet/ I'm the shit" (this bears a substantial similarity to the all-time Killa classic "I know that's the same color as doo-doo/I'm the shit/Shit, call me Pepe Le Poo-Poo")

"I do it for the gangstas and the bitches, the hustlers and the hos."

“They either gon’ respect me or / We are burnin’ them bitches like a cigar, / Pump, put a hump in your back, and call you Igor, / War, this shit is harder than ya’ll / We got that cocaine rice, call it Condolezza. / Huh, fuck with me chump? I’ll rock ya teacup!”

"Weezy F. Baby, the motherfucking Carter / Got bitches on my stick but my name ain't Harry Potter" (this was called a "liquid non-sequitur." You're giving me too much credit if you think I can make this shit up)

Now, this isn't just me pulling quotes at random and out of context to make Lil' Wayne look bad. After all, if all you knew about "Ready To Die" was "I never thought it could happen, this rappin' stuff/I was too used to packin' gats and stuff," you'd have every reason to be unimpressed. But these are all featured "hot" lyrics taken straight from the reviews of his latest mixtape classic and "Tha Carter II." No, the ceiling hasn't been removed; the bar's been lowered to the point where the ceiling looks like the sky.

And that gigantor elephant right over hyeah is the fact that this guy's been a millionaire since he was, like, 15? And now he starts rapping about how much coke he slangs and how he'll kill you on his patio? How is this any different than "Dirrrty"? And before you go, "how does that explain 'Kilos' or 'Crackspot' or 'Only Built 4 Cuban Linx'" go ahead and figure out the difference between self-aggrandizement and storytelling. And get some fucking taste.

Call me "backpacker," "nostalgist," or even "chump," but sometimes things really were better ten years ago and we have every right to bark at what's being offered. Just ask anyone who watches ESPN.

y'all can't ball like chicago centers

2006-07-03T14:20:00.000-04:00

Once again, as I'm too lazy to make up my own damn post, I'll just piggyback off Straight Bangin' for a not-particularly definitive look at the aftermath of the NBA draft...

1) What do you make of the Duke players that went in the first round? Were teams reaching by taking Shelden Williams in the top ten and J.J. Redick in the lottery at all?

When Shane Battier's career is over, he'll go down as the most important NBA player to ever come out of Duke. Why is this? Well, Duke has long had a reputation of turning out players who were granted enormous amounts of exposure in college and fail to become ubermensch at the NBA level and are thus considered colossal busts. Say what you will about Grant Hill, but he never struck me as a #1 guy on a championship team. The problem here is that teams that draft a guy like Danny Ferry or Mike Dunleavy or Bobby Hurley high in the lottery fail to understand the culture of Duke basketball. You can't win an NBA championship without at least one HOF-er in your starting lineup (the 2004 Pistons are a lone exception) and it's probably a good idea to have two. The Blue Devils don't put NBA HOF-ers on the floor. Obviously, the NBA isn't ruled by players who spend a lot of time at the collegiate level, and if you're gonna be a one-and-doner, you're not going to Durham. While Coach K gets all the McDonald's All-Americans he wants, if you're going to work in his system, you have to sublimate your ego to the greater evil. There's never the case where one guy stands out as someone who will carry them on their backs, and that's good news, especially when J.J. Redick's involved. Not so much because he'll have a worse V-sit reach than T.J. Ford in two years. I'm thinking more about his teammates; I hear it's like a topographic map of the Himalayas back there.

And this is where Battier comes in. Perhaps because his game is so boring it's no fun to even talk about him, few people bring him up as being a disappointing pro despite his underwhelming stats. But his Dukeness translates into the NBA in important ways: he gets to the ball, defends well, takes charges, hits free throws, does the little things and generally won't be expected to do all that much other than help the team win. Despite the fact that he was a prominent player on four world-class Duke teams, you didn't watch Shane Battier and automatically see someone who would take a team to the next level. You simply got a fundamentally sound guy with discernible skills who knew how to win.

Since Battier recalibrated expectations, I don't think Shelden and J.J. are going to turn out to be busts. Four or five years ago, someone like Redick gets drafted #3 and is asked to turn an entire team around. Look at things now; this guy averaged 25+ PPG on the most famed team in college basketball and all he's being asked to do is take a back seat to Darko Milicic and hit the occasional jumper. And say what you will about Shelden being taken #5, but don't you think he'll at least be good for something like 9 PPG and 7 RPG in his first year? If that's the case, he'll have outperformed last year's #1 pick. Of course, that doesn't change the fact that some people (not me) will argue that the Hawks might've been better off with Marcus Williams, a second round pick and a footlong meatball sub than Shelden Williams. Provided Marcus and the meatball sub are kept in separate rooms.

That's where we stand with Duke players, at least until McRoberts comes out. I'm all for picking players who've proved themselves on a collegiate level, and post-Battier, anyone who drafts a Dukie in the late lottery will probably get themselves a rotation guy and nothing more. But when you consider this particular draft, that's all you can really ask for.

2) Which lottery team started off Thursday most improved relative to where it was on Wednesday?

Let's start from the top...

Toronto

I can't say that I know too much about Bargnani, so I won't pan this pick. He'll likely turn out OK, but the prospect of a Morrison, Villanueva and Bosh frontcourt is about as good as you can hope for in Toronto. The problem I do have with Bargnani is that Guerrilla Black might be the only guy out there with a smaller pool of possible comparisons. If any of the ESPN dudes had an ounce of worthwhile personality, they'd say "he reminds me of a young Darius Miles" just to see if we were paying attention.

Bulls

As exciting as it will be to watch Tyrus, the more important thing is how Thabo manages to work the terms "Swiss" and "chocolate" into a nickname. As is, it looks like the Bulls pick up more guys who you wouldn't trust the last shot to, so you know they'll fit in. For a moment, I thought that they were becoming the East's answer to the Grizz, but then you remember that they have what's almost certain to be a top-3 pick in a Mariana-deep 2007 draft, not to mention tons of cap space. You gotta love Isiah; "any GM would take Curry #2 this year." Absolutely, if you're talking about 2001 Eddy Curry, before the massive contract, chronic underachievement and oh yeah, life-threatening heart condition. Could be that Eddy Curry will have been more productive than all but one guy in this draft, but if Isiah can show me a GM who'd take him over the possibility of Tyrus Thomas and Joakim Noah on the same team, he's obviously looking in the mirror.

(Ed. Color me unimpressed with the Big Ben (Wallace, not Toothlisberger) signing. All defensive acuity aside, I think the last thing they needed was to find a center who's more of a black hole on the offensive end than Tyson Chandler. Once again, who's scoring for these guys on one of those 3-54 nights from Gordon? Maybe they'll be able to trade Chandler for some shooting, but they've tied up their cap space in someone who aged about ten years during the past season. You think the Pistons gave you Heat in '94 flashbacks?).

Bobcats

Bill Simmons' lottery preview seemed a little too good to be true, and then, after a little thought, it was. He was saying that there was no way that Michael Jordan would pick Adam Morrison. Which is very stupid if you consider that he used MJ's compulsive gambling as a sign of the competitive fire that made him great. Just about every single player in this draft had questions about intensity; you're telling me that they wouldn't roll the dice on a need player (in terms of position and marquee value) that broke down on national TV because he hated losing so much? I loved that commercial he did; people liked to rag on him, but would you rather have the "both teams played hard" alternative? And by the way, Slam Magazine called 'Sheed the most "gangsta player of the Slam Era," using "gangsta" as a synonym for "not giving a fuck." Just think about who he had to beat out to get that award.

Anyways, my only concerns are in regards to Morrison's intelligence. If there's any band that you shouldn't cry over the breakup of, it's Rage Against The Machine. Not because they only knew how to write one kind of song or despite the fact that they were the most popular overtly political band ever and all they'll be remembered for is wakka-wakka guitar sounds and good shit to yell at your parents when you want more allowance. It's more because it was the most predictable breakup of all-time. They made albums every four years and each one was accompanied with a story about how difficult the process was because they fucking hated each other. It's amazing they made one album, let alone four. Save your shock for Layne Staley's heroin overdose.

Blazers

I remember the first grade I got back during my first semester of college was a C+ in Calculus 201. Why I took this class, I don't know. Thanks to AP in high school, I had all my math and science requirements taken care of, but I decided to soldier on because I was always good at calculus and I wanted to see if I still "had it." Well, it much me and a bunch of kids from the honors dorms and Thomas Jefferson High School, a NOVA magnet which sends about 12 kids to Harvard every year and about 100 or so to UVA. At that point I realize that most high school students were probably learning in their classes, as opposed to playing "DrugWar" on their TI-83's.

After that, I got back to my usual grades, but in the end, there was still that C+ for me to stare at, dragging the rest of it down. I proved I could hack it at the collegiate level, but there was always that seed of doubt that I could get myself in over my head.

That's sort of how things are with the Blazers. It's easy to get caught up in their draft results, having picked the one dude with a last name that's a built-in marketing campaign and the best offensive post threat. Then you throw in Martell Webster, Raef LaFrentz, Dan Dickau's white bitch and you're thinking that they may be going in the right direction.

Of course, that's when reality taps you on your temples and makes you remember that Zac Randolph and Darius Miles will be bandied about as possible Knicks trade bait for the foreseeable future. Actually, if it wasn't for Mo Cheeks, I guarantee D Miles would be rocking a Sixers uni by now.

Hawks

If I were a Hawks fan, you'd probably want to take my picture to prove I'm actually real. But besides that, I'd be encouraged with the Shelden Williams pick. Going from "indefensible picks" to "unimaginative picks" has to be considered progress on some level, right?

But in the end, I think it's the right pick, seeing as how there was no Chris Paul here (Marcus Williams could easily turn out to be the 2006 Khalid El-Amin) and the last thing they need is another 2/3 combo guy. It's unbelievable how many people like to play up production on the collegiate level and then smack down a guy like Shelden Williams (let's call him Bill S., no that's too obvious. How about B. Simmons?) just because he went to Duke. Most of the Dukies who fail on the NBA level are nancy boys who relied on outside shooting (ya know, the NBA 3-pt. line IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT than the one in college), "pedigree", or had no idea how to properly operate a motor vehicle. Did you hear about what Shelden was like before he got to Duke? He was this Oklahoma redneck who rocked an Afro, socks that said "Landlord" on them and he howled like Tarzan after every dunk. My old driving instructor used to make me drive him to the local hoagie shop and often times would say stuff like, "ah...melons, they never go out of style" (keep in mind this would be said when we were in back of a middle school bus). Well, he's dead now. But something else that never goes out of style is the ability to rebound and block shots, and I'm fairly certain those skills will benefit a team that starts a dude named Zaza at the 5. Or, go here for a very well-informed take on this.

Celtics

Until they get A.I., their draft bores me. Let's talk about Telfair instead. Obviously, point guard was a need for them and, well, it wasn't as dumb as picking Rajon Rondo at #7. Not by much though. Find me one person other than Scoop Jackson who's convinced by Bassy: NBA Point Guard.

I just hope no one said that this was a good move because he was wasting away in Portland. People talk shit about the Jazz, but you know the Boston fans won't be happy until Kirk Hinrich is making two-handed bounce passes to Adam Morrison in Celtic green. But hey, at least we can look forward to vaguely racist columns by Bill Simmons where he quotes his explicitly racist dad.

T-wolves

The Sixers of the Midwest. More on this later.

Rockets

A lot of people ran Houston through the mud for trading Rudy Gay and Stro Show for a guy who would be most appreciated on a borderline championship team, which the Rockets are certainly not. I'm not saying it's a great trade, but considering they already have Yao Ming, I doubt they're willing to place their hopes on another dude who could be awesome if he could contract aggressiveness via osmosis. I still don't think very much of the Rockets right now.

Warriors

I should probably contact my dean about a problem I had during my finals over the past three years. I'd get the question, start outlining and all of a sudden, this thought would come over me: "man...isn't it ripe time for the Warriors to pick another stiff at center?" This should do quite nicely.

Sonics

You Knicks fans don't know how good you have it. Let's face it: any given year, there are four or five teams tops that are capable of winning a title and a true franchise player comes around once every three years or so. What the hell else are you supposed to do in the meantime? Say what you will about the Knicks; at least they're kinda entertaining in their futility.

Not so for the Sonics. My friend Nick accurately called their strategy over the last three years "The 'Major League' Method," where their personnel moves are so baffling, it can only be a ploy to get the team to move. Although there is something comforting in knowing months in advance that you shouldn't give a shit about your NBA franchise. Really, would anyone be opposed to merging the Blazers and the Sonics? Would they even make the playoffs if it happened?

Make no mistake: this Saer Sene character will be bad. Fran Vazquez bad. Frederic Weis bad. Allow me to digress. I think last year represented a watershed in draft talk. The consensus #1 pick was being compared to Vlade Divac and Toni Kukoc as compliments. After that, we were no longer allowed to dream. Many Philadelphia sources told me that the Sixers were hot on Cedric Simmons' trail because he was favorably likened to Theo Ratliff, the best player in Wyoming history not named "Fennis." I understand that getting Theo Ratliff value at #13 is probably a good thing, but I've been there with Theo. LIE TO ME! Tell me he could end up like Sam Perkins at the very least!

So while people may have held their tongue when comparing Sene to Dikembe ("who wants to sex Saer?" just doesn't have the same ring), let's not jump ahead and call "DeSagana Diop" a favorable outcome just yet, otherwise the draft is utterly pointless. Yeah, he did a good job against Timmy D. on the defensive, but would you trust him to hold your baby? Or even a really nice cantaloupe? Just think about the possibilities, Sonics fans! You think he's hot property now? Wait until 2008 when he's hitting double digits in the Belgian League!

Hornets

There was a notable absence of Martell Webster awesomeness in the crowd, so we had to do with Hilton Armstrong's "notable achievements," which included totalling his mom's car at 16 and bringing two left shoes to an AAU game. If you're a franchise that has to shuttle between two home cities next year, this is exactly the dude you want. And as far as Cedric Simmons goes...hey, you might have the next Theo Ratliff on your hands! And it warrants mentioning that Cedric Simmons/Ronnie Brewer/Rodney Carney might be the greatest run of generic black guy names in draft history.

Jazz

I'm unsure whether Ronnie Brewer and Rodney Carney aren't the same guy, but I'm not willing to trust the Jazz just yet after making the most dubious offseason move in a long time. Unless you traded syphilis for Rafael Araujo, you didn't make an "equal value" trade.

Sixers

More on this later...

Knicks

On the "22 Short Tales From Springfield" episode of "The Simpsons," Dr. Nick is being brought before the medical board on various and sundry charges of malpractice. He's on the verge of losing his license until a nurse barges in and says that there's a crotchety old man looking for a quack. Next thing you know, Dr. Nick's diagnosing all of Abe Simpson's fake illnesses with bullshit remedies and it all works out. All charges are dropped, and things are OK for the time being.

What I'm getting at is that the Knicks could make the playoffs this year. Perhaps this is just an example of "it has to get better because it can't get any worse" thinking, but I think it's possible given the example from above. From Day One, you knew Isiah was constructing this team with the notion that he'd coach it. Larry Brown was a stupid hire from the get-go; Isiah didn't want to talk, Larry didn't want to listen. While I'm not letting Zeke off the hook, it goes without saying that Brown's job during the past season bordered on self-sabotage. Life gave him lemons, so he took a shit in your mailbox and robbed your daughter's lemonade stand.

If you were to ignore the whole situation concerning the salary cap, wouldn't you take this roster in 2006 over that of the Sonics or even the Bucks? Maybe it just takes a bullshit coach to bring the greatness out of a bullshit roster.

3) Draft-time rumors were swirling above the heads of some prominent NBA stars, including KG and Jermaine O'Neal. Did any of the rumored moves make sense? Is there a move we haven't heard about that would make sense?

Does it matter? With Billy King at the helm, we'd be lucky to get the modern day Andrew Lang for A.I., to say nothing of Tim Perry and Jeff Hornacek.

Now, if we traded for K.G. straight-up, that's a different story. That's two franchises that are pretty much in the same boat. Thanks to a couple of borderline retarded GM's, a superstar is wasting away in his prime despite his undying loyalty to the city and the team. Not to steal Chris Rock's bit, but other than Kirby Puckett and Prince, how many black guys stayed in Minneapolis as long as K.G. has? At least Kirby grew up in Chicago as opposed to going to high school there for a year and was used to the weather. How did they keep KG but not the North Stars?

Both A.I. and K.G. are still very, very productive but in a major need of a change of scenery. Why won't this happen? I say blame the Mavs and Suns. Remember the good old days when shitty GM's would just acquire whoever the hell they wanted without regard to position or chemistry? That used to be called "not having a plan." But with the playoffs turning out the way they did, teams are now "trying to get more athletic," failing to realize that they don't have Steve Nash or Dirk Nowitzki or other foreign guys who can play that style of ball and that we all felt so shitty when the Finals ended because the Heat won it. And convincingly at that. We all know that nearly every team that's won it all in recent memory had, a) a guy on the wing who gets every call he wants and some he doesn't even ask for, b) an All-Star second option (preferably a center), c) a superstar coach, d) clutch defense, e) clutch outside shooting. All year long, we wondered if the Mavs would crack due to their reputation of being softbatch, and they did when the chips were down against the Heat. Say what you will about the shit refereeing, but it didn't help that the let it get in their heads. And hitting a few shots would be nice.

But anyways, the Mavs/Suns template allows GM's to think they can build a competitive team out of spare parts without the actual innovation of a Mike D'Antoni. Much like the Suns, the Sixers don't play defense, but they don't hit shots either. That's kind of a big deal. Nonetheless, why not draft a guy who plays the same position as Iguodala? Sure! And get this...he went to Memphis and has a reputation of being lazy! Count me in! Hey, at least we've got Willie Green, Kyle Korver and Sam Dalembert until the next decade, not to mention the Slam Dunk Contest on lock. Wait...what was my point? Oh yeah...I keep getting Billy King and Billy Knight confused, and it's not just because of the name.

4. Who was the best player in this draft?

I'm a little wary about Brandon Roy being considered the runaway for best player in the draft. As I've said before, Miles and Randolph don't strike me as guys who are going to defer to a rookie that easily. This team is still a mess until further notice.

I actually like Adam Morrison for R.O.Y. For one thing, if they can avoid the injury onslaught of last year, the Bobcats have a better shot at the playoffs than the Blazers. And moreover, he's the main scoring option from the moment he puts on the uniform. People will certainly rag on his defense, and then hopefully be reminded that Steve Nash is the reigning two-time MVP. But he's already got a head-start in terms of publicity, not to mention the whole Michael Jordan thing. The Bobcats are going to be a team people pay attention to whether they want to or not, and I can't say the same for the Blazers, who still have a looooong way to go.

5) Describe Isiah Thomas's Wednesday night and Thursday.

Oh, don't worry about Zeke. I agree with Chr is...he's just biding his time until he drops a serious bomb of awesomeness on us.

But nonetheless, you gotta love the sense of entitlement from Knicks fans. Haven't won a title in decades and lorded over the darkest era in NBA history. We really owe you one. Thank God they can't possibly acquire LeBron. And I wouldn't rely on him playing in Brooklyn either. Bron Bron keeps up with the hip-hop scene...he sees Jay-Z banking on asshats like Young Jeezy and Rick Ross to keep Def Jam afloat. Is that really someone you wanna trust an NBA franchise to?

Y'all just better hope we gracefully bow out

like a monkey with a miniature cymbal

2006-07-02T17:43:00.000-04:00

Sorry about the hiatus...what can I tell you? I'm just in love with learning, or at least learning enough to ensure that the exorbitant price of taking the California Bar Exam doesn't go to waste. Because there's an almost 100% chance an XBox 360 will bring me more satisfaction than putting "Esq." after my last name.

Anyways, EDSBS has given me a good opportunity to get the ol' blog juies a-flowin' again with the latest Roundtable...which has little, if anything, to do with football. But as long as it has some sort of tangential relation to football, I'm down for the cause, seeing as how I'm on some Jodeci shit (you know, "Feenin'") when it comes to NCAA 2007. A large part has to do with the fact that playing with UVA will actually be a lot more challenging without Marques Hagans to run a QB draw about 25 times a game. On with the show...

1. Education. List the region of the country you were born in, what universities you attended and at least one other you would have attended if your alma mater didn’t exist.'

Born in Lafayette Hill, PA...my mission to have it renamed L-Boogie have thus far been thwarted.

As far as the book learnin' goes, I know it's a little tough to decipher from the subject matter of Sexy Results!, but I graduated from UVA as an undergrad in 2002 and the University of Georgia school of law this past May. And institutional pride runs very strong 'round these parts. If I couldn't have gone to these places, I would've...I dunno, put a slug in my brain? Seriously, trying to fashion some sort of alternate reality for this is like asking me what I would do if I had to choose another girlfriend; I've got what I want. Let's talk about awesome waverunners instead.

My first child...he will be called "Fuckin' A, Brah! Cohen"

In fact, the only potentially pleasing alternative would be to pull a switcheroo on those two schools in terms of timing. Sounds great in theory, but raises some enormous potential problems. First off, in order to get into UVA Law, I would've had to either:

1. Discover I was part of a little-known Native American tribe
2. Added about eight or so points to my LSAT, or
3. Worked a lot harder in undergrad

Point three really gums up the works. At any given moment, my existence in Athens threatened to devolve into a three-year long bender, and my law school demands were the only thing keeping things together. It didn't do such a great job. At least in Charlottesville, when I looked back on all the stuff I wish I could've done, it's mostly "application pamphlet" shit like going to see the Dalai Lama speak or going down Skyline Drive. Otherwise, I think I led a pretty full life at The University. It's big enough to have all sorts of opportunities, but small enough that half the battle in taking advantage of these opportunities involves just showing up.

The problem with Athens (if it actually is a problem) is that on any given night, there's way too much to potentially do and the temptations are more basic. There's bars, bands, an enormous Greek system, SEC sports, Atlanta's an hour away, and plus, the weather will rarely prevent you from taking advantage. On the other hand, if you didn't feel like driving, you could count the worthwhile bars in C-ville on Johnny Tremain's hand and since it's in the mountains, the weather gets pretty bad once November rolls around.

You have to keep in mind that underage alcohol was nearly impossible to find in Lafayette Hill and I lived in a house with parents that have absolutely no hobbies other than harassing their kids. I love Charlottesville, but in reality, it was the sort of middleman I needed before I could tackle Athens. Odds are, if I went to UGA undergrad, I'd either be in a band right now or my eighth year. I don't know how these kids do it.

Otherwise, the other places I would consider probably wouldn't have flown in the Cohen household when I was 18. I couldn't apply to Vandy because my parents didn't think there were any Jews there and I'm still too bitter at UNC to realize that's probably where I would've went if UVA never existed. For those interested, I got waitlisted despite outscoring Rasheed Wallace's SAT score on the math portion alone (and it took him, like, five attempts to get just that). I took myself of the list the moment I got my UVA acceptance, so it turned out for the best. And although I could've went to Penn State for free, I don't want to rob my parents of the opportunity to bitch at me for the rest of my life for turning it down. It means too much to them.

But considering the trajectory of my life, I think UCLA would've been a good choice, mostly because if UVA made me feel financially inadequate, I can't imagine what USC would do. Seems like it's in a decent area, I like the uni's, and most importantly, Asians always liked me. I get the feeling that's kind of a prerequisite for enjoying your time in Westwood.

2. Sports Affiliations. List your top 10 favorite teams in all of sports in descending order. For instance, your alma mater’s football team may be number 1, but perhaps there is a professional team that squeezes in before you get to your alma mater’s lacrosse team.

Hey- fuck your lacrossism!

1. Virginia Football
2. Whoever's playing VT
3. UGA Football
4. Virginia Basketball
5. Philadelphia Eagles
6. Virginia Lacrosse
7. My UVA dynasty on NCAA 2006
8. Dallas Mavericks in the event the Sixers suck (Mark Cuban exception)
9. Washington Redskins in the event the Eagles suck (Clinton Portis exception)
10. Any Negro League team that had the name "Crackers" in it

3. Movies. List the movie you’ve watched the most, your favorite sports related movie, the movie you secretly love but don’t like to admit it (possibly a chick flick or b film), and the movie you were (or still are) most looking forward to from this summer’s season.

Most-watched: Depends if we're talking intentional or unintentional. If it's the latter, there's a good chance that I've seen "PCU" more than any film in my life, whether I've wanted to or not ("Shawshank Redemption" or "Necessary Roughness" also qualifies). But if it's the former, it's "Caddyshack." Easily. And I don't see it getting topped, not with the "Frat Pack" mold of comedic film-making. Passion of the Weiss became a newly minted movie writer for Stylus (the Takeover!) and his take on this phenomenon proves we're in good hands. I haven't seen "Nacho Libre" yet, but I'll ride for this angle...

In many ways, Hess feels like a throwback to the 1980's, a time in which comedy films were the probably the only decent things America produced. Sure, Nacho Libre might not be as raunchy as Caddyshack or Stripes or Meatballs, but it shares a similar aesthetic in that like those great films of the past, Nacho never takes itself too seriously. Something all too-lacking in today's films that feel the compulsive need to teach you some sort of silly moral or force the plot to revolve around some completely forced romantic angle (I'm looking at you Wedding Crashers).

Fave sports movie: Does "Caddyshack" still count?

Shame Flick: Before this year, I probably would've gone with "Falling Down." There was something about it's "kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out" philosophy that really appealed to the high schooler in me. And with the success of "Crash," I always wondered if it was underrated in terms of its prescience...Well, it wasn't and you can read about it here.

I guess for guilty pleasures, not much will top "Higher Learning." I don't even think it's a "it's so bad, it's good" movie. Actually, I just fun to point out all the ridiculousness of it. Yeah, I know the '90s were an enlightened time, but John Singleton gives the average college student way too much credit when it comes to social and political awareness and spent every minute playing up to his self-fulfilling prophecy of white man being way evil.

Looking forward to: You see, there's some plane with some motherfuckin' snakes on it...

4. Music. List your favorite band from middle school, high school, college and today. Also, as with the movies, include the song you secretly love but don’t like to admit. If Nickelback is involved in any of these responses, please give a detailed explanation as to why, god, why.

Middle School: It's hard to say, so let's just put it out there that the first CD's I bought were DAS EFX's "Dead Serious" and Black Crowes' "The Southern Harmony and Musical Companion." And for a brief time, I'm fairly certain I thought Alice In Chains' "Dirt" was the best CD ever made.

High School: This is also a tough choice. I doubt N.W.A. was my "favorite" act, but I'm pretty sure "Zaggin4Efil" got more play in my tape deck than anything else. Let's face it: as much as people like to talk up the social importance of N.W.A. and Public Enemy, their main influence was, respectively, giving 16-year old white kids something to feel naughty about and giving the same white kids a rap album they can mindlessly throw on their "best of the decade" lists when they become music critics.

College: When I think back to my first year, the two CD's that stand out are "Psyence Fiction" and "Aquemini" (the latter obviously being a milestone joint). They stand out because I bought them on the same day when I went to the Fashion Square Mall for the first time with my friend Lelia. I'm not joking when I say that trips to the mall solidified more than a few friendships during my first year.

After that, it sort of goes in phases. "Supreme Clientele" came out and I pretty much listened to that exclusively for a while much to the chagrin of people who prefer the Queen's English to go unmolested. Same with "Kid A," except that I would leave parties just so I could go home and listen to my illegally leaked copy. I think I bought the 12 Cure CD's in the span of two weeks at some point (but refuse to own any black T-shirts). "Bleed American" rocked my world. We assembled a 4-CD boxed set for Beach Week consisting of only the finest '70s butt-rock possible (think BTO, Bad Company, etc...I'm not sure anyone uses the word "butt rock"), divided into the following themes: "Good Lovin'," "Bad Lovin'," "The Road," and "Miscellaneous." Robert Earl Keen, David Allan Coe and Lyle Lovett played a prominent role, not to mention "12 Golden Country Greats." 2001 may have been shit in all forms, but Tenacious D and "The Blueprint" got us through. In other words, you won't get a straight answer here.

Shame Song: You'd better believe that "This Is How You Remind Me" is the fucking jam! Go here and read why.

5. Books. Favorite book you’ve finished, worst book you’ve finished and the book you really should read but haven’t gotten around to it.

Favorite: The problem with law school is that it completely sours you on the possibility that reading is something you can do to reduce your boredom. Fortunately, the last thing I read before starting law school was "Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs" and I proceeded to have it for maybe a month for the next three years because I lent it out so much. Now all that's left for me to do is top it.

Worst: As many have indicated, if a book is truly bad, I'm not going to finish it. There's a good chance that something I read in high school or college would take this, but if we're working on recent memory, a solid candidate is Charles Barkley's "I Might Be Wrong, But I Doubt It." I love Barkley as a TV personality, but it's obvious that he needs to step up his ghostwriter game or actually get one in the first place. He's on some serious crotchety white man shit on this; if you leave out the parts about Alabama, you'd be forgiven for thinking Bob Ryan wrote it. We also have to throw in "I Am Charlotte Simmons." I'm usually a Wolfe fan, but the problem here is that the whole "kids drink and screw even at places that AREN'T Arizona State!!!" thing he was looking to shock people with isn't the powderkeg he thinks it is. The only people apparently surprised by the state of higher education are Charlotte Simmons and Tom Wolfe. If I were more generous to Stylus, I'd throw up a "Top Ten Credibility-Destroying Moments in 'I Am Charlotte Simmons'" list, but that would mean I'd have to read it again. C'mon...her family doesn't have cable, but they can build a fucking computer!?!?!?

Should Read: My BarBri books. Seriously.

6. Travel. Favorite city you’ve every been to and the one place you still must visit before you shuffle off this mortal coil.

Favorite City: Other than Athens? Well, going to Israel represented one of the finer stretches of my life and I remember liking Tel Aviv best of all. It's considered the L.A. of Israel, and here's the weird thing about the country: I've never felt safer, even out on the town at 3 AM on a Friday night. Okay, there's the whole bomb threat thing, but if you're going to live in fear of getting blown up, you're probably not going to leave the house all that much in Israel (and even if you don't, you're still in danger). If it happens, it happens. But it's not like being in Philadelphia or New York late night and wondering if one of the lesser known Ruff Ryders is going to jump you because you're going down the wrong street. You pick your battles, I guess.

Need to visit: When I stash my first five milly, I'm headed to Vancouver. I think. But if I was to get a free pass to go anywhere, I'd probably hit up wherever they filmed "Rock The Casbah." People really look like they know how to have fun there.

7. What do you love most about college football in 20 words or less?

Sparks at 9 AM: ain't nothin' wrong with that!

i hold more grudges than lonely high court judges

2006-06-20T17:27:00.000-04:00

That joke isn't funny anymore

Odds are, I will dedicate tonight to watching Game Six of Mavs/Heat. This shouldn't be much of an excuse to write a post, but when you consider the sacrifices that need to be made in order to enjoy some quality TV time, CD catch up and (gasp!) maybe even a beer or two on a weekday, it's a pretty big deal. Once again, I couldn't make it to the gym, which is a frightening reminder that three days of slacking will pretty much undo one month of hard time.

But the bigger deal exists in the fact that a lot of people (myself and Ralph Nader included) have likely sworn off the NBA Finals for the same reason they've sworn off the World Cup: because the outcome is more likely to be determined by someone who may very well be working in construction in a month rather than the finest athletes in the world. And by the by, in regards to soccer, I was always wondering why Coach K was laying so low during the whole Duke LAX scandal. It's clear now, and whatever Italy's paying him, the U.S. should double it.

Then again, this raises a bigger question, and feel free to comment if you have an answer: isn't official impartiality an illusion at best and hopeless at worst? From what I know, to get the NBA, you have to go through all kinds of humiliating, low paying gigs before you even get a sniff at trying to call a T on the Ndiayes and Roger Mason, Jrs. of the world in the D League. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you don't choose this route in life unless you really, really, REALLY like basketball. Not because of the begrudging nature of the job, but because you acquire the worst kind of fame possible: a lot of people know you, but you can't possibly get laid off this fact. Sort of like those Applebee's dudes.

Anyways, if you really, really, REALLY like basketball enough to dedicate your life to being a referee, it stands to reason that you've accrued some sort of biases in your lifetime. Trust me, I'm pretty much indifferent to the NHL outside of the Flyers, but I definitely would let some shit slide if I were on the ice. For example, you could dropkick anyone on Tampa Bay's first line from the 2003/2004 season and get a free pass.

I would imagine the same goes for the refs. Maybe they have to admit to having a favorite team and never get to ref those games, but you spend that much time paying attention to the game, you have your little mental subplots you want to see play out in your mind. What if you had the chance to ensure that you wouldn't have to see the Spurs in the Finals? Or what if you'd rather see a Spurs/Pistons Finals because that would mean you wouldn't have to run up and down the court so fast?

I guess the best response to this would be to say that if we can't expect impartialiaty from referees, what about judges and juries? Well, if we had a twelve man synod that pored over every potential free throw situation, it'd revert to And 1, "no blood, no foul" style. Which might not be so bad. But the courtroom is a different thing altogether, since the judges gives jury instructions before a decision has to be made (which is perhaps what David Stern does pre tipoff), and at least you get to whittle down from a larger pool beforehand based on potential biases. And as far as judges go, I think law school can set you up for a life of hating everyone equally. But even if you are a more sympathetic person than I, I doubt you hung up "Med Mal Plaintiffs #1!" posters in your room as a young scrapper.

And for the record, I envision this being a "Shaq sits for almost the entire second half" Dallas blowout, causing a Game 7 where Dwyane Wade reaches true legend status and Gary Payton and Alonzo Mourning cohost the most loathesome championship celebration of all time. All because God wants me to fail the Bar Exam, and somehow making summer TV watchable is a good first step.

Speaking of goldbricking, Pitchfork has their 100 Awesome Videos list up, and the timeliness couldn't be worse for reasons that might be manifest next week. Anyways, some good stuff there (the video for Pulp's "Bad Cover Version" might be the best ever made), but of course, some horrid omissions. Off the top of my dome...

...Raise your hand if you saw the token Ca$h Money inclusion coming, replete with overdramatic narrative about its societal importance. Leave it to them to pick the absolute least fun one possible (why not "Get Your Hustle On"?). If anything, go with "#1 Stunna" (Steve Harvey does grillz now?) or "Bling Bling," one of the few songs that actually sounds better as a radio edit (also included is Styles' "Good Times"; but it has to be the "slightly edited" one, not the "I'mma finish you before I finish my lunch" one). "Ha" is practically unlistenable in edited form.

And besides, we all know that "Make Em Say Ugh" is the best video to ever come out of New Orleans. Say what you will about Master P, but the fact he combined Shaq doing his best Slam Dunk Contest reactions, the Phoenix Gorilla, Mystikal rapping while sitting on the hoop, "Above The Rim" 8' nets and a FUCKING TANK ON A BASKETBALL COURT more than makes up for putting completely different songs called "Let's Get 'Em" on consecutive albums.

...Any list that doesn't include "November Rain" is kidding itself. Think of what the word "awesome" truly means. Somewhere, Axl is stewing like Mr. Burns after he lost the Springfield Film Festival to "Pukeahontas." If you're a guy between 22 and 34 and you can't tell me which part of this video constitutes the greatest moment in '90s video history, I'm not sure we can hang out anymore.

...Speaking of that age group, stop living a lie and include at least one of the videos from "Get A Grip." Those got you through some tough times. I realize all of those tracks are horrible, horrible cliche monsters, but it's likely that two out of three people you consider friends were tricked into buying that album. They had to be doing something right.

...That remix of "Warm It Up" I did playing "Kris Kross: Make Your Own Video" on Sega CD. There's gotta be YouTube evidence of it.

...Ghostface, "Run." I shouldn't have to explain why.

they took a vote and said no

2006-06-19T14:33:00.000-04:00

Recently, I got my laptop back from the good repair people at Circuit City. The good news? The CD player works now. The bad news? The "5," "6," and "-" keys...not so much (this is obviously from another computer). So, as I wait for them to send a mailer box to some place that's not Georgia, I've been taking it to class and jotting down musings that I don't have the energy to invest consecutive hours to. Of course, I'm only human. It's June, "NFL Head Coach" keeps getting its release date pushed back like the Clipse, Rhymefest and Lupe Fiasco were doing the soundtrack, so I'm pretty much one-track mind on college football. Fortunately, my mans an' 'em at Ciskie Blog have reupped with the latest preseason BlogPoll, and I hope you brought some snacks.

Which preseason college football magazine is your favorite?

When I'm drinking, I'm probably doing so to get drunk or win money for feats of strength. Some might say that's the definition of alcoholism, but I'm pretty sure if you're drinking, you probably want to get drunk too. Maybe not drunk enough to write a certain review that Joey is probably soon to ride out on (you know what I'm talking about), but enough to achieve some sort of mind alteration. To paraphrase what Chris Rock once said, he'd see his dad pound sixpacks all the time, but he's never seen anyone drink six glasses of Kool Aid.

Anyways, this leads me to why I don't buy bottles of good liquor. Oh, I like to drink good liquor. And I don't buy shitty beer. But no matter how much forbearance I promise myself to take, Maker's Mark would get polished off as quickly as Ol' Granddad, and I'm thirty bucks poorer for my efforts. And trust me, Top Ramen doesn't fend off hangovers as well as a condor egg omelet. Actually, one of those would be so good right now...

How does this carry over to college football? Well, back in the days when people had waves, Gazelle shades and cornbraids, I used to rock with the glossier preview mags like Athlon and Sporting News and whatnot. Oh, they certainly looked nice; usually written in complete sentences, nice layouts and graphics, some cheesecake shots of cheerleaders. Problem was, since I had them in the summer, a generally obligation-free time for me outside of creating an alternate reality where UVA won three straight NC's despite having a Jewish QB that weighed 155 pounds, I would generally run through them in about three days. Trust me, by the time August rolled around, I had the two or three paragraphs they dedicated to Tulsa's prospects committed to memory.

But now that I've been immersed in the BlogPoll and I have to flex knowledge every now and again, I went with Phil Steele's $8.50 monster and it's CFB rotgut in printed form. It's not pretty, but it gets the job done. Consistently and thoroughly. When it comes right down to it, I think anyone with a ESPN Insider account can do a preview for any given team. And no matter how bleak a squad's outlook is, they're about as lenient in grading as All Music Guide. So why bother with narrative? I don’t think this is a secret, but evaluating the Phil Steele preview as literature is nearly impossible since it's more of a gambling sheet than anything else. A Pitchfork writer's personal hell is an eternity of trying to edit this thing. Run on sentences, overuse and wrongful use of the word "simply"…the list goes on and on. And then there's all the made up facts and self adulation. It's like trying to understand Five Percenter Islam without reading the Wu Tang Manual first. Sure, you'll get the gist of it, but you're missing out on the details that make it so delicious. Oh, it's easy to figure out the "I self lord and master" breakdown. But you'd never know that they believe white man was created by a mad scientist named Yakub. Likewise, I know that Arkansas has a chance to be a sleeper in the SEC West, but don't ask me about shit like "S/" and "VHT #40."

What team is being supremely overrated in the preseason rankings?

Despite being an ACC elitist of the highest order, I didn't have any particular dislike of Florida State. Yes, they were the odd man out for a long time. Generally, an ACC school is southern, but not too southern, well renowned academically (well, except for Clemson), has an impressive basketball legacy (well, except for Clemson) and is filled with the blandly attractive and non-threatening type of girl that probably played field hockey in high school. Except for Georgia Tech, of course.

On the other hand, I'm thinking that Myron Rolle's decision to choose FSU prompted the most hilarious letter of intent signing since Stephon Marbury committed to "Georgia Tech University," the greatest player in Seminole hoops history might be Bobby Sura and they continually get overrated in terms of student body attractiveness on the account of someone who looks like what would happen if Wilson's Leather Store starting making floatation devices.

But then again, if she were to turn her Corinthian pelt into luggage, they'd definitely have to be called "Fun Bags."

Of course, you're probably thinking, "oh, he's just doing that thing where you take down what is generally considered to be a hot girl in order to make you a more sympathetic person." Look, buddy…what is "Sexy Results!" but a constant ploy to alienate any female reader I've ever had with one exception? My problem is that holding up a girl who obviously has fake tits as being some sort of superfox doesn't feel right. Sure, there are upsides to it; I think it's safe to say that any girl who consciously has altered her body via tattoo, non-ear piercing or plastic surgery is more likely to blow you in public. But I can't see how feeling up a fake boob should be any different than caressing a prosthetic leg. How would you feel if your ol' lady made you fuck her with a strap-on? Oh, it's not cool when the shoe's on the other foot and she wants a little enhancement for her pleasure? Of course, that's totally different if we're talking about dudes getting calf implants. Bitches love that shit.

Um, so yeah. Football. Anyways, I didn't mind the Seminoles because without FSU, the ACC is pretty much the Big East during the 1990's. But without the 'Noles, Jim Swofford doesn't get the bright idea of completely altering the ACC to the point of unrecognizability. With no FSU, it makes no sense to bring in Miami. And then it makes no sense for UVA to have to save Virginia Tech from being wasting away with their true institutional peers (West Virginia, Louisville, Cincinnati). And then it makes no sense to split up into unknowable divisions with a championship game that can't even sell out Alltel Stadium. The ACC is now just another behemoth football conference.

FSU and Miami deserve each other, so fuck 'em. The bloom is off the rose so to speak in regards to their Labor Day Weekend tilts, as last year's joint was definitive proof that close games aren't necessarily good games all the time. And it's a little disappointing to know that one of these guys starts off with a conference loss. What that usually means is that one team gets discounted for months until they inevitably run through the ACC battle of attrition (read: FSU loses to NC State, Miami drops an inexplicable one to UNC or GT) and end up right back where they started.

And it continues the cycle based on the basic train of thought is that "they were inconsistent last year…that means they're gonna be awesome this time!" Maybe it's just me, but that seems to be what we've been saying about Florida State ever since Weinke left town. I don't care about Drew Weatherford; they're still trusting their offense to Jeff Bowden. They fucked around too much last year (see: Fred Rouse) for me to feel truly comfortable about their national championship hopes. Same for Miami; I usually don't trust bowl results all that much, but the Peach Bowl revealed that things aren't exactly in order at the highest levels of Hurricane football. Once again, they got bombed in the draft and lost their most dangerous offensive weapons in Devin Hester (can't ignore field position) and Sinorice Moss. No running back has stepped up either, so you're relying on Kyle Wright and Eric Olsen to get the offense moving with a depleted line. The defense is stout, but I can't see what this whole basis for significant improvement is. As was the case last year, if you can put 21 on 'em, there's a good chance you'll win.

And maybe I'm just trying to preempt any sort of doubts about UVA's opening game against Pitt, but how is it that they're supposed to double last year's win total? Take this nugget from Phil Steele...

The offense, despite losing three of their top four rushers and two of their top three receivers, should easily top 2005's ppg.

Wizzle wuzzle? Look, that team went in a weak, weak, weak Big East and beat no team worth caring about. Unless you're Matt. The defense got absolutely ripped apart by any decent team it faced (42 for ND, 37 for Rutgers, 42 for L'ville and 45 for WVU in quite possibly the worst display of run defense I've ever seen. Seriously, it made UGA look like the '85 Bears). And with the balance of power in Pennsylvania shifting back to Penn State, the recruiting advantage that they figured they were getting with Dave Wannstedt is probably negated. I'm a fan of Tyler Palko, and I imagine Pitt can easily get to a inexplicably good bowl game, but even if they improve by three or four wins, they're a good candidate to get blasted in it.

I'll also throw LSU in there, since the Les Miles Regime feels like one long wait for the other shoe to drop. And although I think OSU should win the Big Ten, I can't see an undefeated season. "Yeah, they're replacing their whole defense, but what an offense!" only works in the Pac-10.

I also have to give a nod to Steele's take on WVU. Look, I understand that they beat a very good Georgia team in the Sugar Bowl. But let's not forget how lucky they were to beat a sleepwalking Louisville team and had their asses handed to them at home by Virginia Tech. And the fact that every Big East coordinator has spent the entirety of 2006 studying that game like the Zapruder film. And as far as the Sugar Bowl, if Richt doesn't pull the most baffling punt formation in the history of ever!, we're all talking about the catastrophic meltdown by the WVU defense and the Mountaineers probably don't sniff the top fifteen. Watch out for Maryland to pull an upset special.

Turn the tables. Who is underrated?

Look, I know us BlogPollers are a weak sort. Our knees buckle at NCAA 2007 previews like they were cheap porn on a clipper ship and once late August rolls around, 9 AM is just another way of saying "you should be working on your fourth Sparks." Okay, maybe that's an Ian thing. Either way, when it comes to picking teams that are potentially underrated, we're a sucker for squads for whom the following was true: a couple of guys that a not particularly die hard fan can name off the top of their heads, a record that was tainted by close losses and a storied history. And if there's one team that fits that role, it's Michigan.

Granted, for a Michigan team to be underrated, it's all relative. In any year where everyone and their gay uncle isn't picking them to be top five, they get called "underrated." But although the temptation is there, I'm not gonna put UM here. You know why? Because I don't want to deal with the e-mails from the eight thousand Wolverine bloggers telling me I've been lying about reading their sites. Henne, Hart, Manningham…it doesn't matter. As long as Lloyd Carr has the killer instinct of Mikey from "Swingers," there's no reason to believe that snatching defeat from the jaws of victory isn't a trend so much as it is a way of life.

So if I'm gonna pick a Big Ten sleeper, I like Iowa. Things went a little haywire last year after stratospheric expectations that I knew from the jump they couldn't match. But really, with Tate and an actual running game, they could sneak up on dudes. Like they always do. Really, they're Michigan with a coach you can trust. I'm a little late on this bandwagon, so go here and here for better explanations.

Otherwise, you'll go broke betting on Hokie postseason success, but if Virginia Tech is not on your shortlist for dark horse NC contender, you have one excuse: you haven't seen their schedule. In the past few years, VT has shed their rep of fattening up on cupcakes like so many of their chair-moistening, window-licking students, and they've got LSU and Nebraska lined up for the future. 2006…this is an exception. For the third straight year, they miss out on Florida State during the regular season and they're not even playing West Virginia, which just feels all kinds of wrong, like Seattle moving to the NFC.

And I wouldn't worry about Marcus Vick not being at the controls anymore. When I previewed last year's UVA/VT disaster, I posited that Marques Hagans had a bigger impact than Marcus Vick because Biscuit was single handedly responsible for three Cavalier wins, whereas Vick was never really put in a position to do the same. When they blew out teams like UVA and GT, it was more a matter of defense and special teams and Vick not doing too much to fuck things up. Certainly, he was someone a DC had to gameplan around, but if Beamer Ball was doing its job, all you needed were a couple of big plays. When they lost to Miami and FSU, Vick committed legendary bedshittings. I'm not saying a sophomore like Sean Glennon is going to be rock-steady like Bryan Randall, but I seriously doubt he'll be accused of trying to do too much.

There probably isn't one game that VT will be an underdog for with the exception of a road match against Miami, a place where they've proven that they can win at. And I've already told you I don't really care all that much for the Canes. VT has only three more road games in 2006, all at the least intimidating of ACC venues (BC, WF, UNC). Georgia Tech, Virginia and Clemson all come to Lane Stadium with serious quarterback questions. I'm not saying that the Hokies are among the most talented teams in the country, and last year's Purdue debacle shows how you can't always rely on scheduling quirks, but this is a hand nobody would turn down.

As far as other guys go, I like Indiana only because their quarterback is named Blake Powers. And every day, I drive by a billboard that says: "Temple: the new era of athletics," with Al Golden doing a magnificent, Urban Meyer-referencing "stand and point." So that's gotta count for something.

Speaking of Tech, I guess this is as good a time as any to address the whole Colin Cowherd incident, since I probably won't stop getting e-mail until I do. Before I go any further, I recommend you read this, just to give you a little idea of what we're dealing with...Anyways, to quote Jay-Z, "a wise man told me don't argue with fools/cause people from a distance can't tell who is who." Now, you can wonder who's the fool in this situation, but I think it's a pretty open and shut case when one side consists of an Eastern Washington University dropout claiming expertise about college football atmosphere. Let's just give an example, just a little sample of the rant...

Those guys wear make up to games. That is the biggest bunch of frou frou, daiquiri drinking, non-alcohol beer chugging weenies I've ever seen in my life. Dude, you want to know the most popular drink at tailgating at UVa football...Zima."

Let's go step by step...

"Those guys wear make up to games."

Have you seen the average UVA haircut? Say what you will about our attire, but from the neck up, I'm fairly certain we use toothpaste and that's about it. Anyways, I'm told from the Wikipedia entry that the "sucking cock for meth" man's Jim Rome is obsessed with USC football. Even before we deal with the whole fact that USC's nickname is rightfully "University of Spoiled Children" and it's located in LOS ANGELES, let's just dispense with the fact that hardcore Trojan football fanatics like Will Ferrell, Snoop Dogg and Henry Winkler probably rock more foundation on any given day than the entire Virginia sorority system.

And as for the whole bowtie-wearing thing, it's tradition, albeit one that erodes as the years go by. Understandably, he reacts harshly to concepts of "otherness," unknowing that the Greek population at just about any southern school north of UF (I'd imagine it's too damn hot anyway there) wears formal gear of some sort to their home games and kids in their first two years that are too naive to realize the stupidity of the concept of bringing dates to a football contest do so. You know who else likes to dress up all funny for their games? Army and Navy. Why don't you wear a wig and paint your body, you fucking fruits! Now I know why we haven't totally freed Iraq yet!

"Frou-fou, daiquiri drinking, non-alcohol beer chugging..."

To quote Homer Simpson, "does whiskey count as beer?" I think I speak for my fellow UVA grads that I can't even play as these guys in NCAA 2006 without taking a few pulls of the brownest of brown liquors. No matter how many Orange T-shirts are doled out before home games, the Fourth Year Fifth will still survive.

Anyone care for a belt of scotch?

"Dude, you want to know the most popular drink at tailgating at UVa football...Zima."

There's two problems with this. First, tailgating doesn't really go down at UVA, since there's no real space outside of Scott Stadium to do so. And secondly, it's quite clear he's never actually seen a UVA game, unless he somehow got in back in 1984. He says at some point that we rock ascots, which I would wholeheartedly welcome if for no other reason than to stem the tide of GDI "Sea of Orange"-ness. God, at least watch the last two games your own fucking employer put on TV: this year against Florida State and last year against Clemson.

My problem isn't with Cowherd offering such head up his ass opinions. I just hope he didn't lift them straight from Tech Sideline, considering that's his usual form of research. My problem is with the UVA fans (whether or not they're alumni I don't know) coming out of the woodwork trying to bait him with our "SEA OF ORANGE! TEH AWESOME!" defenses to an unwinnable argument. Arguing Virginia's case for being a hardcore football school is like arguing with a Frenchman who says the U.S. isn't capable of ever winning the World Cup; of course we're not. Since when was it a priority? And yes, it does need to be a priority to have it happen.

Look, I'm guessing you didn't choose UVA because of its madhouse football atmosphere. If you wanted to derive the vast majority of your institutional pride from a football squad, there's this school a couple hours to the southwest I could wholeheartedly recommend. Just make sure you don't stop at the Wendy's on your way. If you go to Princeton Review and look up "students that apply to UVA also apply to...", your results are VPISU, William & Mary, Duke, Cornell and Penn. We choose UVA over Tech because we don't want to come home from our future places of employment smelling of gasoline, UVA over W&M because I'm pretty sure my nickname of the place (Steers & Queers) still holds true, and UVA over Duke because we hate Asians.

Otherwise, you're dealing with a university that competes with the Ivy Leagues for its students. Regardless of how obsessed any UVA student is with the fortunes of Wahoo football, they're going to be considered "soft" by some USC jock-sniffer whose job is to talk for hours on end. Yeah, we're talking football here but if you look at the places I applied to, it's fairly obvious I wasn't making my determination based on football alone. The reason kids choose UVA over a place like Cornell or Penn when they do (or in Wops' case, Harvard...no, he's not a Native American) is because you can get a similar education for far cheaper with the addition of a D-IA sports atmosphere. I'm not gonna resort to the usual defenses (we're good at the sports that are as white as our student body), but when you look at UVA's peer schools, we're doing a whole lot better job than they are when it comes to developing a consistent football following. Even if all of UVA's undergraduate population cared as much about football as I do (and keep in mind, we're like, 10-15% Asian), that would only fill less than 1/5th of Scott Stadium.

It's two sides of a coin; either you're in UVA's situation or you're a Football U. There's no "perfect" football fanbase and I have no idea what constitutes the opposite of a "weak" fan. Throwing dogshit at players like Oregon fans? Burning couches? Yeah, it might be nice if UVA football had the diehard contingency of a UGA or Alabama, but then you reach a point where people who have absolutely no connection to the school whatsoever start influencing public perception of it. I'm sure people at Penn State think UGA is no different than Mississippi State when it comes to the book learnin', but the fact is, it's every bit as demanding for undergrad admission as PSU has becomes, not to mention with better weather and girls who don't look like they're rocking fanny packs by the time sorority rush ends. Unfortunately, to most people outside of the southeast, football is all they can really go on, and there's always a not so silent minority in action.

Inevitably, when fans start talking shit about what awful fans X State are, it's probably dealing with the worst of it. Am I really to believe that Ohio State students are always that bad or are they just OSU fans who live to give Michigan students hell? When I went to the Tire Bowl, I know damn well the fat, mustachioed shirtless guys threatening us weren't WVU students. When Penn State played UVA in 2001, it probably wasn't PSU grads getting bottles broken over their heads because they started shit. How did Alabama fans feel about that Bruno sketch from "The Ali G Show"? It's unfortunate, but that's the risk you take. I would like to think that the kids in my BarBri class who went to Philadelphia law schools a good thirty points below UGA on the US News rankings think of my law alma mater as being a top-flight school with dirt cheap tuition and an unbeatable atmosphere. Instead, those dejected motherfuckers just want to talk about the Sugar Bowl.

And as far as the school itself, UVA's undergraduate population is around 12,000 and our admissions requirements might be the toughest of any public institution in the country. How many schools can you think of that have a similar profile and are renowned for their hardcore fanbase? One...Notre Dame. And just think about how unreplicable their situation is.

Let's not forget that UVA football was historically awful for a good portion of the 20th century. Our history basically begins with George Welsh, and look at what's happened since then. We're a school of 12,000, located in a part of the state that's a few hours removed from where most of our alumni end up (Richmond, DC, to say nothing of the enormous amount of UVA grads in NY, SF, ATL and LA). And yet, last year UVA consistently filled out a 61,000-seat stadium that underwent a big expansion during the death march of George Welsh's last days. That might not sound all that impressive to those from a Big Ten or SEC program, but the only places in the ACC with bigger capacities are VPISU (65,000), Clemson (78,000) and FSU (82,000), all three of which are "all your eggs in one basket" schools (baseball aside). We still have 14,000 more fans in the stands then there are at an average Miami game and I don't hear anyone talking shit about their weak-ass fanbase. Now I just hope Luther Campbell doesn't read this blog.

The truth is, you can't have it both ways. UVA's reputation as being a "wine and cheese" crowd goes hand in hand with the fact that it's an elite school with a reputation of academic excellence. When I think about the people my friends work with in NY or DC, the only graduates they fuck with on Saturdays went to either Texas or Michigan, but keep in mind they also have student bodies which are three or four times bigger than ours and football traditions that go back decades upon decades. Who are you looking to please...the Wall Street firms that recruit on our campus or some asshat who has less education than Dexter Manley?

Which conference will be the best in 2006?

If you're willing to do the research, I'd guess offhand that the Big XII had the best postseason last year, and I expect them to continue. Texas and Oklahoma are legit contenders for a national title, and Nebraska could get their shit together in a very scary way. Let's not forget that Texas Tech will get their 9 wins for certain somehow, and although I have no regard whatsoever for Ron Prince's ingenuity when it comes to offensive playcalling, I think he'll turn things around sooner than later at Kansas State. That guy knows how to field a great offensive line and he's heavy in the game at the crucial JUCO level, so if they get to a bowl this year, I wouldn't be all that surprised. Moreover, Colorado gets a fresh start with Dan Hawkins and Texas A&M could easily start 9-0. I'm not kidding...of course, it warrants mentioning that they're the only team with a worse November slate than UVA (OU, Nebraska, Texas).

I'd like to say the Pac-10 has the chance to establish itself as a power conference, but even after FSU started slipping, it took a few years for the new jacks to really get at them in the ACC. I know everyone likes Arizona State (remember...Blackalicious) and Cal, but I'll see it when I believe it. Moreover, there's too much of a dropoff after those three teams and Oregon and 'Zona might not be there yet. Otherwise, the Big Ten should be very stout despite the outflux (word?) of talent and the ACC is another complete fucking mess.

Which "non-BCS" conference will be the best in 2006?

As expected, this usually comes down to whether you side with the MWC or the WAC, and are even able to tell the difference between the two. Me, I usually just remember that Hawaii's in the WAC and work from there. I have to say I'd rock with the MWC, if only because it's a little more well rounded. Utah should be dangerous this year, BYU is probably better than anyone thinks and TCU will likely be in the Top 25. Plus, SDSU and Colorado State are always competent enough to make you care. But out of the WAC, I like Boise's odds this year, since they learned a serious lesson last year in terms of scheduling (more below). Actually, to quote Captain McAllister, "har...I don't know what I'm doing."

Which non-BCS conference team will have the best season?

Seriously, how do you pick anyone other than Navy? Well, maybe Boise if we're talking about "best year," as opposed to "best team." You'll notice that UGA has been replaced by a slightly more reasonable opening feast (Sacramento State). If they get past Oregon State, an undefeated season is pretty feasible, which sounds like the thing I think about Boise every single year.

Let's get your first read on this one...who will win the H*i*m*n? Oh, by the way, players whose last names begin with the letter "Q" are ineligible.

Jimmy Claussen! Jimmy Claussen! What, too soon?

I'm not quite sold on Adrian Peterson, much like I'm not sold on Oklahoma as a whole. I understand that OU had injury problems and an inexperienced QB, but they never had the slam dunk game that makes me think they're ready to break out. People may be pointing to the Holiday Bowl win, but let's break this down. First off, they scored only 14 points against an Oregon defense whose stoutness began and ended with Haloti Ngata. Secondly, the Ducks were without their top quarterback and never were the sixth best team in the country by any stretch of the imagination. I like the Sooners to top last season's results, but if Bomar continues to struggle, Big 12 defenses can stack up against Peterson.

As far as Ted Ginn goes, I like his versatility, but I think it will work against him in terms of gaining the kind of stats that scream "Heisman." Troy Smtih probably has a good chance, but I wouldn't discount some other Big Ten QB's. Drew Stanton always picks up big stats, but I wouldn't bet on November passing without John L. Smith not being allowed to come within 50 miles of East Lansing, so that's out. Perhaps Drew Tate is the new Chuck Long? And just to torment our Michigan friends, I really think Chad Henne gets it goin' this year! Honest injun!

The Big East has four potential guys who can cop the Heisman, but they play for two teams. I have no doubt that Slaton and White will put up monster numbers for West Virginia and ditto for Bush and Brohm at Louisville. Problem is, unless you have the market power of last year's USC team, there's no way you're going to win the Heisman splitting votes with your teammate.

I'd have to say if Cal beats USC, it might be Marshawn Lynch's to lose. Though his team doesn't quite have the cachet you'd like from a Heisman winner, gaudy, Pac-10 supplied stats and a Top Ten finish (all very likely) would probably make him a greater amongst equals, since it's hard to envision an end-to-end guy.

But this is all pointless anyway, because when UVA takes the field on July 19th, Spalding Cohen's 350-yard performance against Pitt will be just the beginning of a year for the ages.

Spalding Cohen: tanned (really tanned here), rested and ready!

well it took a lot of work to be the ass i am

2006-06-11T23:47:00.000-04:00

And I'm really damn sure that anyone can equally easily fuck you over

I know you're gonna ask, so I'll just come out and say it: I immediately ran to the computer and went to InterviewWithAri.com. To those who need a late pass, it's pretty much a vaguely "King's Quest"-esque interview with Ari Gold where you type in responses to his typically barbed shit-talking. It shames me to say this, but I took the first trial run as serious as an Asian 10-year old playing Madden for money. What great relief it brought me to hear "whatever they're paying you, I'll double it. But you won't be playing hide the matzah, it's more like snatch the latte." No joke; had I failed to impress a computerized rendering of Jeremy Piven's critically-acclaimed character, I really would've had to reevaluate my future.

But if you're playing at home, here's a hint. For the first question (it's something like, "what makes you so special?"), answer "I own every Jeremy Piven movie." He then gives you the "if you're gonna bang my assistant, just let me know" line. That means he likes you. Anyways....

- If there's one thing I've learned during my time on earth, it's that nearly every ridiculous news story gets anticipated in some way on The Onion. One of my particular favorites had a title that, paraphrased, went something like "Asshole Admits To Being Asshole In Supreme Asshole Move." Well, on Friday I had to give my uncle a ride to work and because I can't be on some conversational shit like, "oh yeah, this is that new Fennesz album. Good stuff, no?", I decided to indulge in some Philadelphia sports-talk radio with Angelo Cataldi, also known as "Sportszilla and the Jabber Jocks." For a while, it's the usual shit: creepy ideas on how to pick up women, Arlen Specter calling in, etc. And then, I get wind of the most awesome story of the year, other than my mans an' 'ems at Geno's Steaks sticking it to those damn immygants. I vaguely recall that sign being there when I was in freakin' high school. I never really took sides on the Geno's/Pat's debate, but now I think we've got a clear winner. What can I say? I'm a sucker for the cantankerous old geezer.

But you know what the best part of the whole Dallas deal was? This was on the same day when T.O. rocked a Shaq jersey to the Mavericks game. This illustrates why his signing with the Cowboys was the best thing to happen to Eagles fans; not only can we hate on him in principle, but because it's the Cowboys, we get to be extra pissed, which is all we really want anyways.

In a strange way, this whole charade makes me admire T.O. Yeah, he's an asshole, but he's being an asshole in such innovative and mindblowing ways that you have to at least appreciate it objectively. It's sort of like some guy setting the record for triples; you might not give a shit about triples, but the achievement itself is impressive. Those kids should be glad; it's the equivalent of winning a contest to meet Scott Weiland for the first time and he's on a completely different planet. Sure, it's a dick move and you probably should've seen it coming. But if you're going to be on the receiving end of such a dick move, you might as well get it from the best.

- Speaking of dick moves, I'm pretty sure the Ravens are making inroads with Baltimore's circus industry to find the right clown to sexually molest Kyle Boller. Really, if you're going to wage a five-year war to destroy the guy's self esteem, you might as well finish the job.

Better yet is the optimism of Ravens fans regarding what Steve McNair will do for them. Yeah, maybe he'll reestablish a fruitful relationship with Derrick Mason, but you have to be a pretty damn hopeless fantasy maven to know who they've got besides Todd Heap. You can get "back when he beat his wife" Warren Moon back there, and Randy Hymes still wouldn't be worth more than five points on his best week. And okay, McNair's a former MVP. Well, Daunte Culpepper was pretty good a couple of years ago, and now he's got a leg that turned into pulled pork. McNair's beaten so badly that he could show up to Ravens home games shirtless and no one would be able to tell the difference.

- You know who's not an asshole to me? Roger Clemens. This time, that is. Really, I wouldn't care either way, but the way he's been vilified by the typically clueless press for coming back to the Astros make him the lesser of two evils. Really, it's classic ESPN: for days and days, whether or not Clemens would come back was more important than the upcoming World Cup or the Stanley Cup playoffs. And now they act like he was responsible for turning his comeback into a media circus. Fantastic.

This story has been handled incredibly poorly, and I'm reminded of that every time I see someone talking about how he held the Astros "hostage." This shows a failure to understand baseball on its most fundamental level. As Brian eloquently put it, some sports play out in the manner where a thousand seemingly inconsequential events get strung together like beads on a rosary. Out of all team sports, baseball might be the most "rosary" of all, by far the most reliant on the individual. On any given play, 75% or more of the players on the field aren't doing shit. Clemens' job is to get on the mound, throw strikes and maybe question Mike Piazza's sexual preferences every now and again. Notice how guys stats go through the roof when they started playing with Steve Nash or Jason Kidd or Peyton Manning or Wayne Gretzky? Bat around a guy like Albert Pujols and you'll probably see some better pitches, but even though Roger Clemens is the best pitcher of the modern era, Morgan Ensberg doesn't start fielding better when he's out there, and Craig Biggio doesn't become a sharper hitter. Clemens does his job, but if other guys don't perform in sports' only real one-on-one outside of a penalty shot (an at-bat), it doesn't mean shit.

Compare that to, oh I dunno, Brett Favre. Quarterback is probably the most important position in all of sports, and for months, the Packers had no idea whether for the first time in over a decade, some new guy would have to learn the entire offense, develop timing with his receivers, win the respect of his teammates and a city with the most meaningful relationship to its football team in the country. They'd have to do this with a guy like Aaron Rodgers. Think of how this compares with Roger Clemens. If Clemens doesn't pitch, you get a different guy to get out there every five games. Your team won't be as good, but your playoff hopes aren't instantly dashed. Think about what it would mean to the Mets if Pedro went down and what it meant to the Eagles when McNabb got bodied. Just about every team in baseball has three starters who can at least be considered "competent." Matt Schaub stands to make millions in a year because he's one of maybe five backup QB's who won't wreck your entire season.

And let's also look at it this way: Clemens is doing the Astros an enormous favor. Okay, the money's kinda steep, but the Astros are willing to pay him, that's on them. It's not as if he was holding out over dollars and cents. Basically, unlike 31 other teams in baseball, they're getting a pitcher midseason who was at Cy Young-caliber last year and they didn't have to gut their farm system or give up players of value. Brett Favre threw about 45 INT's last year. And he sucked the year before that. And the year before that, he finished his "4th and 26" defense's job by handing over a playoff game to the Eagles. If it wasn't for Garo Yepremian, his OT heave would easily be the worst duck thrown in an important football game. And the year before that, he gave rise to the most annoying defenses of Michael Vick: he beat Brett Favre at Lambeau in the playoffs! Which is never followed up by "the Eagles handed his ass to him in two straight postseason tilts."

Considering the average sportswriter salary, it figures that they would play up the greed factor in his decision. Yeah, he might really dig a condor egg omelet one of these days. This leads me to my crowning of the most underrated asshole of all-time: Tedy Bruschi. Let's compare...

First off, I love how people are assuming that he's doing the wrong thing for his family. If I'm Cody Clemens, what's not to love about having a father who never goes on road trips and makes $21 million a year? Oh, daddy wasn't around for prom!!! :( Selfish fucking kid.

Then there's Bruschi. Dude suffered a fucking stroke before the season began. Now, thanks to Peter King, he remained sexually active, but I don't think I need to tell you a stroke's no fucking joke. I'm assuming Bruschi's earned way more money than he'll ever need and probably doesn't have to spend a dime in any Boston eating establishment. And although it's not boxing in terms of retiring to fucked up health and brain damage, football's probably a close second. So he's really got no need to rush things; just take the year (or the rest of your career off), do some commercials for automalls, spend time with the kids.

Instead, the dude comes back to play in the same fucking season, literally and stupidly putting his life on the line for the "love of the game." Maybe Arizona grads ARE that dumb after all. And although he's an important cog in the Pats system, I think we all know Bill Belichik could throw your sorry ass out there, and you'd make a decent nickelback. How is that not one of the most selfish moves in sports history?

- I have no plans on listening to the album, but I'm fairly certain "The Big Bang" will do absolutely nothing to honor New York rap. Unless it somehow left "Touch It" and "I Love My Chick" off; maybe then we can talk. While I'm sure someone has mentioned this, I find it rather fucking ironic that Bus A Bus would take it upon himself to rep on some King of NY shit. Gee, such regional pride didn't seem to be a concern when you were prolonging the life of every single shitty rap track of the past five years by showing up for the remix. I know he's got a different haircut and Barry Bonds' cook, but I'm pretty sure that was him in those Ying Yang Twins and Bonecrusher videos.

And I just think it's funny that even though T.I. named his album "King," no one says stuff like "King of Atlanta" when discussing regional supremacy. I guess "King of the South" counts. Probably have no choice, since we already decided King of New Orleans in 1996...

Cat Stevens WAS the greatest singer

i ain't pass the bar, but i know a lil' bit

2006-06-01T17:17:00.000-04:00

So, then- three days of BarBri thus far can be summed up in seven words: "wait, we have class on fucking Saturday?!?!?"

This is going to be one long, long summer. In the meantime, this is awesome. And reminiscent of a time when I had a job and could still come up with my most famous post. The coolest part about that one is how I can still receive comments like this...

you're not old enough to know what UGK has done.....youngster. I'm sure the cats you like got thier shyte from UGK at some point in time. you may know all these rappers but know nothing about the GAME. Find something else to entertain yourself....like Law!

That's right, folks...the only reason Megan dates me is because I got my style from a AK-toting, PCP addict like Pimp C. It's all starting to make sense. And by the by, I have no doubt this guy is either 19 or Tom Breihan.

Nonetheless, I still have the wherewithal to catch the end of every NBA playoff game. Lemme ask you this: doesn't it speak to the power of Tim Thomas that he is preventing me from enjoying any possibility of the Suns advancing?

On the day Aaron Rowand returned from the DL. Channel 6 news went to Citizens Bank Park and let fans yammer on and on about how he's a hero in this town, just like T.O. and Von Hayes were! This wouldn't be news, except on account of our fans repeatedly calling him "hard-nosed," Philadelphia became a lock for "least ironic city in the United States."

And yes, I went to the LAX championship on Monday. To quote my mans an' 'em Wops, it was "Utah white and Africa hot." For reals, people talk about how its 47,000+ attendance proved how lacrosse is breaking out of its "niche sport" reputation, but I'll tell you this much: it was by far the whitest thing I've ever been to. KKK rallies always have the chance that there's an undercover guy going in whiteface. An Architecture In Helsinki show? Can't discount the possibility of black hipsters. But when it comes to lacrosse, the only black people in attendance have kids on the field or won a radio contest.

he might be no romeo

2006-05-25T15:23:00.000-04:00

Episodes of "Entourage" are pretty much interchangeable when it comes to being my favorite, but the Bar Mitzvah episode sticks out in particular. For one thing, there's the fact that it's pretty much being made into its own movie (by the by, judging by the title of this article, Bob Strauss obviously has never seen "PCU"). And secondly, for a show that retains plausability by the thinnest of margins, this episode hovers closer to the edge than ever.

First off, there's the whole matter of Sloan stopping short of giving E a pack of Trojans and saying "meet me in Room 112." Not since George Costanza has there been a guy getting ass further out of his league than Eric. And secondly, we have DJ Quik as the guest master of ceremonies, surrounded by 13-year old white girls, spinning Tony Yayo album cuts. Proud moment indeed.

But is it really that unbelievable? Earlier today in Kroger, I heard the "Let's Hear It For The Boy" jam which is always jarring when heard anywhere outside of a Bar Mitzvah. Like "Get Ready For This," it's one of those songs that seems so anachronistic that it's hard to imagine a time when it was actually new. But the bigger issue is that they're not making Bar Mitzvah introduction music anymore, so as time goes on, songs like these may very well be forgotten and we'll be left with nothing but "Groupie Love" or Grandpa Munchie or whatever.

But not only will we probably never hear a song with its sentiment ever again (much like the case with Joe Public's "Live And Learn"), "Let's Hear It For The Boy" and its ilk constitute what has to be the least influential music of all time. I'm talking about "music" in a sense to mean "a popular genre that can be defined." It's one thing to say nothing was influenced by one-hit novelty wonders like Lou Bega and Right Said Fred (actually, "My Humps" is nothing if not a remake of that song's essence). But if you look at stuff like the Pointer Sisters and whatnot, I can't help but think that it's completely relegated to the dustbin of history. Just about every single genre of music, no matter how bad, always comes back in vogue. '80s synth-pop, hair metal, hippie psychedelia, swing, ol skool hip-hop, boy bands, girl bands, rap-metal, etc. They all influenced somebody. R&B of today and tomorrow will likely always take cues from Motown and modern day "baby makin' music." Luther Vandross may be consuming Krispy Kreme hamburgers in the great Zebra Lounge in the sky, but there's always gonna be someone with a name like Donell Jones doing something in that vein. But when was the last time you heard something as uptempo as "I'm So Excited" on R&B radio? Name me one song that retains any of "Let's Hear It For The Boy" or "She Works Hard For The Money"'s sonic blueprint.

Granted, the you could argue that "She Works Hard For The Money" and "I'm So Excited" have thematic influence on something like "A Woman's Work" or "Freak Like Me," but "Let's Hear It For The Boy"? You have to stretch that a bit to fit into the lineage of "Whatta Man," but "Let's Hear For It The Boy" lacks the sort of raunch that is requisite to a tribute for Treach. So in the end, the least influential song in the least influential genre of all time: "Let's Hear It For The Boy."

reppin' the t-dot

2006-05-24T11:58:00.000-04:00

'Nother review up yesterday: checkit...

In my latest rant about why obviously subpar MC's are getting shine in '06, I compared it to the NBA Draft. Some years, the #1 is LeBron, but some years the #1 is K-Mart. And some years, K-Mart seems like a sensible choice, because the guys behind him are Stro Show, Darius Miles, Marcus Fizer, Mike Miller, DerMarr Johnson and Chris Mihm. Really, check out the 2000 draft some time. You could really make the argument that Mark Madsen would be on the All-Rookie team.

Anyways, the draft is upon us now and the question is whether Toronto is better off having the #1 pick. Before we begin, there's nothing that pisses me off in draft contexts more than teams that get ragged on for "taking a guy too early." There are squads with obvious needs at point guard, and yet, they won't take Marcus Williams or whatnot because he's "not worthy" of something like the #2 pick and its attendant prestige. Dude, if it's the guy you want, fucking take him unless you somehow think he'll be around in the second round. Yeah, you should try to trade down, but I'm fairly certain it's harder to get a deal done than it looks. If Toronto really wants Brandon Roy, by all means, trade picks with the Trail Blazers straight up for a ham sandwich or something.

The problem with them getting the first pick is that in all likelihood, they'll get a guy that will make them good enough to avoid having a decent shot at Greg Oden next year. On the one hand, there's the school of thought that they're fucked. I would imagine that most teams are in it to win a championship, but out of the four major sports, the NBA is the most top-heavy. Almost every year, the best team wins it all. In other sports, you can win a championship if one or two guys step it up to a superhuman level. That's true in the NBA as well, but it's always a guy who was The Fucking Man beforehand. There's a big difference between "The Fucking Man" and a guy who's merely an All-Star. Think if the Rockets had Brad Daugherty instead of Hakeem Olajuwon, if the Lakers had Eddie Jones and Dikembe Mutombo instead of Kobe and Shaq, if the Spurs had Jamal Magloire instead of Tim Duncan. You think there'd be such a thing as Big Shot Rob?

Think back to the teams that have brought home trophies over the past couple of decades. There aren't a whole lot of them. You have to put a Hall of Famer on the court and sometimes, you might need two. The Pistons proved an exception to this rule, but then again, they beat a fundamentally fucked-up Laker team. I mean, it would be a stunning accomplishment if Megan and I were to beat Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf in doubles' tennis. But if I found out that they were getting divorced the next day, it wouldn't be quite the same.

And this year, there is no guy who's "The Fucking Man." Perhaps Adam Morrison comes close, since I'm a firm believer in picking guys who lit it up in college rather than a dude who can't even crack 20 minutes per game in a Euro league. Really, is it that fucking bad that he ended up crying after they lost to UCLA? I'd be more worried about how LaMarcus Aldridge got completely shut down against LSU. Maybe his bawling showed he isn't ready for the NBA after all since I'm convinced that close to 75% of all teams couldn't care less whether they win or lose.

But in reality, I think Toronto couldn't have picked a better year to win the lottery when there isn't a stone-cold #1. Everyone's on David Stern's dick, but he's made some colossally dumb moves. And the only thing dumber than putting a team in Toronto was putting one in Vancouver. Sure, Toronto is a bigger city than something like Sacramento, Portland or San Antonio; but for those cities, the NBA's the only game in town. Guys like Kardinal Offishall and whatnot will try to tell you that the T-Dot is "the New York City of Canada," which makes it, in essence, Salt Lake City. I'm not saying it's like the SLC culturally, just in the NBA sense that the only guys they'll ever get to play for them are dudes they drafted, white guys and Euros. Maybe this will all change under Bryan Colangelo, but when was the last time someone left the Raptors a satisfied customer?

Bosh and Villanueva are good parts, but they play pretty much the same position. And I'm not sure how long you can keep them around for; this is purely conjecture, but don't you think that if the Hawks and Knicks respectively offered them the same amount of money on the reup, they'd both leave? Thus, if you're gonna have a situation where you've got the #1 pick, it might as well be in a draft where the two choices for #1 are an Italian and a white guy who voluntarily played basketball in Spokane. It usually takes a couple of years to become The Fucking Man and a few more to get the pieces you need to surround them. At least there's a good chance that Bagnani and Morrison will stick around and become either a piece or The Fucking Man themselves. Remember the lessons of Steve Francis when it comes to playing in Canada; I doubt he'd pull the same shit if he was about to get drafted by the Supersonics.

In other white guy news, Jones on the NBA shows us why blogs exist with his 15 Worst White Ballers in NBA History post.

Also, I'd remiss to not mention how That Fucking Guy is pretty much just a distillation of Wheelhouse's breakdown on what it takes to win an NBA championship.

remember back in the days? man, those days are over

2006-05-22T11:23:00.000-04:00

First off, got some more reviews for your blogpiece: here and here.

Anyways, I've been slack on the blog front as of late, pumping out reviews and graduating and whatnot. There was a great Cohen family event when I had them try Sparks for the first time and dad thought it tasted like the stuff they give you before a colonoscopy. What a moment!

This weekend was pretty phenomenal for Virginia sports, since it happened in May, as opposed to the usually dire months in Hoo Nation (November, March). The baseball team swept Virginia Tech, and is currently ranked #6 in the country. The United States! They start off the ACC tourney as the #3 seed, up against #6 Florida State. That is a sentence I thought I would never write. Also, the lacrosse team turned in a performance that clearly inspired Vito's death scene and now heads to Philly (your boy will be there on the $35 three-day package) for Syracuse. As Orange 44 correctly points out, this rematch of 2006's best game (a 20-15 shootout win for the Hoos) is the de facto championship. Maryland? UMass? New jacks get smacked, boss. If it ain't 'Cuse, Hopkins or Princeton, you might as well be Nebraska.

In order to get back in CFB gear, I've taken the opportunity to answer the Pre-Spring BlogPoll Roundtable, courtesy of Peter "What Have I Done With The Next Three Years Of My Life?!?!?" Bean at the always-entertaining Burnt Orange Nation.

Which offseason story are you most tired of, and, on the flip side, interested in? (e.g. Reggie Bush's house, Jimmy Claussen, etc.)

Man, was 2002 that long ago? Back then, I used to grouse about how "Pardon The Interruption" made SportsCenter redundant at best and irrelevant at worst. Ever since I acquired a laptop, went to law school and found out about WIFI, I can honestly say that my internet-intensive lifestyle has now rendered "Pardon The Interruption" redundant at best and irrelevant at worst. By 3 PM of any given day, not only can I predict the exact topics that will be covered, but I can also guess pretty accurately what they're going to say.

Don't get me wrong: I still watch it, but I can tune it out. And I appreciate what it contributes even though it's responsible for Jay Mariotti and Woody Paige and Skip Bayless having TV time. Before DVDs of sitcoms became mass-produced, there was nothing worth watching at 5:30 PM in the history of television, unless you wanted to see "Rap City: The Bassment" play one video at a time. What it comes down to is that Wilbon and Kornheiser got too good at their jobs, and you can't really fiddle with their synergy too much. Especially not by having Dan LeBatard and Jason Whitlock on there as a replacement; did anyone else see that abonimation a few days ago? Tell me again how one of their topics devolved into making fun of homosexuals?

The way it is now, I rely on ESPN for my stats and hard news and the blogs fill everything else out. The thing is, if I read your blog, you probably have a keen awareness of when a story's going to be played out and how to avoid them. Thus, everything feels played out, but nothing actually is if I choose to ignore them.

This is particulalry true of college football. Sure, people are most likely to say they've wearied on Jimmy Claussen, but how much hype has he really gotten? It seems like more ink was spilled about Rasheed Wallace guaranteeing a victory in Game 4 than Claussen's signing with Notre Dame. Talk about a fucking non-story: what professional athlete isn't positive they're going to win every game they play? And besides, I think people have realized that Jimmy Claussen is not a guaranteed superstar and shouldn't be treated as such. Really, when you consider the Claussen lineage, this isn't all that different than a baseball team signing the latest Boone. Yeah, they've got a decent pedigree, but certainly not one of greatness.

But yes, the Notre Dame thing is getting tiresome, but what else is ESPN supposed to do? And by the way, after seeing "The Sopranos" last night, Michigan fans can rest assured one of their guys is a writer. If you paid attention, you know what I'm talking about. At least it's not Ohio State that the Worldwide Leader is going on about; ESPN spends countless hours on Saturday trying make us care about Big Ten teams nobody should give a shit about. This one might run the table.

There's plenty that can be said Charlie Weis and the resurrection of the program or even how much you can't stand Notre Dame, but let's face it: when it comes to their national championship possibilities, we're left with the question Phife Dawg gave us on "Beats, Rhymes & Life" (which wasn't up to typical Tribe snuff, but would easily be a top-three rap album of 2006)- "will Laura fuck Urkel?" The answer was an unequivocal "never," followed up by some shout out to his peeps in Oklahoma. And notice it's Urkel, not Stephon Urquelle, so don't be a wiseass.

As I'm A Realist pointed out, you could make the argument that Notre Dame's most impressive win of 2005 was against Navy and probably be right. Their most impressive game was against USC, but you know, UVA put up a pretty valiant effort against Miami. To get to 9-3, repeat 9-3, Notre Dame beat the worst Tennessee, Purdue, Syracuse, Washington and Michigan teams of recent memory. We're talking about winning a national championship here, and there's a chance that they might not make it out of their first week. Say what you will about Chan Gailey, but Tech has proven they can bring 'em out for the season's jumpoff. Then there's Penn State (they're not falling that far off), Michigan (possible preseason Top-Ten) and Michigan State (beat 'em last year). Did I mention that those games are consecutive? Add to that games against UCLA a dangerous UNC team and some other guys named the Trojans and you've got what amounts to a Big Ten schedule with an unconscionably tough OOC slate. And these days, nobody gets out of the Big Ten unscathed.

As for what I'm not tired of, really, the moment the last BCS bowl ends, there's only one thing worth discussing. I'm not just talking about college football; I'm saying only one thing is worthy of discussion, period. In any topic. And this year, it's got Reggie Bush on the cover.

NCAA Football is sorta like the Radiohead to Madden's U2; one's vastly more popular, but the other has a psychotically intense following. And I'd say that NCAA is more important, because its release always coincides with the patchiest stretch of sports of the year. The pre-release shipping date is July 18th, which is a week later than it was released last year and one week before the California Bar Exam which is a frightening thought. By then, the World Cup will have been over for a week and the NBA Draft will have come and gone. For over a month, all we have is fucking baseball. We need to create an alternate reality.

It's saying something when a video game can nearly give you the shakes in anticipation. And really, I can't even remember the last big innovation that NCAA Football included. The whole "Race for the Heisman" thing was kinda neat, but the fact that they let you walk on wherever you wanted was akin to not having the computer turn down trades in the NHL Series. It just means that much to me to have the new rankings and rosters, I guess. If you check out EDSBS, they've got the scoop on how EA Sports expanded the playbook with all sorts of mindblowing formations that will push any and every iota of law knowledge out of my skull. And go ahead and check this joint about the XBox 360 version. It almost makes buying the thing just to play NCAA 2007 seem plausible (keep in mind that I originally bought a PS2 and NCAA 200-the-one-with-Joey-Harrington-on-the-cover was the only game I had for a pretty long time). EA Sports has satellites? I'm assuming that UVA's one of the 70 schools they did the imaging for, and my first year dorm was most certainly within two miles of the stadium...will I be able to see some new kid's "OK Computer" poster?

Your head coach comes down with a mystery illness and has to step aside. You get to hand pick the replacement for the 2006 season. Who gets your vote?

As Joey posited, I'm not sure I couldn't do this job myself. I guess we'll find out when EA Sports releases "NFL Head Coach," which I am genuinely intrigued by. I'm an NFL fan for sure, but I never feel as if buying Madden would not be redundant. I gotta hand it to EA: this takes the most fun aspect of their games (the dynasty part) and turns it into a legitimately new paradigm in sports video gaming (I'm fairly certain the soccer versions of this are Euro-only).

Then again, it looks like a good deal of college coaching involves getting people to class and out of trouble, and I'm not sure I can handle that. If a Hoo's gonna beat up a frat boy, they're gonna beat up a frat boy, and I certainly don't want to raise the chances of it being me.

I'll digress from my prepared remarks and talk about graduation for a little bit (trust me, there's a reason). While graduating is joyous, the actual act of graduation is most certainly not. When you boil it down to its essence, it's two hours of sitting in the Georgia sun in the middle of May in a heavy black robe. There isn't much to do to pass the time; yeah, you could show up drunk, but that will inevitably lead to you passing out (once again, Georgia is hot in May). While I imagine that doing so will make you all kinds of legendary in some corners, it's probably not the best idea when you consider how incestuous the legal community really is. If it's undergrad graduation, by all means, get stinko. That's what I did. These days, I'm not so much up for binge drinking of horribly made screwdrivers at 8 AM...outside of football season.

So what can you do to pass the time? Well, you can rue the fact that you didn't run to Chick Fil-A before you had to show up for graduation so you could sell breakfast sandwiches to your hungover classmates for $8 a pop. And you can rue the fact that your family isn't black; it's a scientific fact that every single black student got twenty times the cheers of the average white student, except for that one white guy whose family brought pots and pans. You can hope that one of the LLM students is from Kazakhstan (and one of them was! Nearly every person I'm friends with in law school probably made the same joke when the head of that program announced this fact. Easily the highlight of the ceremony). But mostly, you can wonder why they brought in Johnny Isakson and what he could possibly tell you about your life that would justify you sweating your ass off. Really, Ice Cube was in town the night before...would anyone be opposed to getting him up there? Isn't it supposed to be about the graduates?

Anyways, I gotta hand it to Isakson: he brought his speech A-game. One of the things he talked about was how proud of himself he felt when he got asked to be the guest speaker at law school graduation. But then, he thought back to his graduations and realized that he could remember every single detail about the affairs...except who spoke and what they said. This won me over, because while I remember the coked-out DKE behind me drinking a forty (possibly the worst idea in the history of ever), I can't remember who spoke (it might've been Mark Warner) or what he said. Behind me at graduation was someone who was a member of the UVA class of 2002 and I asked him who spoke. He didn't know either. In short, I can feel good knowing that my inability to recall this stuff wasn't so much because I was drunk so much as it was that these things are nearly interchangeable.

The same thing goes with UVA football seasons, which are possibly the most interchangeable in all of the NCAA (maybe except for Buffalo). Only at gunpoint can I remember the specifics about the 1999 and 2000 seasons. Sure, I was drunk most of college, but that doesn't change the fact that we've been in a 6-8 win/second or third tier bowl holding pattern for what seems like the better part of the past two decades. It certainly could be worse; we could be in a Wake Forest-style holding pattern where bowl bids always seem to be cruelly out of reach. But I'd say if Al Groh were given the axe, we should take the opportunity to shift gears a bit and I think I know exactly the guy.

You see, the way things are, UVA sends a couple of guys to the pros and they end up being solid contributors. Really, this isn't all that exciting, since it inevitably brings up the "how come they couldn't win with these guys" article about the Cavaliers. The problem is, the program never seems to develop the depth needed to push things to the next level. The strengths of the program seem to shift year after year; who would've thought that going into 2006, there'd be no concern whatsoever concerning the receiving corps and yet, the offensive line and linebacker position are huge question marks? Really, I could give a shit about whether or not Virginia graduates do well in the pros; just win on the level that matters.

And that's why I'm advocating bringing in Mike Leach, who was kind of my idol even before we found out how obsessive he is about pirates. Okay, so he's known for a different kind of holding pattern, but hey- it's different. Although his gunslinging style seems more of a geographic fit for the badlands of Lubbock than Charlottesville, you don't think Hoo fans would warm to 9-3 and a Cotton Bowl-equivalent year after year? Aaron Brooks and Matt Schaub couldn't get us to anything better than the Peach Bowl; who cares if we institute a new system where QB's are fungible goods, so long as we get more results? To be quite honest, in spite of how much they're paying Groh, no UVA fan has realistic expectations of a national championship. You don't win these things unless football's in your school's blood, and it's tough to say that this is the case for Virginia. Sure, we bring the pain on the Sears circuit, but there's just not the culture or financial commitment to get it done. Speaking of fan culture, that takes us to question three...

Lastly, we'll mix the football and the blogging together here. If you could have anyone switch allegiances and start covering your team, who you gonna pick?

The obvious route would be to look at the Georgia and Michigan blocs of blogs. While it seems like they crush the competition in sheer blogger numbers, none of them are superfluous. There's a system of checks and balances; on the BlogPoll, I'm the only voice that's straight-up UVA. DaveSez, while a great and informative blog, appears to be more of an ACC blog with a slight UVA lean. And even in Atlanta, I can't see all of the games; like I said last time, I don't care about the demand for UVA blogs. Just give me the supply.

What I'm looking for are free agents. And the best fit I can think of is Jerry's Wheelhouse. "Drinking and elitism"- that's what it takes to be a UVA blogger. Moreover, they're knowledgeable, snarky and have an excellent bullshit detector. The problem is, it looks like all they have to rep as of now is William & Mary and Rutgers. This would be like hiring Jim Larranaga.

- In other news, Bol points out how no hip-hop album was in the Top Ten of Billboard this past week. While we've gone on and on about how hip-hop is dying artistically, at least it always sold well. And I can't think of there being an end in sight; people are hyped up about Lupe Fiasco and Rhymefest, but I can't see these guys really pushing Usher numbers. I like the Rhymefest album (I have to listen to it more before I give the review); he's sort of doing the "Kanye when he was likeable" thing with more of a skill set. And let me just throw this out there: Kanye's rapping was not why "Late Registration" fell short of its enormous hype. It was the overbearing musicality of the thing. Just listen to "Bring Me Down" and you'll know what I mean.

When it comes down to it, Kanye's has more memorable lines than T.I., Lil' Wayne and Young Jeezy combined. Doesn't that count for something any more? You'd love to ride out on this guy, but the last paragraph is dead on. Of course, it doesn't help when this guy is (I think) an A&R at Atlantic. He's not a mountain climber, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't play an electric guitar, but this was the shit GZA was talking on some album that seemingly no one with any pull in the industry gives a shit about.

It doesn't matter that they don't have skills as people in the blog world know 'em. I used to be with it, and then they changed what it was. And what is it is weird and creepy to me. Memorable rap lyrics are not at a premium right now, and "The Big Bang" sure as shit ain't gon' change that.

And Lupe's a strong MC, but I think he's a little too dry for most palettes. Once again, I have to give "Food & Liquor" more of a listen, but this seems to be on some Gang Starr shit, where you can't fuck with the technique or the sentiments, but it doesn't feel all that exciting.

To me, it seems like the problem is that the whole world of hip-hop is being put on hold in a concerted effort to make Rick Ross famous. I mean, I understood the millions of dollars that were funneled into "The Documentary"; I'm not saying it should've happened, but I understand. While it certainly didn't create a good precedent, The Game's story was certainly marketable. But Rick Ross? Is there anyone whose opinions on hip-hop you care about that thinks he's something other than some asshole with a LeBron beard repping a city that even its own citizens couldn't give two shits about? At least when Trick Daddy stepped up for the 305, he had guys like Warren Sapp and Edgerrin James in his videos. Rick Ross gets Fat Joe to wipe off his T-shirt for what seems like a whole minute and is most certainly the most uncomfortable image in music videos in 2006.

Don't even get me started on "Hustlin'." Say what you will about "Still Tippin'," but that was a song that at least let you in on what a city's sound was like and it happened to have the best verses Slim Thug and Paul Wall will probably ever come up with. A rap song on the radio named "Hustlin'" by some guy you've never heard of is the equivalent of a pop song on the radio by some guy you've never heard of named "Beautiful"; you can assume it sucks and be correct 99.9% of the time.

- If George Bush had any responsibility whatsoever for this, his approval rating should be at 98%, the 2% being Honda employees, Gwen Stefani and bloggers with a brown girl fetish (just so long as she isn't black) and fundamentally awful taste in music. I like the whole "collaborating with Timbaland" thing. Not only does it prove that he's pretty much tapped out, but it goes with my original thoughts on M.I.A.: she's Nelly Furtado after two years of college (even though Nelly Furtado is like, what, 42?). Except M.I.A. never made a song as good as "On The Radio."

- Lastly, is there anything that's more of a foregone conclusion than overwhelming critical praise for the new Dixie Chicks CD? I'm not saying whether it will deserve it or not; but it'll certainly get it.

sexy results! review- cam'ron, "killa season"

2006-05-17T13:05:00.000-04:00

So, you just finished learning for the rest of your life, but most of your PlayStation2 games bore you. How to kill the time? Well, for situations like these, I present the Cam'ron "Killa Season" drinking game. Here's your instructions: drink every time Cam or the rest of the Dips say something redonkulously ignant.

Since it technically gets released today (I'm hearing that the DVD that comes with it isn't the actual "Killa Season" movie, which means Best Buy isn't getting a call from me), I think I'll just go ahead and get you started with my track-by-track review of it. It's not something I typically do, but for whatever reason, I see this as a more appropriate way to review rap albums...here goes...

"Killa Cam (Intro)"

Yes, this is the first time I've seen a rapper use completely different songs with the same title on consecutive albums since Master P put "Let's Get 'Em" on both "Ghetto D" and "MP Da Last Don." Anyways, don't let that title fool you: the first guy who's featured on "Killa Season" is 40 Cal, who isn't particularly good at making rap songs. To paraphrase what Joey said, he makes you feel bad for the English language. Halfway through, Cam does his typical intro rap over what sounds like something that was pulled from a mid-period Bone Thugs album. Hey, between this and "Ridin'," we might get that Bone Thugs Resurrection after all!

"He Tried To Play Me"

You've probably heard this one by now, and frankly, it's one of my favorite songs of the year. As was the case with "In Those Jeans" or "Trapped In The Closet," I just wonder how many takes Cam had to do before he was able to get through his singing part without cracking up. The best part is how Hell Rell gets on here to sing for, like, five seconds. It's completely unnecessary and ridiculous, but then again, this song is so ridiculous it might as well have been made on another planet. I'd like to think those piano licks were used for the end credits of "Killa Season." A lot of people will probably call this the most bizarre Cam'ron song of all time, but this has got nothing on "Daydreamin'." Go back and listen to it and tell me that Cam would go anywhere near something like that these days.

"Leave You Alone"

Another chipmunk soul sample? Really? This isn't even a particularly good one either, just one of those yelpy joints that doesn't say any actual words. There isn't even a hook on this track, which leads me to believe that it was an unfinished outtake from "Come Home With Me." This joint makes your average "Diplomatic Immunity 2" cut look well-scripted.

"Living A Lie"

Nobody ad-libs over themselves quite like Cam. Let me rephrase that- nobody ad-libs over themselves as much as Cam. C'mon, dude...you've got about twenty-five hypemen. Let them earn their money. I always wanted to sit in on one of those sessions, just to see Cam vibe out and say "actin'," "Oscars" and whatnot every couple of seconds.

"We Make Change"

We all remember "Aayoo Iight" from "Diplomatic Immunity 2," right? It was just me? Here was a throwaway line from it:

I make change ye, I slang y, to the sound of merengue like eyeyeyeyeyeye
Aand I bomb like La Bamba
With bombers, send bombers
To bomb ya with bombs in they bomber

That's the hook on this song. Genius. Anyways, this is the one track with Juelz on the CD, and he sounds like someone who's very much aware that associating with Cam'ron at this point will get you a one-way ticket to Koch Records. Needless to say, it's no "More Gangsta Music."

"Voicemail (Interlude)"

I'm assuming every one else can't actually hear what's going on during this, right? And it's two minutes long! Sometimes I wonder whether Cam'ron actually listened to this in full before shipping it out.

"Wet Wipes"

Finally, one of those beats that Cam'ron and only Cam'ron was meant to abuse. One question, though- "5'6", 150- I need all of you"? Damn, Killa- she probably weighs more than you! And I'm still not sure why "go get your wet wipes" is the hook. Am I missing something? Still, this is primo Cam.

"Touch It Or Not"

Music videos have tought me that singer-songwriters come about their material by playing their guitars on a lazy weekend afternoon with a pencil and paper handy. How did Killa Cam decide, "you know what? I want to write a song about getting head. That's what I need on this album"? This joint also features Lil' Wayne, who once again is trying way too hard. Appropriately, I think of him like Vince Carter, someone with talent who looks kinda foolish trying to take the game over. It becomes clear on this song that there hasn't been a joint like "Oh Boy" or "Down And Out" to win over those who could care less about DipSet, which is an enormous percentage of people who don't spend most of their time on the interwebs.

"War"

Hell Rell: "I don't need no Cam, I don't need you, Jim..." That is in no way a true statement. Still, it's pretty good as far as shit-talking album tracks go.

"Triple Up"

Is that 40 Cal or did Killer Mike join DipSet? I'm fairly certain I'm not the only one who heard him say "white jury" and knew immediately he'd rhyme it with "white jewelry." Like before, pretty good as far as shit-talking album tracks go. Oddly enough, it appears as if "Killa Season" is stronger in the midsection that "Purple Haze," which needs to stop being called an end-to-end classic. Don't get me wrong: it's one of my favorite rap albums of the last couple of years, and "Fishscale" might be the only one I've written more about, but if we cored its center, would anyone be crying over the loss of "Harlem Streets," "Girls" or "Soap Opera"?

"I.B.S."

Das EFX's "Loosies" came out over a decade ago, so it's been a long time coming for a prominent rap artist to let us in on his bowel movements. "You Can Never Feel My Pain" this is not.

"Get Ya Gun"

"This is fun, n****. You should run, n****. Get ya, get ya, get ya, get ya gun n****." DipSet all day, every day.

"White Girls"

Easily the best beat on the album, but anyone with any sort of familiarity with modern rap music knows this song isn't about being in the building with the Olsen twins and the Hilton sisters. It'd be a lot better if it was.

"Girls, Cash & Cars"

There are few ways to convey artistic exhaustion more obviously than having a song called "Girls, Cash & Cars." Either that or pretty much reusing the same exact beat from "Get 'Em Girls." This will not get the boasters boastin' or computers putin'.

"Do Ya Thing (Remix)"

Cam'ron rhymes about nothing for three minutes over a Earth, Wind & Fire beat that sounds like the "shops at Marshall's" current version of the group than the version that gets shown on VH1 classic with twenty-five coked up people in costumes on stage at the same time. And yes, my mom got to meet the band once and she realized one of the guy's wives was someone she saw at Marshall's all the time.

"Get 'Em Daddy (Remix)"

"They say beauty's in the eye of the beholder. That's why I look in the mirror every morning and realize how fly I am." That line was one of 2005's highlights. The remix doesn't contain it. Worthless.

"Something New"

A rather brazen remake of "Hey Ma," except Hell Rell makes Juelz Santana look like a Mensa member. I didn't like this joint when it had Jaheim on it, but I did like how Cam talked about making a full-on collabo with him called "Best Of Both Hoods." Because that idea really worked out before.

"You Gotta Love It"

I stand by what I said before. This has not aged well.

"Love My Life"

"I never claimed to be hard, tough- no homo." This is how the "for the children" song begins. Later on, "that's why my dudes love me. I let them do them." Let's face it, it's for more interesting to wonder whether Cam's been up in those johnnycakes than actually listening to this album.

Final verdict

I said before that "Purple Haze," while nowhere near "Supreme Clientele" levels of awesomeness, was in the same vein of being a cult classic rap album released on a major label (seemingly a oxymoron). This is "Bulletproof Wallets"; flossy, inconsistent, confused and probably not the same CD that Cam'ron listened to before it got shipped off for pressing. I understand that he's not an artiste and could care less about making a five-mic (when that meant something) classic, but the "Killa Season" album doesn't appear to be crafted anymore carefully than the "Killa Season" movie.

sexy results! review- snow patrol, "eyes open"

2006-05-17T11:10:00.000-04:00

The reviews begin once again in earnest...

Snow Patrol- "Eyes Open"

I can't find the post in which I wrote it, but I compared the NFL to a giant sorority, down to the dress code; in essence, the variations between its constituents are surface deep. I'll probably do a league-wide comparison as a season preview, but as of now, I'm pretty sure the Colts are the one with an eating disorder and the Eagles are the mouthy know-it-all. And since the Steelers had a few interesting wrinkles in their offensive playbook, I compared them to the girl who's quirky enough to like Wilco. I would say Snow Patrol belongs in that category as well. Not that they're anywhere near as good as Wilco or indie by any stretch of the imagination, but they're the kind of band that's probably heartening to find on a Facebook profile because it shows the girl's willing to dig a little deeper than Coldplay.

And we're certainly gonna see a spike in Snow Patrol popularity for a couple of reasons. The first is how they posted up heavy during the three hours of the "Grey's Anatomy" season finale. "Somewhere A Clock Is Ticking" (probably their best song) got played at the end of Part I and the last portion featured "Cars Crashing" from the new album. Why they couldn't use "How To Be Dead" for Denny remains to be seen. Thank you. The 9:30 show is completely different than the 7:30. And why not "Chocolate" for Burke? I think the whole "he twisted out Christina until she fell asleep and proceeded to be a bitch about it" angle proves once and for all that he's actually a white guy dipped in chocolate. Even if he's a surgeon and a bookworm, he should at least be familiar with "Ice Cream," which might be the best rap song ever made (and I ain't talking about the Sara McLachlan version); when Ghost said "I'm high-powered, put Adina Howard to sleep," he wasn't talking about coming through with a bottle of Lunesta and a Sigur Ros B-sides collection.

While we're at it, let's talk about the finale. I realize "Grey's Anatomy" is probably more plausible than "House," but it still requires the occasional suspension of disbelief. And by the by, doesn't it seem these days like plots for "House" are written thirty minutes after the past week's "Grey's Anatomy" ends? Okay, I know you need a season finale shocker, but House getting shot?!?! From the way these shows tell it, you're better off at the Source Awards than a freakin' hospital. If you're gonna get shot, it might as well be at a hospital, but at the Source Awards, you're only getting stabbed. Let's just hope House gets patched up in time to cut out the middleman on Cutty Buddy's search for a sperm donor.

Anyways, the amount of suspension of disbelief that I needed for the last hour of "Grey's Anatomy" could keep the Golden Gate Bridge up, and that's before the whole deal with Callie and Meredith at the end. A prom?!?!? A freakin' prom?!!?!? Well played, Chief. As Ice Cube once said, "how bad can a piece of ass be?" Pretty bad, as homeboy had to turn Seattle Grace into a Red Roof Inn conference hall for a bunch of high school kids who were willing to move the whole shebang for one freakin' kid. How could this possibly be pulled off in a hospital, especially since Seattle apparently has some mass injury event twice a week? Or maybe it was too painful to see what happened to Finn, since Meredith went with him solely as a means of getting nasty with He-Shephard. That's pretty much how my junior prom went down.

But back to Denny, I guess we all knew that this "strong, virile horse of a man" would be getting sent to the glue factory. And that's totally what Alex would say if I wrote for the show. I'm worried "The Sopranos" will turn out like this; we know who's gonna die, and it's important in the scheme of things, but it's a little disappointing to see it coming so clearly. I'm torn on whether Denny dying is a good thing. On one hand, while he was alive, he proved why "She Watch Channel Zero" is the easiest song to agree with in history. But now that he's dead, he never had the chance to prove that he's got unlikeable traits, as every other character on the show did. I'm not sure why he was so likeable to begin with; seemed like a good dude and all, but all we ever saw him do is sit on his ass, alternate between making crude jokes and feeling sorry for himself, and having an irrepressible need to fondle young, pert breasts...how is he any different than your Uncle Chester? I just wonder if he's married in real life, because if not, he needs to clear his schedule for a couple of months. Getting the role of Denny was like winning the White Bitch Lottery. At this juncture, Jack Johnson and Jeremy Bloom would be handcuffing their broads if Jeffrey Dean Morgan walked into the room.

Back to Snow Patrol, they were on the verge with "Final Straw," which appears to have sold more records than I knew about. It was a purchase I made during the second semester of first year, when I was willing to drop cash on any CD that I was interested in as a way of distracting myself from the misery of 1L being. Plus, I was afraid that SoulSeek would fuck up my computer. Times have obviously changed. But anyways, "Final Straw" isn't a regrettable addition, but it never seems to be as good as I remember it being. If you're looking for wan Britpop, you could do a lot worse, and it's got some pretty neat jack-in-the-box production, but it's never really greater than the sum of its parts.

I imagine "Eyes Open" will certainly find itself an audience, becuase most of the songs sound exactly like "Spitting Games" or "Run." Except for "Make This Go On Forever," which as one review accurately pointed out, sounds like Andrew Lloyd Webber covering "The Chain." And that's the best song here! And if "Run" was the first song I heard from "Final Straw," there's no way I ever would've bought it. Not that they were particularly edgy before this album, but they make Keane sound like sex freaks. Mostly, it's the aural tribute to the "I know I said that...but what I meant is..." argument you might have with your significant other. It figures that emotional turmoil is the default position for white people in relationships, and it goes on from there. It doesn't even give you the catharsis of being a devastating breakup record. It just makes relationships feel like working in an office or something.

In fact, you might as well not even bother comparing them to Coldplay, because they're more in the league of Starsailor at this point. And besides, I listened to "X&Y" the other day, and it's probably better than I've given it credit for. If anyone else did the lyrics, it might actually be quite good ("Fix You" might be the most egocentric thing you'll hear outside of a Cam'ron album). The reason for this reappraisal was that my boss from the summer was giving me my last exam, and I figured that to overcome her, I have to think like her. As a upwardly mobile white woman, she loved "X&Y." To be more accurate, she loved "Swallowed By The Sea," which is by far the worst song on the album. Our stereo in the office never really went above 4 (even though I controlled it), but when she did drop in with a mood to listen to music, "Swallowed By The Sea" would be up at 8 or so. It's just hard to believe that someone with her intelligence that's an actual music fan could find beauty in a song that rhymes the following words in order: "tree, me, see"; "shelf, yourself, myself"; "song, long, belong"; "down, around, found"; "line, dry, I"; "size, eyes, realize"; "book, shook, took." Well, she is a she...

So in the end, Snow Patrol got some fame, ditched an important member and made an album that puts them squarely in the position of being the Brit Goo Goo Dolls. I don't even know why I'm talking about this CD. And then there's the most stomach-churning moment on record in 2006, when Guy Lightbody references listening to Sufjan Stevens' "Chicago." It's usually a bad idea to hijack a better artists' mystique to create your own, but there's just something about a Scottish guy saying "soof-yan" that's blood-curdling. But really, if a girl you're into happens to be into Snow Patrol, that's probably a good sign. And all comments from porn sites aside, I'm almost certain my female readership is a class of one, so I feel comfortable assuming it's a girl you're after.

never as tired as when i'm waking up

2006-05-16T09:20:00.000-04:00

Ian writes album reviews...go here for the first joint I gave a better grade than C+ to. It's one of my top-ten thus far in this particularly dire year of 2006, and since I get asked about this kind of stuff, if you want to use a Pitchfork grade equivalency, on Metacritic, our B+'s turn into "83." And go here if you like to read about Kool Keith side projects.

I'll be honest: ever since I got the extended cable package from Charter that includes the MTV Jams channel, I have no motivation whatsoever to watch MTV proper. This might not be a good thing from a critical standpoint- I write about music and popular culture, and yet, I have little idea of what is actually popular. People talk about Pitchfork and Stylus and Stereogum and whatnot occupying the new frontier of music writing, and in a way, they do. But while there are people wondering whether it's still cool to like Clap Your Hands Say Yeah anymore even though they don't have a fucking record deal, I bet you were unaware that Godsmack had the #1 album in the country a few weeks ago. Godsmack. First off, it's still difficult to believe the fact that a group so indebted to Alice In Chains had the nerve to actually call themselves Godsmack and not be an actual cover band. I mean, if you're a label that had to get a Young Jeezy clone as quickly as possible, you wouldn't call him Yung Joc would you?

But the larger point is that a band like Godsmack can prove just how out of touch I really am. And watching MTV today in between channel flips just sealed the deal. In particular, Angels & Airwaves did. Outside of the Metacritic "upcoming releases" calendar, I've never heard of this band. But then I see their video on MTV, and it turns out that it's Tom DeLonge's side project. Which leads me to ask: is there anything funnier than Blink-182's (I refuse to make that a lower-case name) ongoing quest for artistic credibility?

Before I get to all of that, I just gotta say how funny it is when a band tries to shift gears and realize they clearly regret their name. As much as I love the Drive-By Truckers, I have to imagine that they'd probably think twice about calling themselves that if they had a second chance. Same goes for "Metallica," or any band with the word "kids" or "ska-" in there.

But as for Blink-182, I think it speaks volumes about the climate of our culture that they're allowed to spawn more pointless spinoffs than DipSet in the name of "artistic seriousness." Did you actually hear their self-titled album? Just look at some of these reviews and keep in mind people probably got paid to write them! Now, one thing I appreciate about Blink-182 is the fact that they're largely responsible for Jimmy Eat World's fame. If one of the dudes didn't hire JEW to play his wedding and constantly pimp them in the press, odds are I wouldn't have heard of "Bleed American," which is fucking awesome. But while all sorts of people were amazed at Blink's progression, no one bothered to mention that the album ripped off every studio trick from "Clarity," which is also awesome. "Blink-182" was not, and anyone who talked about the band's "maturity" and "artistic growth" is clearly reviewing straight from their press sheet. You remember "I Miss You," right? I realize it's a little more nuanced than, say, "Dammit" or "Rock Show," but discovering a flanger pedal and tuning your guitar down doesn't mean you've created "Pet Sounds" all of a sudden.

It's quite hard to figure out which guy annoys me more, but I have to say Travis Barker's got quite the headstart. First off, fuck him for thinking he's Neil Peart. Secondly, fuck him for being the worst wannabe rock star this side of Dave Navarro. Thirdly, fuck all the T.I. dickriders who fail to mention how his drumwork completely sucks on "You Know Who" (yes, that's Travis Barker on a T.I. album). And finally, fuck him for giving his kid a fucking mohawk. Really, did he ask him about this before they went to the barber shop? What kind of shaky-ass parenting is that?

But mostly, fuck him for the music. I'm thinking of Boxcar Racer here. Remember the last song on Built To Spill's "There's Nothing Wrong With Love" that goes "I feel so lost inside/where do I hide?" Who would've thought that would be the most influential track from the entirety of the '90s? Boxcar Racer owes their entire career to twenty seconds of music. And then there was the Transplants, which inspired Rancid to be a freakin' gangsta rap act even though they're the Black Crowes of punk music. Except they never wrote a song as awesome as "Remedy."

Anyways, now that I've gotten that out of the way, let's get back to Angels & Airwaves. I'll just lay it out for ya: Tom DeLonge, in addition to having a worse haircut than George from "Grey's Anatomy," now thinks he's in U2. I'm not making this up: Blink-182 spinoff that sounds like U2, and there are jobs at stake and millions of dollars invested so people can hear the results. Why even bother trying at this point? I used to think the "Lean With It, Rock With It" video represented our cultural nadir. And by the way, it's not like I'm an authority on this, but do black folks watch that and think to themselves, "this is setting us back 50 years"? Well, for white folks, it's Angels & Airwaves.

Or better yet, read this and try to resist throwing yourself off the highest building you can find. Maybe one day it will intersect with Pimp C Boulevard or something.

they just fans like deniro and wesley

2006-05-06T15:46:00.000-04:00

Unlike the case with the University of Virginia, I don't feel particularly compelled to defend the city of Philadelphia: I was born there out of circumstance, not choice. And moreover, I associate the city with a summer of girlfriendless study for the California Bar Exam. You might get a kick out of seeing all the short, busty, dark-haired JAPs in their summer clothes at Penn, but not me, brah. You should see the SDTs try to exist at UGA. What a riot.

Anywas, most of the complaints levied about the Illadelph are true to a certain extent, and the truth is, my only bulletproof defense of the city is "at least we're not Baltimore." But there's one thing that'll always make me ride for its cause: lazy journalism. With Barry Bonds coming to Citizens Bank Park, I was more than prepared for the usual tropes they throw out there when describing how truly awful Philadelphia sports fans are. But really, are we that bad? Is our cartoon-esque churlishness that much worse than the "cursed but entitled" dichotomy Boston fans try to flip? What about New York fans thinking that every sport will suffer if their team isn't the center of the universe? The Miami fans, who were able to get all their fans wearing white for a Heat playoff game because it took place before Labor Day?

In essence, we care too much. And it's easy to understand why: out of all cities with four major sports teams, Philadelphia's gone the longest without a championship. Even a city like Chicago, where all five teams have historically woeful track records (I'm talking post-SB era Bears), they luck up with MJ and Walter Payton and the White Sox. Tampa Bay's won two championships in the 21st century to the joy of absolutely nobody. Denver, San Antonio, New Jersey, Toronto, Minnesota...why them and not us? I mean, even Cleveland gets to watch LeBron for the next decade and the Sabres sure made the Flyers look less inept by scoring seven goals last night.

And it's not like things are particularly bright on the horizon. I'm almost certain the Eagles will win the NFC East again. I don't feel like explaining why right now, but trust me. But I don't see them as a Super Bowl winner. Yet. Meanwhile, the Sixers are making moves as short-sighted as the Knicks and don't even have the courtesy to be colossally bad. And although we used to rely on the Flyers for some modicum of hope, but they gave up more points per game in the playoffs than the Phillies did. And even though the Phils finally look like they're better than the Braves, the Mets are playing out of their minds in spite of Billy Wagner's best efforts.

But let's get the real facts behind the cliches put forth in this typically blase writeup:

- These fans will always be remembered for booing Santa Claus during halftime of an Eagles game during a 2-12 season in 1968.

First off, here's the situation: at one point during the season, the Eagles stood at 0-11. Yes, that's phenomenally bad, but with one silver lining: this put them in pole position to get a certain tailback by the name of Orenthal. Just to prove how much God hates the Eagles, they somehow pull off a two-game winning streak, which instead gives them the #2 pick, which they used to select LeRoy Keyes.

Such frustration was bound to come to a boil, and it did on the last game of the season, when the Eagles were in the process of losing at home to the Minnesota Vikings. For the halftime show, the Eagles decided to put on a Christmas Pageant, and they literally pulled some guy out of the stands to play Santa. A skinny guy. All things told, the Eagles fans weren't booing the actual Santa Claus, just an incredibly shitty version of it. We booed Ja Rule and Ashanti when they did halftime at the 2003 NFC Championship. What's the difference really? This shows why frisbee dogs or pee-wee football is the only acceptable halftime show.

- They once cheered the temporary paralysis of Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Michael Irvin...

Once again, this requires a choice Simpsons quote:

Selma (in re Sideshow Bob): He tried to kill me on our honeymoon!

Lawyer: How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now? (a few hands hesitantly go up)...Be honest! (many more hands go up)

Patty: Aw, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.

Philadelphia fans don't necessarily cheer every injury. For example, when Bears wideout Wendell Davis tore both of his ACLs when he caught a seam in the Veterans Stadium turf, there was no cheering. Mostly because it was one of the most horrific injuries in the history of football. But in the week before the Cowboys were to play the Eagles, Irvin got busted with coke and hookers in his hotel room and his alibi was that neither of those were his. Say word! Anyways, if you weren't gonna cheer the ending of Michael Irvin's football career, you're a better man than I am, and probably a liar.

- ...tossed batteries at J.D. Drew...

Okay, imagine if the Eagles, and not the Chargers had the 1st pick in the 2004 NFL Draft and it played out exactly the same otherwise. Now tell me, who would feel safer playing QB for the Giants at Lincoln Field: Zacarias Moussaoui or Eli Manning?

That's the long and short of the story of J.D. Drew, the Scott Stapp of baseball. Really, what is it with the God-fearing Florida State alums who become giant assholes once they come into some money? In J.D. "Promise Ring" Drew's case, I understand since he had to go through FSU and remain a virgin. Stapp, if his "Behind The Music" was to be believed, was forceably sexed up by multiple sorority girls at the same time.

- ...and always give their own players a hard time when they fail to deliver in clutch situations or appear to not give an all-out effort.

Yeah, dude- those Colombians said we were mad fucked up, brah!

Is this really a criticism? Would there be an internet without people giving players a hard time when they don't play like professional athletes? Where would we be without the opportunity to talk shit to a multi-millionaire without repercussions? We wouldn't have this classic, I'll tell you that:

"They can do whatever they want. I'll still be eating steak every night."

- Von Hayes, on Phillies fans.

So, long story short, put yourself in our shoes. We're not more classless than the rest of y'all; we just get better opportunities to express ourselves.

no new wave, no fun

2006-05-03T11:08:00.000-04:00

Lots of great shit on the interwebs as of late...

This has the potential to be the greatest blog ever made.

Speaking of which, the new tagline for Stewart Mandel's latest piece: the 'bag rolls on for another season. I couldn't have put it better myself.

Your boy's review of Mobb Deep's latest back-alley abortion at Stylus. A couple of choice lines got axed, and I originally gave it a D-, but the spirit of the piece is pretty well intact.

Speaking of Stylus, just about everything we're putting up there is killer as of late. One of my favorite recent pieces is a reappraisal of the Cure's "Mixed Up." As a sneak preview, here's an incredible excerpt:

As I departed the culturally vacuous world of a New Jersey high school for the somewhat more stimulating arena of college, Mixed Up provided my early sexual fumblings with an appropriate soundtrack—I was still sad, but I also wanted to get laid.

Does that last line sell it or what? The best part is, even though I'm a Cure completist, I bought "Mixed Up" because a female friend I had in college suggested this album to me because she thought it was the best make-out album ever made. Before you get too jealous or inquisitive, yes, she was engaged, so this was a suggestion as opposed to an invitation. Of course, this was at a time where I thought there was such a thing as "make-out music." As far as I know, there are few ways to talk yourself into sex and a billion ways to talk your way out of it. Since I care about music more than politics and religion combined, in my jaded-ass view, putting on "Brown Sugar" or whatever when you think the mood's right is equal to proferring your opinion about abortion. It's something you might want to save for later. I just wonder if UVA guys and gals are still willing to sacrifice their aesthetic principles and deal with their heavy petting being soundtracked by "Crash." If you wanted any action, that's an album you tolerated. End of story.

Not to be flip about drug use, but when El Presidente looks like this, you have to figure you'll be able to blow a few lines without la policia getting all up in your business. Something tells me Los Angeles and Guadalajara are going to completely trade their populations.

"I Hate Myself And Want To Die": The Notre Dame Version.

I'm A Realist beats me to the point I make later.

Passion of the Weiss goes to Coachella and finds out a: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah suck live, b: Franz Ferdinand is not festival rock and c: My Morning Jacket is the realest fucking deal in all of live music. Shockers, all!

Sunday Morning QB keeps it thoro, prematurely predicting the 2006 season and lining up the most likely draft busts. Well worth a read.

Anyways, here's my take on the UVA side of the draft...

- D'Brickashaw Ferguson (#4, NY Jets)

Let's face it: with Leinart still on the board, I assumed that Brick would shatter Jeff Lageman's record for "worst crowd response to the Jets drafting a UVA player in the Top Fifteen." Word is that his reception was pretty good (he does happen to be an NY native), but I can't imagine that this is a dream scenario, seeing as how he's got no one really worth blocking for. It's hard to believe that the Jets were considered a Super Bowl sleeper last year; who exactly constitutes a "weapon" on the offensive side?

This probably won't change any time soon, since they've got a Belichick disciple all up in their coach-piece. While I'm sure they'll do all sorts of things like building their squad from the line out and turning acquisitions from the scrap heap into serviceable players, the Jets will ultimately turn out like any of the other Pats clones that are making the No Fun League almost unwatchable.

- Brad Butler (#143, Buffalo Bills)

You might remember Brad Butler as the guy who gave Kiwi that late chop block during this year's BC game. I remember him as the guy who was getting in Kiwi's head the whole game because he was badly outplaying him. The whole scuffle would never have happened if Kiwi wasn't already in the process of losing his cool. This was a pretty safe pick for the Bills, since Butler was a three-year starter with the Hoos and plays aggressively on the run. Nonetheless, I see him being a serviceable backup for a few years and then leaping into politics, since him and Larry Sabato are boys.

- Marques Hagans (#144, St. Louis Rams)

I'd feel a lot better about this pick if Mike Martz was still around, since the new coach of the Rams doesn't appear to be the kind of guy who's going to run the kind of gadget plays that would increase the value of Hagans. Still, with Isaac Bruce getting up there in age, I imagine that Biscuit's going get himself some looks at the always-valuable slot-WR position in St. Louis. And let's not forget: he's not some new jack at the position like Reggie McNeal or Brad Smith. He played as a WR/KR when Schaub was at the controls, and he was a damn good one. In the 2003 Tech game, he pretty much schooled D'Angelo Hall. It's uncertain what kind of role he'll take on with the new Rams, but don't be surprised if he tears shit up in the preseason. Don't ask me why.

- Wali Lundy (#170, Houston Texans)

Great pick, but bad situation. I was seriously hoping the Eagles would pick up Lundy at this point, seeing as how he fits a real need. He's got an incredible nose for the end zone and I don't plan on enjoying another year of Correll Buckhalter fucking up his ACL and McNasty trying to throw slant patterns at the 2-yard line. Moreover, he's got the local ties and a nice backstory, so he'd probably be a better liaison for UVA than Billy McMullen.

Problem is, Domanick Davis ain't goin' nowhere and Lundy's almost the exact body double of Vernand Morency, who they drafted last year. He'll certainly cop a roster spot and perhaps even become the backup, but there are scads of teams that could probably use him better. By the way, The Sabre's message board told me that Woody Paige went apeshit on the Texans for picking Lundy, who had something like 600 yards last year, and not Bush. Because we all know that their sixth-round draft pick was higher than Reggie on the draft board. The fact that Lundy wasn't 100% since game one is besides the point. The truth is, if you're mad about the most electrifying player in college football not being the #1 pick, your beef isn't with the Texans. It's with the nature of the beast of the NFL.

We might as well frame this using Bill Simmons' typical head-up-his-ass take on the situation. He compares this pick to Bowie-over-Jordan and while he rightfully notes that the draft process has become maddeningly counterintuitive, he compares teams passing on Luke Walton to teams passing on Matt Leinart. This shows a running flaw in his "Sports Guy" facade: college football is a completely different sport than pro football and he continually fails to realize it. College basketball isn't exactly the same as the pro game, but it's similar enough where you can tell pretty easily who the impact players are going to be. You see guys like Dwyane Wade and Carmelo Anthony tearing shit up on the collegiate level and you can rest assured that they're probably going to be pretty good pros. The draft isn't without its busts, but that's usually the result of horrible GM'ing or a weak draft class. Compare a typical NBA top-five with one in the NFL. If we were to take Bill's "you should do nothing but watch game tape" idea, Danny Wuerffel, Charlie Ward, Eric Crouch and Ron Dayne would be #1 picks.

The thing is, football is the most "team" sport of all the major ones, and in the same way they quash individual showmanship and innovation, they quash transcendant talent. In hockey, a hot goalie can turn an 8-seed into Stanley Cup winners. In NBA, there's LeBron and Kobe, which speaks for itself. The White Sox won the World Series last year because they had four guys on the mound pitching out of their minds. Think about all the guys in football that were "transcendant." Randy Moss is just another petulant prima donna if a QB can't get him the ball, and even on good days, he'll get 10-12 touches, tops. Michael Vick's being squeezed into an offense that works against all of his talents. John Elway didn't win it all until the Broncos decided they were gonna stop fuckin' with the likes of Sammy Winder at running back. Even if Reggie Bush becomes the next Barry Sanders (I'd say that's a good ceiling), let me ask you this: how many Super Bowls did Barry Sanders play in?

On the other hand, a transcendat talent can carry a good team to great heights at the college level. Vince Young's performance at the Rose Bowl was about as close to a single-handed victory in football as you'll ever see. Michigan heads argue that only Charles Woodson can be responsible for Lloyd Carr winning a national championship. Don't even ask Gator fans about Tommie Frazier. But in the NFL, since you gotta roll with the winners, every team is trying to mirror the Patriots in assembling squads that resemble faceless corporations more than anything else. Finding a winner on the road to the Super Bowl is like picking a fast food restaurant on the interstate. It's a matter of time and place more than anything. For hours, you might be thinking to yourself that only Arby's or Wendy's will do, but if you find yourself at McDonald's because you didn't feel like waiting any longer, it's not that much of a surprise and you're not really disappointed. For college football, it's like picking a restaurant to go to before a date function. Only four or five make sense, minor flaws can lead to elimination and if the wrong one gets chosen, you'll bitch about it for years.

So while picking Mario Williams might not be the right pick, it's not a bad pick. There's a difference. A bad pick would be if they cut ties with David Carr and picked Jay Cutler over Young or Leinart. D'Brickashaw Ferguson would also be an example of a "wrong" pick that's not a bad one. Both lines are a need position for the Texans, but defense wins championships and always will until the Colts or Cards prove us wrong. And let me reiterate: the Texans were the worst team in the NFL. Remember that whole Ryan Fitzpatrick fiasco that supplied an entire week of Dan Shanoff's wet dreams? It takes a special kind of defense to let a 7th-round backup QB from Harvard throw for something like 350 yards in one half and come back from a 20-point deficit. Care to remember which team that happened against? And since all great defenses start with a great pass rush, you kinda have to see the Texans' logic here. Then again, the whole "we're not gonna outscore the Colts" stuff is the wrong explanation for the right frame of mind. You're trying to build a great defense, we get that. But look at the rest of the division: no one's accusing the Jaguars and Titans of being offensive juggernauts, and who's to say that the Colts aren't gonna get figured out or slip horribly without Edge?

Of course, Mario's being set up to fail, and anything less than a Hall Of Fame career won't be enough for Texans New Jacks who probably don't realize that their team stole their name from the Cowboys. I'm not sure how he pans out, but I love all these jackbags chiming in on the "he never really impressed me that much" tip. It might be true coming out of the mouth of Ron Jaworski or something, but I can't imagine that there's too many people out there watching NC State football on a regular basis, or at least enough to comment on Mario Williams' body of work without parroting Mel Kiper. Unless they're playing Florida State, NCSU plays a horrifying dull brand of football and didn't go to a bowl game. Unless we're talking about Ty-era Notre Dame, teams like that don't get on TV that much. You ain't gotta lie to kick it.

Kurt Smith (#188, San Diego Chargers)

- When Patrick Estes got drafted a little while back by the 49ers, it took me aback somewhat. It's one thing to have your starting tight end drafted. But once your backup TE's get drafted, you have to start wondering why eight wins is always a pipe dream for your squad. So what about having your backup kicker get drafted, especially when your starter was an All-American?

It's not so simple; Smith was a kickoff specialist who was, in essence, our most effective defensive player. While Nate Kaeding's an accurate kicker, he only had five touchbacks last year and Smith has a cannon for a leg. So he'll likely stick and get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars just to kick the shit out of the ball four or five times a week. Can't knock the hustle.

Free Agents

- Well, Kai Parham ended up getting nabbed by the Cowboys and I think he'll make the cut. Obviously, it seems like an idiot move for him to leave school early. Yes, he did have his degree already, but I'm sure he had to be aware that he needed a year to prepare himself properly for scouting combines. The way he ran, you'd think he was in Michigan's S&C program. I was hoping he'd learn from the Darryl Blackstock situation of last year, but I never foresaw this coming.

Conor Hughes got called approximately two minutes after the draft ended by the Saints, and that's a great situation for him. First off, it's an indoor job and secondly, there's no way he doesn't beat out John Carney, who's about 45 years old and isn't Morten or Gary Anderson last time I checked.

As for the other guys, Brennan Schmidt went to the Jets, where I'm sure he'll be praised for his motor. All things told, there's two ways of looking at this draft; either you can be mad at Al Groh for not turning talent into wins or look at it as a sign to recruits that he can get you in the NFL. From the looks of the 2007 class thus far, I'd say it's the latter, but I'm not holding my breath for a date in Jacksonville any time soon.

and with the third pick, i made the earth sick (part I)

2006-05-01T22:58:00.000-04:00

I'll get to the Eagles and UVA selections later, but let's just get a little draft roundup (part I) before the jokes get stale...

- I didn't particularly like the Anthony Fasano pick by the Cowboys, especially in light of fantasy considerations. Which are my only considerations when you consider that "No Fun League" is the most accurate possible nickname for this particular organization. How else do you explain people wondering if sooper-genious Norm Chow can get uber-freak Vince Young to square-peg it in circle junction next year instead of creating awesome, and more importantly, watchable paradigms in the NFL. Seriously, I don't think Mario Williams is a particularly awful pick, but we're on the verge of Knicks/Heat in the mid-90's.

Anyways, about Fasano, there's only, like, five or six tight ends worth taking and Jason Witten's one of them. Now they've got a 2nd-round pick coming in at the same position. This is going to fuck up someone's day. Likely mine.

- Other than Marcus Vick not getting a sniff of interest from the NFL, nothing brings me greater pleasure than "you have to consider Jason Campbell as being part of this class." Word...how's that workin' out?

- Speaking of which, eventually, Arthur Blank's gonna be awarded an honorary degree at Virginia Tech, since the Atlanta Falcons and Home Depot are apparently the only people Hokies are qualified to work for. And by the way, I think an honorary VT degree gets you a free Biggie Fries at the local Wendy's. Anyhoo, did you know D.J. Shockley is going to be competing with Bryan Fuckin' Randall for the #3 spot? True story!

And speaking of true stories, I've always said that I don't have opinions, I state facts. Well, that's particularly true in terms of Blacksburg. So many times, people have told me, "I was driving through there, and you weren't kidding." Well, on my way up to Foxfield, Yahoo! gave us the scenic route of going up I-81, and sometime around 1:30, the missus and I decided we couldn't hold out any longer for an Arby's to pop up. So, we saw the exit for Blacksburg, and I figure we might as well stop there since I know people in that area like to eat. Lo and behold, the first two eating establishments you see off the exit are Shoney's and Denny's. We finally get to the Wendy's and having seen the "Now Hiring" sign on the outdoor placard, I got to use the "I guess they do have a Career Services" joke. So, we go in and try to ignore the troglodytes going about their business, and all of a sudden, Megan feels hesitant to tell me that one of the mouth-breathers working there is currently using his break to suck his thumb. As opposed to the other woman on break who decides the best way to inspire consumer confidence is to smoke inside your own eating establishment. Dear lord.

- I feel for Eric Shelton; not only is he coming off a year-long knee injury, but as evidenced by the selection of DeAngelo Williams, he's also dead. The going line on DeShaun Foster is that he can't stay healthy, but that always seems to be football-speak for "we think he's got shit luck." Really, I'm not sure how many Flintstones chewables make a difference when you're in the grasp of a tackle that's about to snap your ACL. Although I think Williams is better than Chris Perry, this has all the feel of that pick, where a team that needs a little something to get them over the hump hedges their bets instead of filling a need. Such as say, wide receiver. I checked that schedule, boys- you ain't playing the Bears sixteen times. All things told, this is yet another RB black hole where I'll probably end up with one of them as my starter.

- There can't be a worse team to be a fan of than the Buffalo Bills. And I'm not just talking about the four Supe losses in a row, which never sounds as bad as it actually is. All offseason, there was talk about how Marv Levy might as well take over as head coach, which isn't a particularly bad idea when you've got Dick Jauron as your main guy. But hey, at least he was GM...until he morphed into Junior Soprano on Saturday. I realize that they made a pretty good argument as to why they needed to draft eighteen safeties, but is there a more faceless team in the NFL than the Bills? I didn't even recognize Whitner and McCargo, probably because once I get to the later parts of the first-round mock draft, my eyes kinda glaze over. Mostly, I'm just pissed about them passing on Leinart. Well, I'm a little torn...particularly if they keep Losman up in there, thus continuing the train wreck that is "J.P. Losman: Starting NFL QB"...which is the only way the Bills become entertaining. But then again, who wouldn't want to see a guy who was called too "Hollywood" subjected to a life in Buffalo? Okay, Philly's been called the city with the worst groupies (at least in terms of the NBA), but does anyone think that Jeremy Bloom is gonna suffer all that much? Matt Leinart wasn't meant to play in any game where the temperature's less than 75. T'anks fer nothin', Buffalo!

- Speaking of teams that passed on Leinart, you gotta love the Lions. Only in Matt Millen's mind can a Kitna/McCown/Orlovsky depth chart not render QB a "need position." Yes, it would probably look like poor form for him to not only draft an offensive player, but one who plays the same position as their #1 from 2002. But come on- even Akili Smith and David Klingler didn't shellshock the Bengals out of taking Carson Palmer. The best guess here is that Leinart maybe was a little too "Hollywood" for Millen, who really wishes that Homer Simpson hadn't beaten him to the "has the whole world gone gay?!?!" quote.

- And speaking of QB's, let's get to our boy-boy Jay Cutler. I usually don't bother reading Skip Bayless, but since procrastination is the order of the day during finals season, I'll take what I can get. You see, it's easy to write a Skip Bayless article, just so long as you go against what you perceive as conventional wisdom and assume it's truth without backing any of it up. Exactly how does he figure Manny Lawson will be a better player than Mario Williams? The best part of this article is how he says Mike Shanahan won a Super Bowl on April 29, 2006, a curious statement about a guy who's won something like one playoff game post-Elway. The reason they've won a Super Bowl already is that they drafted Jay Cutler. I'm not saying that he'll be a bad pro or anything; it's just that the logic is flawed. He says that the Broncos were denied a shot at the Seahawks this year because Jake Plummer, a QB whose stellar play got them homefield advantage during the playoffs, turned the ball over too much against the Steelers. It's understood that Plummer takes plenty of risks and he'll probably never change his stripes. So how is it that by taking the draft's most notorious gunslinger, someone whose college career was spent playing from behind at nearly all points, everything's different now? Cutler may not start this year, but I guarantee you that when Brett Favre retires, Jay's gonna helm the mantle for a few years when it comes to throwing baffling INT's into double coverage while announcers chalk it up to boys being boys or whatever.

The better move was getting Javon Walker, a process which shows how fucking counterintuitive the NFL has become. Let me get this straight: there's only one team out there who doesn't think Javon Walker constitutes anything more than the 37th-best player in the 2006 NFL Draft? No one else wanted their 2nd-round draft pick to magically turn into a Pro Bowl WR with only three years of meaningful playing time? I understand that he's coming off an injury and acquiring WR's via trade or free agency can be risky. History is littered with Andre Risons who never become the man in their new digs. It was pretty inevitable that the saddest acquisition of the offseason would happen to the Bills, as they took Worthless Price back in when Eric Moulds became a guaranteed fantasy bust by going to the Texans.

Well, what about drafting WR's? Yeah, that always works out. When compared to a current Pro Bowler who may not even be in his prime yet, doesn't picking any receiver constitute a "limited ceiling, unlimited basement" situation? Fucking No Fun League.

the theme song to "the sopranos" plays on the key of life on my mental piano

2006-05-01T00:03:00.000-04:00

Well, back from Foxfield and since my organs are floating in a sea of coffee, canned espresso and Diet Pepsi (but not alcohol, since my recovery skills are near-legendary. I didn't win Most Talented for the law school class of 2006 for nothing), there's probably no way I get to sleep any time soon. I want to talk Draft, but I also want to think I'm getting to sleep some time before 3 AM, so I'll keep it short. Honestly, I thought Reggie Bush going to a team that needed him even less than Texans would be the most implausible event of the weekend. Even moreso than a dinner at Red Lobster becoming an emotional powder keg for my group of friends (don't ask) and me spending a good deal of Saturday night taking shots of Old Granddad and throwing ice against the wall for kicks. But then, I'm presented with the Great Implausability Debate of 2006. So, dear Sexy Results! reader, what is more implausible?

A: Julia Margulies being unable to keep her hands off of James Galdofini

or

B: Vito having no trouble finding gay sex in a small New Hampshire town?

Look, the first one's a stretch, even considering the fact that Tony Soprano is a mob capo. And let's not forget that A.J. is receiving contact buzz sex off his name alone. And really, A.J. Soprano- Club Maven/Attempted Murderer is a whole 'nother bag of donuts. But Vito? Shit, I have no idea about the gay courting process, but I've seen gay episodes of "Next," and that crowd seems pretty goddamn fickle to me in terms of physical attractiveness. It didn't seem like a whole lot of them went on personality, considering that the "dates" lasted either one second or two hours.